These Eyes So Green - Chapter 11
Rated NC-17 for adult themes and strong sexual content. The character of Hans Landa is the sole property of Quentin Tarantino. All other characters are of my own creation.
NOTE: Chapter 12 is also posted for your reading pleasure.
Desiree was loading her truck with the supplies for Hans’ soirée when she spotted someone on a bicycle peddling madly up the dirt road to her cottage. As the figure got closer, she saw who it was-Rene’s assistant, Nicholas. He came to a halt just short of her truck.
“Madame,” he said, breathless, “I have a message for you, from M. Charlont.”
“Rene? Why didn’t he telephone?”
“He didn’t want to use the telephone, Madame. He said you’d understand when you read the message.” He handed her an envelope.
Desiree very quickly tore open the envelope and unfolded the sheet within it.
Desiree,
Several people in the surrounding towns were arrested this morning. All were found to be harboring weapons. Be careful in using your telephone.
- Rene
Desiree went pale. Her hand shook as she dug into her pocket to retrieve a couple of francs for the young man.
“Madame, no. That’s not necessary.”
“Take it,” she said firmly, shoving the bills into his hand. Before Nicholas could say another word, Desiree climbed into her truck and sped off.
Her heart pounded as she drove to Hans’ townhouse. For a moment she thought of driving on, of letting the truck take her out of town and as far as she could go. But she knew that running away without any plan wouldn’t work. It would raise suspicions instead.
Guy must have talked. But if that were the case, why hadn’t she been arrested? Would she be arrested the moment she showed up at Hans’ townhouse?
Desiree pulled over to the side of the road and sat back, trying to catch her breath. She had to think.
The only explanation for the arrests was that Guy had talked. But that didn’t explain why she hadn’t been arrested, and that didn’t necessarily mean that Hans had anything to do with it.
Desiree leaned forward, her arms on the steering wheel. Hans had to be involved. Why else would he be in a relatively small town like Angoulême? He might not arrest her that very night, but it was bound to happen. His methods were just different with her. She was surely as much his prey as Guy had been, but perhaps she was the prey he preferred to toy with.
Desiree started her truck once more. She would face Hans head on, if it came to that. Perhaps it would happen when she arrived at the townhouse, or perhaps it would happen after the soirée. Whatever the case, she was ready to confront him.
Hermann was waiting for her when she arrived at the townhouse, and he helped her carry in the supplies. Landa’s cook/housekeeper had everything ready to help her prepare the hors d’oeuvres. Severine was a kindly older woman with a well worn but good-humored face, and grey eyes that had obviously seen a great deal of life.
“Is there anything else you need, ladies? If not, I’ll return to my boarding house to change,” said Hermann.
“I believe we have everything,” Desiree said. “Where are the wines and the Champagne?”
“The whites and the Champagne are chilling,” Severine answered, opening the icebox to show her. “I’ve set up a few reds to be opened and aired in advance.”
“And where is the Colonel?”
“He’s upstairs dressing, Madame,” Hermann told her. “I’ll be off then, if you don’t need me for anything more.”
“Yes, be off with you! Let us get to work,” Severine told him, shooing him away with great flourish and a broad grin that he returned in equal measure. It was obvious the two had known each other for a while and were fond of each other.
Desiree found she liked Severine a great deal. The woman was a good 15 years older than she, but treated Desiree with respect, deferring to all her requests and directions. As the two worked side by side, she quickly learned that Severine was not only very good in the kitchen, she was also great company.
“How long have you worked for the Colonel?”
“Mon Dieu, it seems like forever, but in reality it’s only been a year.”
Desiree laughed. “What makes it seem like forever?”
“He’s a curious man,” Severine began, her tone more serious. “Sometimes he can be very thoughtful, but at other times-well, not so thoughtful.”
“In what way?”
“He’ll shout a bit-or perhaps ignore you completely if he’s displeased with something you’ve done. There are times when he is very morose, and times when he’s utterly charming. He’s a very mercurial man-it’s difficult to know what to expect from him.”
