this is pain which is movement
I’m running through life. Diving and weaving not always looking where I am going. I move from one thing to another with such speed I cannon truly appreciate where I am at.
Slow down
Slow down
I am searching. Is my search one of drive or insanity? Look at people we call insane. Are they not passionate? Are they not excited and energetic? Are they not enigmatic? There are all of these things. They move too fast for us to track. Is their brain skipping like record? But wait! Even if a record is skipping is there not some continuity and sense to the sound? It is all from the same vinyl, the same grove running around around and around on the table under the needle. What if the record never moved and the needle was your finger and it ran across the surface like a lover’s caress, then would it make sense.??
This is art; this is music; this is definition. But there is not form. It cannot be for its own sake. But then for what? Recap my life. Perhaps things can be learned by looking back.
How far back? Who was I? I definitely don’t know who I am, but who was I?
What is love for me? Why am I capable of moving so rapidly? I am never satisfied, yet am always. Attraction
Jess: passion, intrigue. Such a shy person so introverted yet motivated in the world. How is it possible for someone so self focused to exist so strongly? I think that I could see the incongruity in her from the start. That is what caught me. There was some strange struggle and balance going on inside her that I didn’t understand. Standards were used, then discarded, and then returned to with a death grip. The seams almost invisible.
What do I want?
I think that in all my past relationships I have been the rock. I am not the most stable person, or an easy person to be with that is for sure. But I have certain elements that are. I give my word. That and I keep it. On the occasions that I have not kept my word I clean it up. This is important to me. Mara. I bought the coffee; money has always been one of those things that I am counted on for.
Money: I make things happen. I’ve always had a talent at making money and been a dedicated worker. This has its ups and downs. I can always get a job, and generally keep it for at least some length of time. However I earned exorbent amounts of money when I was young, before I had any expenses. While my sister earned meager amounts of cash and started saving I never through twice about it. I had more than three grand in checking since I was 14, and never realized that there was something called cash flow, and that I should be saving that money somewhere else. For me savings was my future potential to earn more, not save what I had. At the time this worked out fine because I had no bills and couldn’t spend all that cash if I wanted to. There wasn’t that much to spend it on. I got a cell phone, a truck, a motorcycle, and a computer. All paid in cash. I have never seriously considered money as a barrier between me and something I wanted in my life.
My lack of stress about money leads me to loosing a lot of it though. I would rather pay the bill at olive garden than deal with explaining credit card tipping to Jessica. I would rather put $20 in gas in my car and drive Kirsten up north to climb than ask for a contribution. I would rather have company on the road than ask for half the cost of the necessary oil change. I would rather have my co-workers really like me than keep all my tips. I spend more money on other people I would say than I do on myself. I cook for people all the time, they don’t pay for groceries, I don’t ask. I open $20 of wine at the drop of a hat and buy them a drink at the bar. I think I need to find a way to budget better.
I am going though, and entering a pivotal place in my life. A lot of things are in the balance at the moment.
I am considering who I am as a person and what it means to be in relation to other people. I am experimenting with poly-amorous love and relationships.
I am establishing two new relationships right now. One with Jessica who’ve I dated for a year. We are starting something totally new now, but we are not and cannot forget our past. The other is with Rosie. From a hook-up on our first encounter to having her essentially living in my room for close to a month to considering moving in together. Separate bedrooms.
Rosie: too much to fast? We meet, we hang out the attraction is vibrant in the air, we fuck. Fuck some more. Then everything comes out. Jess and me break up. Rosie and I area still fucking. She knows about jess, jess knows about her. Casual: too casual. We both know it. Neither one is saying anything. We banter about fucking other people. But I am with her and jess only. She says she has no desire for anyone else; is trying not to get attached. Now it’s too late. I am attached. I told her so. We haven’t really talked much since. We still sleep together. No more pubic affection, I move out to the couch for a while to cry and ice my elbow. She wakes 4 hours later and leads me back to bed. We have sex, underwhelming. I haven’t gotten off in a week and cum quickly. I hold her and cry afterward. How can we be so close and so distant?
Moving on:
I am moving through relationships and myself
I am about to move my home. I’ve been living in this apt for almost two years now. It’s a home to me. It’s not perfect but I like it, my things are there and where I want them. The kitchen is something I am proud to cook in and the envy of many of my friends. Home is important to me and moving is not something I am looking forward to. I like having something trustworthy and stable to come back to after my travels.
My financial situation is rough. I will make it though, I know that but it might mean addressing some core issues in my life and my relationship with other people to make that happen.
