(no subject)
i'm so scared. i know i'm whining, but oh well. if you don't want to hear it then don't read this post.
i'm scared that i stopped breathing last night. and not once, but a lot of times. maybe 10? a bunch in the ambulance and at school and stuff. i could hear everything going on but i couldn't do anything: i couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't breathe.
and yet, i'm scared because, on some level, i welcomed that numbness. not being able to breathe. i was comfortable there - i didn't fear pain, i didn't feel scared, and i didn't have that huge guilt hanging over me.
now i'm scared that i'm going to break my promise not to . . . yeah. because now i have a little bit of knowledge as to what it's like not to feel. and i know i liked the absence, no guilt. but what if something goes wrong and i wake up? then i'm going to have even more guilt. or if my parents and friends don't get it - don't get that it's not their fault i'm hurting so badly.
i don't want to keep going up to down to up so much. i have no control over my emotions : sometimes i have a goal; to survive for one more day. but then i crash, and go back to me. i don't want to be there. i want to hope, i want to be happy. i just don't know how to stay there. i've tried so many things. and still i wait for eye of the storm.
i'm just so scared. and sick. and worn-out. and alone.
i have to hold on. i have to hold on.
i'm so scared.
i'm scared that i stopped breathing last night. and not once, but a lot of times. maybe 10? a bunch in the ambulance and at school and stuff. i could hear everything going on but i couldn't do anything: i couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't breathe.
and yet, i'm scared because, on some level, i welcomed that numbness. not being able to breathe. i was comfortable there - i didn't fear pain, i didn't feel scared, and i didn't have that huge guilt hanging over me.
now i'm scared that i'm going to break my promise not to . . . yeah. because now i have a little bit of knowledge as to what it's like not to feel. and i know i liked the absence, no guilt. but what if something goes wrong and i wake up? then i'm going to have even more guilt. or if my parents and friends don't get it - don't get that it's not their fault i'm hurting so badly.
i don't want to keep going up to down to up so much. i have no control over my emotions : sometimes i have a goal; to survive for one more day. but then i crash, and go back to me. i don't want to be there. i want to hope, i want to be happy. i just don't know how to stay there. i've tried so many things. and still i wait for eye of the storm.
i'm just so scared. and sick. and worn-out. and alone.
i have to hold on. i have to hold on.
i'm so scared.