“Do you like working for him?”
Severine thought about that for a few minutes. “It’s curious,” she finally said, “but I never really thought about that until you asked. Work is work, after all, and if the pay is good, who cares? But now that I think of it, yes, I do like working for him. He is a Nazi, of course, and his bite is indeed as bad as his bark, but…”
“But?”
“But for some odd reason that I can’t quite fathom, I like him.”
“He seems very likeable.”
“Oh, yes. As I said, he can be quite charming, but that’s not why I like him.”
“Why, then?”
“Because as hard as he tries to hide it-and that’s very hard, indeed-inside he’s as soft and pliable as fresh caramel.” Severine smiled at the thought.
“You know a lot about him,” Desiree said.
“Not really. I just know a lot about people-or at least I think I do. I should hope so, at my age!”
Both women laughed, and went on chatting cheerfully as they continued working together.
* * * * * * *
The food had been prepared, the first trays filled, and they were finally ready for the soirée. Desiree had changed her blouse and put on a fresh apron, and Severine had changed her dress and her apron. The waiters were there, ready to serve the wine and carry the trays.
Desiree’s heart fluttered when Hans at last entered the kitchen, immaculately groomed and in his best dress uniform, with all his medals on display. She couldn’t help but smile, remembering the night they had met.
Hans smiled right back at Desiree as though nothing had happened, but his heart pounded just at the sight of her.
“It is wonderful to see you again,” he told her. “I have so looked forward to this evening, to see all that you’ve prepared for me and my guests.”
Desiree and Severine stepped aside to let him examine the carefully prepared trays. Hans stepped forward and bent down to examine the hors d’oeuvres more closely.
“Excellent. Everything looks superb. Severine, would you excuse us, please? I’d like a moment alone with Madame Mendelson.”
“Certainment, Monsieur Colonel.”
Once Severine had left the kitchen, Hans straightened up and moved closer to Desiree. He hesitated for a moment, then brought a hand up to her face. His fingers felt smooth and warm against her cheek. Desiree wanted so much to lean into that hand, but she resisted the urge to do so.
“You left so quickly the other day,” he said softly.
“I know, and I’m sorry for that.”
“I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted to hold you. We had just made love, after all…”
She looked him in the eye. “Had we?”
Hans was puzzled and there was another quick flash of pain in his eyes at her remark. Then he smirked and removed his hand from her cheek.
“Well, I had made love, at least,” he said, his voice bitter.
“We had sex,” she told him, and the words sounded too harsh even to her. “It was very good sex-“
“Very good sex,” he interrupted with a grin and a twinkle in his eye.
“But it was just sex.” Desiree winced inside at the words. And she had told herself she never wanted to hurt anyone again! She wished she could take the words back, but she froze inside.
The grin had nearly vanished; just a touch of it remained, and that touch was tinged with irony. Hans gazed at her intently for quite a while, and Desiree began to feel very uncomfortable under his relentless stare.
They heard the bell ring in the distance, and Severine’s voice as she opened the door to greet the first guest.
“We’ll discuss this later,” Hans told her. “My guests are arriving now.”
“Hans…”
“Later.”
He left, and she heard him warmly welcome the first arrivals. The doorbell continued to ring, and Desiree left the kitchen to help Severine, quickly taking on the task of gathering coats and caps.
There was a steady flow of guests for a good half hour. Desiree dashed into the kitchen to check on the status of the trays. A few empty ones had already returned, ready to be refilled. She dashed back to let Severine know that she’d have to stay in the kitchen. Another guest had just arrived, and she quickly took his coat and cap.
The doorbell rang again just as she was hanging up the coat, and Desiree heard a curiously familiar voice. She turned, ready to take the man’s coat and cap-and found herself face to face with the young Gestapo officer she’d met at the tavern.
His sharp blue eyes registered surprise for a fraction of a second, and then settled into their familiar, sardonic gaze. Desiree unsuccessfully fought the blush that bloomed in her cheeks. He didn’t say anything, simply removed his long, black leather coat and handed it to her with his cap. Then, with a slight smirk on his face, he strode into the main parlour.