My education is in the balance. I am struggling to even make it through this semester. Thinking of moving to California and going to school out there. That would make finances even tighter.
Perhaps a move would be good.
Living into the future: surely what broke me and Kirsten up was that the future of us was not together. We both knew that there would be a time where there was not room for the other in our life. We handled living into that future in very different ways however. I am not qualified to say which was healthier. But if the move to California is going to happen; if that is my future I am going to start living into it. That means limiting connections here, limiting commitments here. Preparing to uproot and move and be free. What does that mean to Rosie? (Jess and Kirsten will also likely go into this consideration). Will it be possible for us (Rosie and I) to run parallel and then suddenly split? Or will that future of separation widen the gap between us slowly in attempt to dampen the blow of separation only to watch the train wheels fall onto wooden ties unable to glide any longer? I don’t know. This scares me.
I could really use someone to lean on in my life right now. I am considering going to see Thorston. Perhaps counseling would help. I need to talk, but to someone I can trust. Someone who will trust me, be open and honest with me. It is so difficult for me to open up, even harder when it is not returned right away. But I want to. I want to be open to someone, open to someone who will love me, help me. Not just destroy me. Kirsten is not that person. Jess is definitely not. Rosie, I hope that will happen.
I want to be with her, I told her the other night that I care for her. I like her. I love her. That I would like to be in some level of commitment with her even if it is just a commitment of communication. What would I like? I like where Jess and I seem to be going. Seeing each other less often works a lot better for us. I like the idea of being playmates with her and having BDSM part of our relationship. If I named an ideal situation she would be in a stable relationship with a semi-kinky male and collared to me. I would love her as a submissive, playmate and friend/lover. But seeing her once perhaps twice a week. It is probably not cool for me to project that fantasy out into the world but it’s there. That would be my ideal with her. I think it would work well for her too, dependant mostly on the other male.
Rosie: I don’t want to be with other people (excluding jess and playmates Rosie brings home). I want openness in our relationship. Obviously. But the kind of open where we talk about things and other people before the fact. If that’s a “I’m going out to the club tonight and have a fantasy of bring someone I meet there home, how do you feel about that?” or a planned date, or whatever. Not just totally random. I don’t want the “so who did you fuck this week?” conversation. If one of us moves on I would like to think that it could be a process not an abrupt severing of us. I banter too much about her hooking up with Gaylen or other boys (not sure if she has hooked up with anyone else since we got together. Possible though. Perhaps that is the distance between us now. I don’t know). I think I do that (joke and banter) as a way of addressing my fear and jealousy. I don’t want her to! I really don’t. It meant so much to me when she said she didn’t have desire for anyone else. So why am I pushing her too? Have I pushed her away? Perhaps. I also don’t want her to be stuck. I want her free. Free to choose, be, live, love. I want a relationship that adds to both our lives, not one that takes away. Really I just want to know where she is at.
I snapped the other night, perhaps inappropriately at her. 2.5 hours after she said she’d be home she wasn’t home or answering her phone. I had committed to bring her home that night to see her sister and had been waiting up already when she called the first time. I went to Ian’s and found her there, phone practically in hand. Why didn’t she pick up? I don’t care if she wants to change plans, not come over, turn down the ride, stay out later and get a ride later. I do mind that I made a commitment and honored it and she didn’t honor her side, or communicate about what was going on. It is the second time this has happened this week. Is that her way of testing me? Seeing how I react when she discards me, my affection, my commitment? I don’t like that. It’s not the late thing that got me either time. It’s the lack of communication. If we lived together, shared a bed, bedroom where she had keys I wouldn’t care, well I would but I would have handled it differently. I would have just gone to bed. But I wasn’t going to say I could let her in and then sleep through my phone.
I don’t deal well with not knowing. Truth, painful as it might be I can be with, retreat into and emerge. But limbo, I am in limbo right now and it’s wearing on me. If she never want to see me again, doesn’t want to be my lover, thinks I’m too controlling (god I hope that my desire to be communicated with is not being interpreted as controlling. I am in now way wanting her to ask permission for anything she does! Even bumming at my apt I want her to feel no obligation. I will tell her if something is not working for me (as I have twice now). I don’t need to know where she is at all times, who she is with, or anything like that. I just want to be communicated with in areas where her life affects mine. I need to know what’s up with her only so I can make decisions for Me.). Whatever it is that she is experiencing I would like to know about it.
