Like I don't know Billy Ocean from the ocean floor. I don't own any albums, I don't know anything.
i'm forever being totally ridiculous. it's absurd to sit back and just watch yourself doing it.
things are so back to normal and it only took a couple of days at work to ground me and bring me back to reality. who knew vacations could be so destructive? i won't say i'm ungrateful for it, but i'm equally grateful to be back to life, as boring as it is. i'd forgotten what it felt like to just relax and breathe and feel what normal feels like. this is the first relief i've felt in days. saturday was HORRIBLE. sunday was bad, monday felt sad... today feels... i don't know. today feels more like i'm living.
i've realized, mostly thanks to a few sentences that zac/remy said last night ("maybe for kids like us who spent a huge chunk of our youth finding our way through life through the rubric of punk rock and defiance and self-reliance and relying on strong, but fluid friendships... maybe we're not wired for the kind of relationships that make strong long-term marriages and stuff.") that i think what's really happening inside my head is that i'm so used to experiencing things as a group of people... a unit of friends, togetherness in everything. given, steven and i have been our own little unit for some time now - seperated from best friends and family. i think maybe, though, that because no one else in our lives are going through 9-5 and engagement and marriage and a set path, i'm terrified to go at it alone. i want to still feel like a pack - all of us going through things together. i want everyone to live within streets of each other - still private but close enough to run over to in the middle of the night. i know i can't expect that... but i don't want to be the first to jump into this. i guess it's still what zac said - it's our youth that structures the way that we see the rest of our lives.
i have realized, though, how glad i am that i chronicled the past few years of my life, which has caused me to want to keep doing it here. it helps out a lot to read back over what's already happened. i'm going to keep doing it.
when it really comes down to it, though, the past few weeks deserve a big whoooo caresssss. who cares? i'm dramatic. some parts of the past few weeks have been amazing. other parts have felt like my heart was breaking, but life isn't over. no doubt about that.
things are so back to normal and it only took a couple of days at work to ground me and bring me back to reality. who knew vacations could be so destructive? i won't say i'm ungrateful for it, but i'm equally grateful to be back to life, as boring as it is. i'd forgotten what it felt like to just relax and breathe and feel what normal feels like. this is the first relief i've felt in days. saturday was HORRIBLE. sunday was bad, monday felt sad... today feels... i don't know. today feels more like i'm living.
i've realized, mostly thanks to a few sentences that zac/remy said last night ("maybe for kids like us who spent a huge chunk of our youth finding our way through life through the rubric of punk rock and defiance and self-reliance and relying on strong, but fluid friendships... maybe we're not wired for the kind of relationships that make strong long-term marriages and stuff.") that i think what's really happening inside my head is that i'm so used to experiencing things as a group of people... a unit of friends, togetherness in everything. given, steven and i have been our own little unit for some time now - seperated from best friends and family. i think maybe, though, that because no one else in our lives are going through 9-5 and engagement and marriage and a set path, i'm terrified to go at it alone. i want to still feel like a pack - all of us going through things together. i want everyone to live within streets of each other - still private but close enough to run over to in the middle of the night. i know i can't expect that... but i don't want to be the first to jump into this. i guess it's still what zac said - it's our youth that structures the way that we see the rest of our lives.
i have realized, though, how glad i am that i chronicled the past few years of my life, which has caused me to want to keep doing it here. it helps out a lot to read back over what's already happened. i'm going to keep doing it.
when it really comes down to it, though, the past few weeks deserve a big whoooo caresssss. who cares? i'm dramatic. some parts of the past few weeks have been amazing. other parts have felt like my heart was breaking, but life isn't over. no doubt about that.