“You know him?” Severine asked.
“Just in passing…I’ve got to get back to the kitchen to fill the trays. They’re coming back quickly, now.”
“Ah, that’s a good sign. They must be enjoying the food. You run along, then. There shouldn’t be many more guests.”
For the next half hour Desiree was quite busy preparing for and refilling the trays, which came back in rapid succession. It wasn’t long before Severine was able to join her, and after another busy half hour things finally began to slow down enough for them each to take a quick break.
There were stairs leading down to a small garden just off the kitchen, so Desiree decided to have a cigarette. She welcomed the cool breeze that greeted her when she opened the door. She went out onto the small, covered landing, settled back against the railing and lit a cigarette.
She had almost finished when she heard a rustle in the kitchen.
“Severine?”
“No.”
It was the young Major. Desiree stubbed out her cigarette and went back inside. There he stood, wine glass in hand, that sardonic grin on his face.
“We meet again,” he said. “Imagine my surprise.”
“Why should it be a surprise?”
“I don’t know-perhaps because I didn’t picture you as a chef.”
“Well, you were right in a way,” Desiree responded. “I’m not a chef per se, I’m a caterer.”
“Is that all you are?”
Desiree’s heart nearly stopped, but she didn’t hesitate to answer. “Yes.”
The Major’s eyes searched hers for quite a while, but she managed to convey a calm façade, although it felt like her heart was hammering in her chest. He was as striking as she remembered, with that pale skin and thin, red mouth, and the image of that beautiful face in the throes of passion once again filled her mind.
His eyes softened. “I’ll be honest. I was hoping you would come back. Otherwise I was going to try to find you.”
Desiree froze, and again the two stood in silence, staring each other down. Then Desiree saw the sadness creep back into those icy blue eyes, and the smile that came with it was equally sad-and familiar as well. Then she remembered. It was the same smile he wore when she was dressing to leave, and the last thing she saw before she closed the door behind her. How had she missed the sadness in that smile?
“I’m glad I saw you again tonight,” he finally said. “Otherwise I might have continued to entertain the notion that I could-somehow-become involved with you. Now I know it won’t happen. So I don’t have to think about you any more.”
Desiree reached out to him. “Major…”
“Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t pity me.”
Desiree pulled back her hand.
“There’s nothing to pity, after all,” he said. “I told you before-I’m used to it.”
He smiled again and was about to leave, when he stopped suddenly, clicked his heels and bowed to her.
“Madame,” he said, then rose up, turned and left the kitchen.
Desiree took several deep breaths. She tried hard not to think about it, but she couldn’t escape the fact that she had hurt this young man, and she had also hurt Hans, yet again. What was it in her that wanted to hurt them?
Was it because they were Nazis? But Uwe had been a Nazi, and she had loved him. Yet she’d also hated herself for loving him. So why had she felt so drawn to Hans and the young Major? And why did what she feel for Hans in particular seem so powerful and so frightening? Desiree thought hard.
The uniforms.
She had always loved uniforms because they reminded her of her long-dead father, and how handsome he had looked in his uniform in the last war. But that was too simple and obvious an answer to what she was sure brought forth a deeper, more primal feeling.
Desiree remembered the intensity of her first encounter with Uwe, the feel and smell of the rough wool of his tunic against her back when he took her. The strange comfort she’d felt when he’d held her close afterward. Then she remembered those times when he’d cuddled her in his office, how she’d buried her face in his shoulder, rubbing her cheeks against that same, rough wool. And she remembered those times when she had knelt before him, opened his trousers, and gazed up at him in all his uniformed splendor as she took him in her mouth, how she clung to those wool trousers when he came and she swallowed his seed.
It had been the same with Hans. She had been mesmerised by her first sight of him in his dress uniform. She couldn’t help smiling tonight when she saw him in it again. And that day in his office, she had buried her face in the rough wool of his uniformed shoulder, even bit down on it hard when she came.
