(no subject)
Mom's been fired. I'm filing her grievance and I have no idea what I'm doing.
I just bombed two tests in a row.
I wish I knew what to do about this bp business. It just drags on and on and on with no end in sight, outside of the obvious and tragic. I'm the type of individual that needs to be able to form a plan and *do* something, and I've just had to endure for too long now. I'm starting to lose it. How much longer can things go on this way?
I knew the transition would be difficult, but I had no idea it would be like this. Some days I'm so powerful and so confident, and some days I feel I'm constantly two steps from disaster. I barely know who I am. I just had no time to figure it out. And now I'm running blind and just barely holding it together day to day, and it's a lot. It's just a lot. I'm working without a net here.
I keep reading scriptures from different faiths and praying and meditating and trying to connect with something beyond myself, but the lines of communication appear to be down on both ends. Perhaps there was a hurricane in heaven. Sometimes I wish I could still call myself a Christian, but I mostly wish I could still believe in something. Anything. The absence of faith is really hard for me to cope with. One day the thin illusion of greater meaning just vanished, and it hasn't made an appearance since. I don't discount the possibility of a greater being, but fuck, maybe I just woke up.
Have I changed for the better or the worse?
I need to stop staying up to all hours, man.
I just bombed two tests in a row.
I wish I knew what to do about this bp business. It just drags on and on and on with no end in sight, outside of the obvious and tragic. I'm the type of individual that needs to be able to form a plan and *do* something, and I've just had to endure for too long now. I'm starting to lose it. How much longer can things go on this way?
I knew the transition would be difficult, but I had no idea it would be like this. Some days I'm so powerful and so confident, and some days I feel I'm constantly two steps from disaster. I barely know who I am. I just had no time to figure it out. And now I'm running blind and just barely holding it together day to day, and it's a lot. It's just a lot. I'm working without a net here.
I keep reading scriptures from different faiths and praying and meditating and trying to connect with something beyond myself, but the lines of communication appear to be down on both ends. Perhaps there was a hurricane in heaven. Sometimes I wish I could still call myself a Christian, but I mostly wish I could still believe in something. Anything. The absence of faith is really hard for me to cope with. One day the thin illusion of greater meaning just vanished, and it hasn't made an appearance since. I don't discount the possibility of a greater being, but fuck, maybe I just woke up.
Have I changed for the better or the worse?
I need to stop staying up to all hours, man.