(no subject)
so i'm still taking care of the babies. the parents aren't feeding them right, but i have to leave the babes in the cage so they can stay warm with their mom and dad. i just hope that i can keep giving them the "good food" that should help them enough times to make them better.
mom dad and i went to the doctors today to have our conference about doing a homebound program for a week or two. my parents never liked the idea, but the dr. thought it was a good idea too. but my dad kept saying things that he didn't intend to be mean(i hope he didn't) but they really hurt. he made a comment about how "he and mom have had to rearrange/change their lifestyle" because of me and yet "she now wants to stay at home". yet he tells me that their glad to change "their lifestyle" because they're my parents and bullshit like that. that they want me to get better and be happy, but apparently not if it means staying home where i can actually get better or going away to somewhere where i can be safe (although we didn't discuss that today, but we used to) i'm so sick of people lying to me or just trying to placate (is that the right word?) me - just tell me something so that i don't act out in any way, just do anything to shut her up. i'm not an idiot! i'm not stupid! but it really hurts when they say things like that. some of what i'm talking abuot i can't write about here 'cause i haven't told any of you about it and i don't want to right now, so you wouldn't get it. i hate this - and i hate how stupid i've been. i know i just said i wasn't stupid, but a different kind of stupid lol.
i can't give up - i promised when i thought things might actually stay better - but things can't stay the way they are. i tried to change the bad things, but then my parents kept going on and on about how they had to change their lives just for me and how they are inconvienced by having to hide certain things and how it would be completely stupid for me to take some time to myself
to sum it up, they talked pretty much about how much of a pain-in-the-ass i was and dealing with me, especially in this way, is just a fucking pain. so then i say no, don't do it, i'm just going to keep doing things how i am now, and then i get crap because my dr wants me to do this homebound thing so now they have to write a letter and they don't know what to say and yet i won't help them. well i told them i was not going to do homebound just like they wanted and then they get pissed because i won't help them write the letter to get me on homebound.
god damn it. i hate crying. i had gone so long without crying, and now all i want to do is cry and sleep. sleep would be preferable, but i hate the time before i fall asleep when all i can remember is the stupuid shit i do to cause people grief and how bad i feel. i hate being so self-centered, but when i try to be less, i just become moreso.
i wish i wasn't this way. i wish i could have done something to make my brain work right. i wish i could just tear out my brain and throw it away so that the worst part of me couldn't bother anyone anymore. i need to go get a tissue. and then take the pills. and then go to bed. we have practice at 8 and my dad has to leave the house at 7:30 exactly.
mom dad and i went to the doctors today to have our conference about doing a homebound program for a week or two. my parents never liked the idea, but the dr. thought it was a good idea too. but my dad kept saying things that he didn't intend to be mean(i hope he didn't) but they really hurt. he made a comment about how "he and mom have had to rearrange/change their lifestyle" because of me and yet "she now wants to stay at home". yet he tells me that their glad to change "their lifestyle" because they're my parents and bullshit like that. that they want me to get better and be happy, but apparently not if it means staying home where i can actually get better or going away to somewhere where i can be safe (although we didn't discuss that today, but we used to) i'm so sick of people lying to me or just trying to placate (is that the right word?) me - just tell me something so that i don't act out in any way, just do anything to shut her up. i'm not an idiot! i'm not stupid! but it really hurts when they say things like that. some of what i'm talking abuot i can't write about here 'cause i haven't told any of you about it and i don't want to right now, so you wouldn't get it. i hate this - and i hate how stupid i've been. i know i just said i wasn't stupid, but a different kind of stupid lol.
i can't give up - i promised when i thought things might actually stay better - but things can't stay the way they are. i tried to change the bad things, but then my parents kept going on and on about how they had to change their lives just for me and how they are inconvienced by having to hide certain things and how it would be completely stupid for me to take some time to myself
to sum it up, they talked pretty much about how much of a pain-in-the-ass i was and dealing with me, especially in this way, is just a fucking pain. so then i say no, don't do it, i'm just going to keep doing things how i am now, and then i get crap because my dr wants me to do this homebound thing so now they have to write a letter and they don't know what to say and yet i won't help them. well i told them i was not going to do homebound just like they wanted and then they get pissed because i won't help them write the letter to get me on homebound.
god damn it. i hate crying. i had gone so long without crying, and now all i want to do is cry and sleep. sleep would be preferable, but i hate the time before i fall asleep when all i can remember is the stupuid shit i do to cause people grief and how bad i feel. i hate being so self-centered, but when i try to be less, i just become moreso.
i wish i wasn't this way. i wish i could have done something to make my brain work right. i wish i could just tear out my brain and throw it away so that the worst part of me couldn't bother anyone anymore. i need to go get a tissue. and then take the pills. and then go to bed. we have practice at 8 and my dad has to leave the house at 7:30 exactly.