And she had been almost thunderstruck by the Major’s beautiful, black uniform. She couldn’t remember anyone else in the bar-she heard voices when she tried to remember, and realized it had been crowded with people, but she could not remember a single face, not even the bartender, and she had spoken to him as well. She had been so spellbound by the young Major that she literally couldn’t see anyone else. And when he had pulled her into the alley to kiss her, she was thrilled and nearly lost herself in that kiss.
Suddenly it came to her. She had been mourning Uwe; mourning him and missing him terribly and not wanting to admit it. And it was almost as though she were taking him back inside her when she was with Hans and the young Major.
But that wasn’t the whole story, either. After all, she’d met plenty of soldiers since the war began and hadn’t thought of them as anything other than soldiers. She’d enjoyed seeing all the uniforms, but she hadn’t fallen in love with any of them. Uwe was the first one she had fallen in love with and her relationship with him had been very, very different from every other relationship she’d had with a man-or woman, for that matter.
There was the jumble of emotions she felt with him, everything from severe pain and abject terror to intense arousal and the thrill of the forbidden. She had felt much of the same with both Hans and the young Major.
The Major was simply a ship that passed in the night. However harsh that might sound, it was the truth. Now she regretted the pain she’d brought him.
But there was much, much more at work in her relationship with Hans. It was that odd sense of familiarity, of a shared outlook of the world, almost of a shared soul. And what all that added up to was the very real possibility-as terrifying as it was to think about-of actually falling in love again. Of loving another human being again. And, of course, of facing the possibility of suffering yet another loss. She wasn’t sure if she could survive another one. There had been far too many losses in her life.
But there was no turning back now. Desiree knew what she needed to do, and she would do it.
* * * * * * *
The guests were leaving, and Hans would soon go with them. Desiree didn’t want him to leave without having a chance to speak with him. She caught up with him and Hermann as they were putting on their coats.
“Hans…I need to speak with you.”
He hesitated for a moment, looking straight into her eyes. He saw a plea there, an entreaty; and he somehow felt he couldn’t turn away from it.
“Hermann, I’ll meet you outside the front door once you’ve brought the car round. Just honk the horn for me.”
“Jawohl, Standartenführer.”
Hans turned back to Desiree as soon as Hermann had left, his eyes full of concern.”
“What is it, Desiree?”
“It wasn’t true…what I said before. I didn’t mean it.”
He brought a hand up to her cheek again. “I know,” he told her.
“I wanted to hurt you.”
“I know you did. I wanted to hurt you, too, but I don’t want to any more.”
“I don’t either.”
He stroked her cheek lightly. As much as he wanted to kiss her, this wasn’t the right moment for either of them.
“Help Severine clean up,” he said. “Then-will you wait for me here? I want to talk with you some more.”
“Yes,” Desiree breathed. She lifted her mouth to his, awaited his kiss. She was so warm, so open to him and her scent was driving him mad. It took everything Hans had to keep from kissing her. He smiled at her and stroked her cheek once more, then turned away.
“Severine!” he called.
Severine came out of the kitchen, quickly drying her hands on her apron.
“Yes, Monsieur Colonel?”
“Desiree will help you with the washing up. Then she’s to remain here, to wait for my return. Please show her to the library when you’re done. Then you’re welcome to retire for the night whenever you wish.”
He paused for a moment, then smiled warmly at Severine.
“You’ve done a wonderful job for me today,” he told her. “Thank you.”
The car horn sounded outside.
“I must leave now,” he went on. “I’ll be back as quickly as I can. Again, thank you for all you’ve done today, Severine. I’ll be seeing you later, Desiree.” He disappeared out the front door, and they heard his footsteps as he hurried down the marble stairs.
Severine was astonished. “He’s never thanked me before,” she told Desiree. “He’ll tell me I’ve done a good job, or praise my cooking, but that’s the first time he’s ever actually thanked me.”
She turned to look at Desiree. “He’s fond of you, I think. Are you fond of him?”
Desiree hesitated for a moment. “Yes,” she finally said, “I am.”