I know that she is an emotional person, and struggles same as I do to express herself. Wherever we go together I hope we go to a place where we can talk to each other, be open and vulnerable. Perhaps that is why I have such a strong desire to have some commitment to her, so that there is safety in that vulnerability. I need someone I can be weak in front of, be shallow in front of. Cry in front of. I want her to be safe to cry in front of me too. We cannot continue on this surface level of fucking, sleeping, stressing; too scared that the other is about to leave to even look each other in the eye.
Slow down
Slow down
I am searching. Is my search one of drive or insanity? Look at people we call insane. Are they not passionate? Are they not excited and energetic? Are they not enigmatic? There are all of these things. They move too fast for us to track. Is their brain skipping like record? But wait! Even if a record is skipping is there not some continuity and sense to the sound? It is all from the same vinyl, the same grove running around around and around on the table under the needle. What if the record never moved and the needle was your finger and it ran across the surface like a lover’s caress, then would it make sense.??
This is art; this is music; this is definition. But there is not form. It cannot be for its own sake. But then for what? Recap my life. Perhaps things can be learned by looking back.
How far back? Who was I? I definitely don’t know who I am, but who was I?
What is love for me? Why am I capable of moving so rapidly? I am never satisfied, yet am always. Attraction
Jess: passion, intrigue. Such a shy person so introverted yet motivated in the world. How is it possible for someone so self focused to exist so strongly? I think that I could see the incongruity in her from the start. That is what caught me. There was some strange struggle and balance going on inside her that I didn’t understand. Standards were used, then discarded, and then returned to with a death grip. The seams almost invisible.
What do I want?
I think that in all my past relationships I have been the rock. I am not the most stable person, or an easy person to be with that is for sure. But I have certain elements that are. I give my word. That and I keep it. On the occasions that I have not kept my word I clean it up. This is important to me. Mara. I bought the coffee; money has always been one of those things that I am counted on for.
Money: I make things happen. I’ve always had a talent at making money and been a dedicated worker. This has its ups and downs. I can always get a job, and generally keep it for at least some length of time. However I earned exorbent amounts of money when I was young, before I had any expenses. While my sister earned meager amounts of cash and started saving I never through twice about it. I had more than three grand in checking since I was 14, and never realized that there was something called cash flow, and that I should be saving that money somewhere else. For me savings was my future potential to earn more, not save what I had. At the time this worked out fine because I had no bills and couldn’t spend all that cash if I wanted to. There wasn’t that much to spend it on. I got a cell phone, a truck, a motorcycle, and a computer. All paid in cash. I have never seriously considered money as a barrier between me and something I wanted in my life.
My lack of stress about money leads me to loosing a lot of it though. I would rather pay the bill at olive garden than deal with explaining credit card tipping to Jessica. I would rather put $20 in gas in my car and drive Kirsten up north to climb than ask for a contribution. I would rather have company on the road than ask for half the cost of the necessary oil change. I would rather have my co-workers really like me than keep all my tips. I spend more money on other people I would say than I do on myself. I cook for people all the time, they don’t pay for groceries, I don’t ask. I open $20 of wine at the drop of a hat and buy them a drink at the bar. I think I need to find a way to budget better.
I am going though, and entering a pivotal place in my life. A lot of things are in the balance at the moment.
I am considering who I am as a person and what it means to be in relation to other people. I am experimenting with poly-amorous love and relationships.
I am establishing two new relationships right now. One with Jessica who’ve I dated for a year. We are starting something totally new now, but we are not and cannot forget our past. The other is with Rosie. From a hook-up on our first encounter to having her essentially living in my room for close to a month to considering moving in together. Separate bedrooms.
Rosie: too much to fast? We meet, we hang out the attraction is vibrant in the air, we fuck. Fuck some more. Then everything comes out. Jess and me break up. Rosie and I area still fucking. She knows about jess, jess knows about her. Casual: too casual. We both know it. Neither one is saying anything. We banter about fucking other people. But I am with her and jess only. She says she has no desire for anyone else; is trying not to get attached. Now it’s too late. I am attached. I told her so. We haven’t really talked much since. We still sleep together. No more pubic affection, I move out to the couch for a while to cry and ice my elbow. She wakes 4 hours later and leads me back to bed. We have sex, underwhelming. I haven’t gotten off in a week and cum quickly. I hold her and cry afterward. How can we be so close and so distant?
Moving on:
I am moving through relationships and myself
I am about to move my home. I’ve been living in this apt for almost two years now. It’s a home to me. It’s not perfect but I like it, my things are there and where I want them. The kitchen is something I am proud to cook in and the envy of many of my friends. Home is important to me and moving is not something I am looking forward to. I like having something trustworthy and stable to come back to after my travels.
My financial situation is rough. I will make it though, I know that but it might mean addressing some core issues in my life and my relationship with other people to make that happen.
