(no subject)
Sorry to everyone who has had to deal with me this week. My mom visited me today, because she figured that I needed some cheering up. It was so good to see her. I sang all of the pieces for my jury for her. Damn, I never sound that good. I had support AND focus! I was even on the verge of being expressive. She was proud and for the first time ever complimented me and said, "maybe you were born to be an opera singer." that coming from the same woman who demands that i only sing music theater and pop and stop sounding like i'm yodeling. It was so cool to have her compliment me for once. But did I do that in studio...oh hell no. Once again, I get in front of people and all confidence, technique, and all that other goodness goes byebye. I make an ass of myself every time I sing infront of an audience and I don't know why. Why do I psych myself out? I know that everyone in the audience only wants to hear me do my best. What the hell am I scared of. Now I am terrified to sing my qualifying exam. What if I sing the way I did in studio? I have an aesthetics paper, an aesthetics final, the penderecki tomorrow, a french oral presentation tomorrow morning, a french final, a vocal jazz vocal exam, and of course my jury all within 5 days! To top it off, my mind is still occupied with thoughts of my grandfather, my vocal/confidence issues, and stupid as it sounds guy/dating/rejection issues. Life really sucks right now...even more so since today was the first day in forever that I didn't work out. However, I did compensate by eating like a pig and singing way too much. I am so stupid! The good news, after Wednesday afternoon, sophmore year of college will be over and I will have a summer of freedom, practicing, and work to look forward to. Of course this summer will be temporarily delayed on Saturday due to Grandpa's funeral. The first that went through my head after studio was over: Grandpa was watching over me as I sang and I let him down. I'm going to work on my aesthetics paper some more, exercise, study some more, and maybe i'll sleep a little later.