She hadn’t wanted to admit this to herself, but as soon as she said the words to Severine she knew they were true-and somehow, a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
NOTE: Chapter 12 is also posted for your reading pleasure.
Desiree was loading her truck with the supplies for Hans’ soirée when she spotted someone on a bicycle peddling madly up the dirt road to her cottage. As the figure got closer, she saw who it was-Rene’s assistant, Nicholas. He came to a halt just short of her truck.
“Madame,” he said, breathless, “I have a message for you, from M. Charlont.”
“Rene? Why didn’t he telephone?”
“He didn’t want to use the telephone, Madame. He said you’d understand when you read the message.” He handed her an envelope.
Desiree very quickly tore open the envelope and unfolded the sheet within it.
Desiree,
Several people in the surrounding towns were arrested this morning. All were found to be harboring weapons. Be careful in using your telephone.
- Rene
Desiree went pale. Her hand shook as she dug into her pocket to retrieve a couple of francs for the young man.
“Madame, no. That’s not necessary.”
“Take it,” she said firmly, shoving the bills into his hand. Before Nicholas could say another word, Desiree climbed into her truck and sped off.
Her heart pounded as she drove to Hans’ townhouse. For a moment she thought of driving on, of letting the truck take her out of town and as far as she could go. But she knew that running away without any plan wouldn’t work. It would raise suspicions instead.
Guy must have talked. But if that were the case, why hadn’t she been arrested? Would she be arrested the moment she showed up at Hans’ townhouse?
Desiree pulled over to the side of the road and sat back, trying to catch her breath. She had to think.
The only explanation for the arrests was that Guy had talked. But that didn’t explain why she hadn’t been arrested, and that didn’t necessarily mean that Hans had anything to do with it.
Desiree leaned forward, her arms on the steering wheel. Hans had to be involved. Why else would he be in a relatively small town like Angoulême? He might not arrest her that very night, but it was bound to happen. His methods were just different with her. She was surely as much his prey as Guy had been, but perhaps she was the prey he preferred to toy with.
Desiree started her truck once more. She would face Hans head on, if it came to that. Perhaps it would happen when she arrived at the townhouse, or perhaps it would happen after the soirée. Whatever the case, she was ready to confront him.
Hermann was waiting for her when she arrived at the townhouse, and he helped her carry in the supplies. Landa’s cook/housekeeper had everything ready to help her prepare the hors d’oeuvres. Severine was a kindly older woman with a well worn but good-humored face, and grey eyes that had obviously seen a great deal of life.
“Is there anything else you need, ladies? If not, I’ll return to my boarding house to change,” said Hermann.
“I believe we have everything,” Desiree said. “Where are the wines and the Champagne?”
“The whites and the Champagne are chilling,” Severine answered, opening the icebox to show her. “I’ve set up a few reds to be opened and aired in advance.”
“And where is the Colonel?”
“He’s upstairs dressing, Madame,” Hermann told her. “I’ll be off then, if you don’t need me for anything more.”
“Yes, be off with you! Let us get to work,” Severine told him, shooing him away with great flourish and a broad grin that he returned in equal measure. It was obvious the two had known each other for a while and were fond of each other.
Desiree found she liked Severine a great deal. The woman was a good 15 years older than she, but treated Desiree with respect, deferring to all her requests and directions. As the two worked side by side, she quickly learned that Severine was not only very good in the kitchen, she was also great company.
“How long have you worked for the Colonel?”
“Mon Dieu, it seems like forever, but in reality it’s only been a year.”
Desiree laughed. “What makes it seem like forever?”
“He’s a curious man,” Severine began, her tone more serious. “Sometimes he can be very thoughtful, but at other times-well, not so thoughtful.”
“In what way?”
“He’ll shout a bit-or perhaps ignore you completely if he’s displeased with something you’ve done. There are times when he is very morose, and times when he’s utterly charming. He’s a very mercurial man-it’s difficult to know what to expect from him.”
“Do you like working for him?”
