this might just be the beginning of the end

[operationtbs]

i got into a really bad fight with my mom. i feel so fucking miserble. i hate feeling depressed, well i doubt anyone likes be depressed. she's so fucking stubborn and she doesn't listen even though she says she does. i don't know if i can live feeling like this anymore. she's incredibly inconsiderate and very hypocritical. i can't trust her. i can't trust anyone really. i feel so pathetic for sitting here typing this up. we fight over the same things and we never get anywhere. she keeps telling me if i don't like living with her i can leave and go live with my dad or move away. how fucking low can she go? she knows i hate my dad. i'd move in with a relative if i had any that cared for me, the ones that live around here are low life scums, well that are related to her...so what do you really expect? you would think she gets the idea that im miserble and depressed but no...she thinks i just have a bad attitude. she thinks im after her money. she thinks im jealous of my siblings. im seriously on a losing streak. if this feeling sticks around, i just might being saying goodbye. theres so much more to life, i know there is. i just cant stand life right now. its like living in a glass jar and the outside has all these candies and all these pretty things but inside the jar its just full of shit and shit and shit. the pathetic thing is, if i were to kill myself...everyone would be kissing my ass. "oh yeah, lanna she was always so blah" you know...that kind of shit. people are obligated to say that. for my funeral i want to be dressed in either pastel colors or else black and hot pink. i want to look hot when they bury me. it'd be comical if they had me standing when it was that visitation time. ah, i don't know. i havent thought about suicide in a long time and now its coming back. maybe what we call life is just a dream that needs to be awaken by "suicide" or "death" the fuck, what do i really have to lose? i dont believe in heaven nor hell. i just dont know anymore. sometimes i just want to run into my parents room and shoot myself with the handgun or overdose with mine and my mothers meds. maybe to play it safe i could just have some rat poison with cappacino? if youre reading this i bet youre thinking "well geez, i didnt know she was this desperate for attention" listen cunt, i would never fucking post anything like this for attention. i could just show people my tits if i craved attention that much. i feel so guilty though. i feel guilty for telling my mom that its not right for her to talk down to us or to treat me unfairly. i feel bad for crying infront of her. i feel bad for everything. i cant help but cry and be pathetic. all these years i just wanted someone to be there for me...someone to fucking tell my problems or be there for my concerts or at least something. im talking to this kid that wants to fucking use me for a sexual relationship and he keeps telling me that im feeling sorry for myself. i dont give a damn anymore. its the fact that i cared so much for people and i would let them walk over at times. look where thats gotten me. i feel like falling into bed and sleeping forever. forget about life, school, family, and friends. forget about anything. i just want to sleep and talk to myself. i want to reflect back to my early childhood years where i was happy or maybe i can imagine myself as someone happy and useful. god damn it. theres no use for me in changing the subject. im so fucking unhappy. i dont know what to do except kill myself or drugs. drugs, hah i used to think drugs were so bad and maybe they are. id rather snort some shit than slice my wrist only because im a pussy though. my god, this is my life. staring into the monitor. i hardly bother with friends anymore when im in my "stages" Screw im friends with you because youll make go higher on my social status! fuck that bitches, ill rip your fucking nipples apart if i ever find out those shitfucks are using me for popularity. i could go for some vodka right now. dear god i hate the taste of alcohal but i love the effects. i havent talked to my therapist for about 2-3 weeks now. fuck, im getting somewhat fidgetty about that. i just keep repeating myself in this post. its comical how people think im depressed about typical teen problems...oh you know where girl cant get date, girl gets bad grades, girl hates parents, girl is selfish...blah......they'd be surprised that im actually more depressed about my past than anything. no matter how hard i try to get over my pass i just cant. i can remember my dad taking me to the ladys house when i was about 3, the lady whom he had cheated on my mom with. i remember getting fucking molested. i remember all the fucking times where i got my ass beat up by my dad - although some of the times i deserved it though, i remember my mom catching my dad and my half sister talk about their affair, i remember all of that crap...and cant let go. it just digs a bigger hole in me and it gets deeper everyday. yes, my life is better than some kids around the world. i have a home to live in. i have food. i have clothing. i receive a decent education. it really doesnt matter what you have, when youre depressed...youre depressed. i really need to get out of minnesota. i cant fucking breathe here. i need to go back to texas. the atmosphere is completely different. I DONT MOTHERFUCKING KNOW. GOODBYE.

I'm listening to Linkin Park's Numb, how pathetic.