(no subject)
Aries (Mar 12 - Apr 19)
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You might feel inclined to spend time at home, but you cannot
easily escape the pressure of other people's expectations.
i'll say. all i really want to do is lay around and read and drink peppermint water and look through magazines after i get home from work.
i started volunteering for the house of mews today. i woke up at 6:30 and got there by 7 and spent 5 hours there learning the ropes. the owner reminds me in some ways of stevens mom and in other ways a little more socially rude. her heart's in the right place, though - she just seems easily annoyed by people and is quick to be loud and abrasive. that seems odd for someone who's running such a successful rescue organization, but i won't argue. there are 170 kitties in this place and the set-up is amazing for what they're doing. starting next week, i'm already training as a manager... this is big training for my future. i would love to start up a much lower-scale version of this place some day in whatever city we settle in. i would like to be able to house other animals as well, but no other animal has taught me patience like cats have... and i need patience more than anything. i'll be medicating and documenting within the next couple of weeks and should hopefully be getting more hands-on with adoptions next week as well. next saturday will bring an 8-hour work day - both cleaning and medicating and adoptions as well. i'm sure no one else is excited by this but me. it feels good to give back to something that i'm really passionate about and animal rescue/adoption is where my heart is. i can't wait to see what all goes into making this work. some day, i'd like to have enough space to hold 50 cats - not 170... but all of this is done on donations - litter, high-quality food, towels, blankets, toys, hand sanitizer, bleach, disinfectants, laundry detergents...
i'm amazed... i don't know. in the midst of feeling so shitty about myself for the past week or so - not being able to force myself to get into a good mood, feeling horrible that i'm not able to socialize better with people and then trying to come to the conclusion that having a million friends isn't right for everyone (i like having my handful and that's all - all different, all important). i just feel so socially retarded that i'm not sure what to do sometimes. syracuse didn't feel so hard - i felt comfortable. here, i'm awkward, i'm shy, i'm resistant. i want my alone time. i want friends again who just come by and hang out. it sounds so stupid, but i don't feel cool anymore ... as if i know what that means. i feel like i'm some normal homebody now-a-days and the part i'm most uncomfortable with is the fact that i'm totally comfortable with that, but i feel the pressure from other people not to be that way. i like going to work, coming home to my animals, making the rounds on cleaning up for them and feeding/watering and playing. i like cooking dinner and flipping through magazines and listening to records and sometimes catching up on phone calls. i like seeing steven for an hour before it's bedtime and then getting to see him at lunchtime and for a day and a half on weekends. is that too much? too little of a life?
because i'm satisfied. should i want more?
i don't feel like being myself is enough here.
i can feel it with steven, my family, my few friends who are extended family.
otherwise i feel like it's not enough to be me.
-------------------------------------
You might feel inclined to spend time at home, but you cannot
easily escape the pressure of other people's expectations.
i'll say. all i really want to do is lay around and read and drink peppermint water and look through magazines after i get home from work.
i started volunteering for the house of mews today. i woke up at 6:30 and got there by 7 and spent 5 hours there learning the ropes. the owner reminds me in some ways of stevens mom and in other ways a little more socially rude. her heart's in the right place, though - she just seems easily annoyed by people and is quick to be loud and abrasive. that seems odd for someone who's running such a successful rescue organization, but i won't argue. there are 170 kitties in this place and the set-up is amazing for what they're doing. starting next week, i'm already training as a manager... this is big training for my future. i would love to start up a much lower-scale version of this place some day in whatever city we settle in. i would like to be able to house other animals as well, but no other animal has taught me patience like cats have... and i need patience more than anything. i'll be medicating and documenting within the next couple of weeks and should hopefully be getting more hands-on with adoptions next week as well. next saturday will bring an 8-hour work day - both cleaning and medicating and adoptions as well. i'm sure no one else is excited by this but me. it feels good to give back to something that i'm really passionate about and animal rescue/adoption is where my heart is. i can't wait to see what all goes into making this work. some day, i'd like to have enough space to hold 50 cats - not 170... but all of this is done on donations - litter, high-quality food, towels, blankets, toys, hand sanitizer, bleach, disinfectants, laundry detergents...
i'm amazed... i don't know. in the midst of feeling so shitty about myself for the past week or so - not being able to force myself to get into a good mood, feeling horrible that i'm not able to socialize better with people and then trying to come to the conclusion that having a million friends isn't right for everyone (i like having my handful and that's all - all different, all important). i just feel so socially retarded that i'm not sure what to do sometimes. syracuse didn't feel so hard - i felt comfortable. here, i'm awkward, i'm shy, i'm resistant. i want my alone time. i want friends again who just come by and hang out. it sounds so stupid, but i don't feel cool anymore ... as if i know what that means. i feel like i'm some normal homebody now-a-days and the part i'm most uncomfortable with is the fact that i'm totally comfortable with that, but i feel the pressure from other people not to be that way. i like going to work, coming home to my animals, making the rounds on cleaning up for them and feeding/watering and playing. i like cooking dinner and flipping through magazines and listening to records and sometimes catching up on phone calls. i like seeing steven for an hour before it's bedtime and then getting to see him at lunchtime and for a day and a half on weekends. is that too much? too little of a life?
because i'm satisfied. should i want more?
i don't feel like being myself is enough here.
i can feel it with steven, my family, my few friends who are extended family.
otherwise i feel like it's not enough to be me.