Severine thought about that for a few minutes. “It’s curious,” she finally said, “but I never really thought about that until you asked. Work is work, after all, and if the pay is good, who cares? But now that I think of it, yes, I do like working for him. He is a Nazi, of course, and his bite is indeed as bad as his bark, but…”
“But?”
“But for some odd reason that I can’t quite fathom, I like him.”
“He seems very likeable.”
“Oh, yes. As I said, he can be quite charming, but that’s not why I like him.”
“Why, then?”
“Because as hard as he tries to hide it-and that’s very hard, indeed-inside he’s as soft and pliable as fresh caramel.” Severine smiled at the thought.
“You know a lot about him,” Desiree said.
“Not really. I just know a lot about people-or at least I think I do. I should hope so, at my age!”
Both women laughed, and went on chatting cheerfully as they continued working together.
* * * * * * *
The food had been prepared, the first trays filled, and they were finally ready for the soirée. Desiree had changed her blouse and put on a fresh apron, and Severine had changed her dress and her apron. The waiters were there, ready to serve the wine and carry the trays.
Desiree’s heart fluttered when Hans at last entered the kitchen, immaculately groomed and in his best dress uniform, with all his medals on display. She couldn’t help but smile, remembering the night they had met.
Hans smiled right back at Desiree as though nothing had happened, but his heart pounded just at the sight of her.
“It is wonderful to see you again,” he told her. “I have so looked forward to this evening, to see all that you’ve prepared for me and my guests.”
Desiree and Severine stepped aside to let him examine the carefully prepared trays. Hans stepped forward and bent down to examine the hors d’oeuvres more closely.
“Excellent. Everything looks superb. Severine, would you excuse us, please? I’d like a moment alone with Madame Mendelson.”
“Certainment, Monsieur Colonel.”
Once Severine had left the kitchen, Hans straightened up and moved closer to Desiree. He hesitated for a moment, then brought a hand up to her face. His fingers felt smooth and warm against her cheek. Desiree wanted so much to lean into that hand, but she resisted the urge to do so.
“You left so quickly the other day,” he said softly.
“I know, and I’m sorry for that.”
“I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted to hold you. We had just made love, after all…”
She looked him in the eye. “Had we?”
Hans was puzzled and there was another quick flash of pain in his eyes at her remark. Then he smirked and removed his hand from her cheek.
“Well, I had made love, at least,” he said, his voice bitter.
“We had sex,” she told him, and the words sounded too harsh even to her. “It was very good sex-“
“Very good sex,” he interrupted with a grin and a twinkle in his eye.
“But it was just sex.” Desiree winced inside at the words. And she had told herself she never wanted to hurt anyone again! She wished she could take the words back, but she froze inside.
The grin had nearly vanished; just a touch of it remained, and that touch was tinged with irony. Hans gazed at her intently for quite a while, and Desiree began to feel very uncomfortable under his relentless stare.
They heard the bell ring in the distance, and Severine’s voice as she opened the door to greet the first guest.
“We’ll discuss this later,” Hans told her. “My guests are arriving now.”
“Hans…”
“Later.”
He left, and she heard him warmly welcome the first arrivals. The doorbell continued to ring, and Desiree left the kitchen to help Severine, quickly taking on the task of gathering coats and caps.
There was a steady flow of guests for a good half hour. Desiree dashed into the kitchen to check on the status of the trays. A few empty ones had already returned, ready to be refilled. She dashed back to let Severine know that she’d have to stay in the kitchen. Another guest had just arrived, and she quickly took his coat and cap.
The doorbell rang again just as she was hanging up the coat, and Desiree heard a curiously familiar voice. She turned, ready to take the man’s coat and cap-and found herself face to face with the young Gestapo officer she’d met at the tavern.
His sharp blue eyes registered surprise for a fraction of a second, and then settled into their familiar, sardonic gaze. Desiree unsuccessfully fought the blush that bloomed in her cheeks. He didn’t say anything, simply removed his long, black leather coat and handed it to her with his cap. Then, with a slight smirk on his face, he strode into the main parlour.
“You know him?” Severine asked.
“Just in passing…I’ve got to get back to the kitchen to fill the trays. They’re coming back quickly, now.”
“Ah, that’s a good sign. They must be enjoying the food. You run along, then. There shouldn’t be many more guests.”
For the next half hour Desiree was quite busy preparing for and refilling the trays, which came back in rapid succession. It wasn’t long before Severine was able to join her, and after another busy half hour things finally began to slow down enough for them each to take a quick break.
There were stairs leading down to a small garden just off the kitchen, so Desiree decided to have a cigarette. She welcomed the cool breeze that greeted her when she opened the door. She went out onto the small, covered landing, settled back against the railing and lit a cigarette.
She had almost finished when she heard a rustle in the kitchen.
“Severine?”
“No.”
It was the young Major. Desiree stubbed out her cigarette and went back inside. There he stood, wine glass in hand, that sardonic grin on his face.
“We meet again,” he said. “Imagine my surprise.”
“Why should it be a surprise?”
“I don’t know-perhaps because I didn’t picture you as a chef.”
“Well, you were right in a way,” Desiree responded. “I’m not a chef per se, I’m a caterer.”
“Is that all you are?”
Desiree’s heart nearly stopped, but she didn’t hesitate to answer. “Yes.”
The Major’s eyes searched hers for quite a while, but she managed to convey a calm façade, although it felt like her heart was hammering in her chest. He was as striking as she remembered, with that pale skin and thin, red mouth, and the image of that beautiful face in the throes of passion once again filled her mind.
His eyes softened. “I’ll be honest. I was hoping you would come back. Otherwise I was going to try to find you.”
Desiree froze, and again the two stood in silence, staring each other down. Then Desiree saw the sadness creep back into those icy blue eyes, and the smile that came with it was equally sad-and familiar as well. Then she remembered. It was the same smile he wore when she was dressing to leave, and the last thing she saw before she closed the door behind her. How had she missed the sadness in that smile?
“I’m glad I saw you again tonight,” he finally said. “Otherwise I might have continued to entertain the notion that I could-somehow-become involved with you. Now I know it won’t happen. So I don’t have to think about you any more.”
Desiree reached out to him. “Major…”
“Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t pity me.”
Desiree pulled back her hand.
“There’s nothing to pity, after all,” he said. “I told you before-I’m used to it.”
He smiled again and was about to leave, when he stopped suddenly, clicked his heels and bowed to her.
“Madame,” he said, then rose up, turned and left the kitchen.
Desiree took several deep breaths. She tried hard not to think about it, but she couldn’t escape the fact that she had hurt this young man, and she had also hurt Hans, yet again. What was it in her that wanted to hurt them?
Was it because they were Nazis? But Uwe had been a Nazi, and she had loved him. Yet she’d also hated herself for loving him. So why had she felt so drawn to Hans and the young Major? And why did what she feel for Hans in particular seem so powerful and so frightening? Desiree thought hard.
The uniforms.
She had always loved uniforms because they reminded her of her long-dead father, and how handsome he had looked in his uniform in the last war. But that was too simple and obvious an answer to what she was sure brought forth a deeper, more primal feeling.
Desiree remembered the intensity of her first encounter with Uwe, the feel and smell of the rough wool of his tunic against her back when he took her. The strange comfort she’d felt when he’d held her close afterward. Then she remembered those times when he’d cuddled her in his office, how she’d buried her face in his shoulder, rubbing her cheeks against that same, rough wool. And she remembered those times when she had knelt before him, opened his trousers, and gazed up at him in all his uniformed splendor as she took him in her mouth, how she clung to those wool trousers when he came and she swallowed his seed.
It had been the same with Hans. She had been mesmerised by her first sight of him in his dress uniform. She couldn’t help smiling tonight when she saw him in it again. And that day in his office, she had buried her face in the rough wool of his uniformed shoulder, even bit down on it hard when she came.
And she had been almost thunderstruck by the Major’s beautiful, black uniform. She couldn’t remember anyone else in the bar-she heard voices when she tried to remember, and realized it had been crowded with people, but she could not remember a single face, not even the bartender, and she had spoken to him as well. She had been so spellbound by the young Major that she literally couldn’t see anyone else. And when he had pulled her into the alley to kiss her, she was thrilled and nearly lost herself in that kiss.
Suddenly it came to her. She had been mourning Uwe; mourning him and missing him terribly and not wanting to admit it. And it was almost as though she were taking him back inside her when she was with Hans and the young Major.
But that wasn’t the whole story, either. After all, she’d met plenty of soldiers since the war began and hadn’t thought of them as anything other than soldiers. She’d enjoyed seeing all the uniforms, but she hadn’t fallen in love with any of them. Uwe was the first one she had fallen in love with and her relationship with him had been very, very different from every other relationship she’d had with a man-or woman, for that matter.
There was the jumble of emotions she felt with him, everything from severe pain and abject terror to intense arousal and the thrill of the forbidden. She had felt much of the same with both Hans and the young Major.
The Major was simply a ship that passed in the night. However harsh that might sound, it was the truth. Now she regretted the pain she’d brought him.
But there was much, much more at work in her relationship with Hans. It was that odd sense of familiarity, of a shared outlook of the world, almost of a shared soul. And what all that added up to was the very real possibility-as terrifying as it was to think about-of actually falling in love again. Of loving another human being again. And, of course, of facing the possibility of suffering yet another loss. She wasn’t sure if she could survive another one. There had been far too many losses in her life.
But there was no turning back now. Desiree knew what she needed to do, and she would do it.
* * * * * * *
The guests were leaving, and Hans would soon go with them. Desiree didn’t want him to leave without having a chance to speak with him. She caught up with him and Hermann as they were putting on their coats.
“Hans…I need to speak with you.”
He hesitated for a moment, looking straight into her eyes. He saw a plea there, an entreaty; and he somehow felt he couldn’t turn away from it.
“Hermann, I’ll meet you outside the front door once you’ve brought the car round. Just honk the horn for me.”
“Jawohl, Standartenführer.”
Hans turned back to Desiree as soon as Hermann had left, his eyes full of concern.”
“What is it, Desiree?”
“It wasn’t true…what I said before. I didn’t mean it.”
He brought a hand up to her cheek again. “I know,” he told her.
“I wanted to hurt you.”
“I know you did. I wanted to hurt you, too, but I don’t want to any more.”
“I don’t either.”
He stroked her cheek lightly. As much as he wanted to kiss her, this wasn’t the right moment for either of them.
“Help Severine clean up,” he said. “Then-will you wait for me here? I want to talk with you some more.”
“Yes,” Desiree breathed. She lifted her mouth to his, awaited his kiss. She was so warm, so open to him and her scent was driving him mad. It took everything Hans had to keep from kissing her. He smiled at her and stroked her cheek once more, then turned away.
“Severine!” he called.
Severine came out of the kitchen, quickly drying her hands on her apron.
“Yes, Monsieur Colonel?”
“Desiree will help you with the washing up. Then she’s to remain here, to wait for my return. Please show her to the library when you’re done. Then you’re welcome to retire for the night whenever you wish.”
He paused for a moment, then smiled warmly at Severine.
“You’ve done a wonderful job for me today,” he told her. “Thank you.”
The car horn sounded outside.
“I must leave now,” he went on. “I’ll be back as quickly as I can. Again, thank you for all you’ve done today, Severine. I’ll be seeing you later, Desiree.” He disappeared out the front door, and they heard his footsteps as he hurried down the marble stairs.
Severine was astonished. “He’s never thanked me before,” she told Desiree. “He’ll tell me I’ve done a good job, or praise my cooking, but that’s the first time he’s ever actually thanked me.”
She turned to look at Desiree. “He’s fond of you, I think. Are you fond of him?”
Desiree hesitated for a moment. “Yes,” she finally said, “I am.”
She hadn’t wanted to admit this to herself, but as soon as she said the words to Severine she knew they were true-and somehow, a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.