My education is in the balance. I am struggling to even make it through this semester. Thinking of moving to California and going to school out there. That would make finances even tighter.
Perhaps a move would be good.
Living into the future: surely what broke me and Kirsten up was that the future of us was not together. We both knew that there would be a time where there was not room for the other in our life. We handled living into that future in very different ways however. I am not qualified to say which was healthier. But if the move to California is going to happen; if that is my future I am going to start living into it. That means limiting connections here, limiting commitments here. Preparing to uproot and move and be free. What does that mean to Rosie? (Jess and Kirsten will also likely go into this consideration). Will it be possible for us (Rosie and I) to run parallel and then suddenly split? Or will that future of separation widen the gap between us slowly in attempt to dampen the blow of separation only to watch the train wheels fall onto wooden ties unable to glide any longer? I don’t know. This scares me.
I could really use someone to lean on in my life right now. I am considering going to see Thorston. Perhaps counseling would help. I need to talk, but to someone I can trust. Someone who will trust me, be open and honest with me. It is so difficult for me to open up, even harder when it is not returned right away. But I want to. I want to be open to someone, open to someone who will love me, help me. Not just destroy me. Kirsten is not that person. Jess is definitely not. Rosie, I hope that will happen.
I want to be with her, I told her the other night that I care for her. I like her. I love her. That I would like to be in some level of commitment with her even if it is just a commitment of communication. What would I like? I like where Jess and I seem to be going. Seeing each other less often works a lot better for us. I like the idea of being playmates with her and having BDSM part of our relationship. If I named an ideal situation she would be in a stable relationship with a semi-kinky male and collared to me. I would love her as a submissive, playmate and friend/lover. But seeing her once perhaps twice a week. It is probably not cool for me to project that fantasy out into the world but it’s there. That would be my ideal with her. I think it would work well for her too, dependant mostly on the other male.
Rosie: I don’t want to be with other people (excluding jess and playmates Rosie brings home). I want openness in our relationship. Obviously. But the kind of open where we talk about things and other people before the fact. If that’s a “I’m going out to the club tonight and have a fantasy of bring someone I meet there home, how do you feel about that?” or a planned date, or whatever. Not just totally random. I don’t want the “so who did you fuck this week?” conversation. If one of us moves on I would like to think that it could be a process not an abrupt severing of us. I banter too much about her hooking up with Gaylen or other boys (not sure if she has hooked up with anyone else since we got together. Possible though. Perhaps that is the distance between us now. I don’t know). I think I do that (joke and banter) as a way of addressing my fear and jealousy. I don’t want her to! I really don’t. It meant so much to me when she said she didn’t have desire for anyone else. So why am I pushing her too? Have I pushed her away? Perhaps. I also don’t want her to be stuck. I want her free. Free to choose, be, live, love. I want a relationship that adds to both our lives, not one that takes away. Really I just want to know where she is at.
I snapped the other night, perhaps inappropriately at her. 2.5 hours after she said she’d be home she wasn’t home or answering her phone. I had committed to bring her home that night to see her sister and had been waiting up already when she called the first time. I went to Ian’s and found her there, phone practically in hand. Why didn’t she pick up? I don’t care if she wants to change plans, not come over, turn down the ride, stay out later and get a ride later. I do mind that I made a commitment and honored it and she didn’t honor her side, or communicate about what was going on. It is the second time this has happened this week. Is that her way of testing me? Seeing how I react when she discards me, my affection, my commitment? I don’t like that. It’s not the late thing that got me either time. It’s the lack of communication. If we lived together, shared a bed, bedroom where she had keys I wouldn’t care, well I would but I would have handled it differently. I would have just gone to bed. But I wasn’t going to say I could let her in and then sleep through my phone.
I don’t deal well with not knowing. Truth, painful as it might be I can be with, retreat into and emerge. But limbo, I am in limbo right now and it’s wearing on me. If she never want to see me again, doesn’t want to be my lover, thinks I’m too controlling (god I hope that my desire to be communicated with is not being interpreted as controlling. I am in now way wanting her to ask permission for anything she does! Even bumming at my apt I want her to feel no obligation. I will tell her if something is not working for me (as I have twice now). I don’t need to know where she is at all times, who she is with, or anything like that. I just want to be communicated with in areas where her life affects mine. I need to know what’s up with her only so I can make decisions for Me.). Whatever it is that she is experiencing I would like to know about it.
I know that she is an emotional person, and struggles same as I do to express herself. Wherever we go together I hope we go to a place where we can talk to each other, be open and vulnerable. Perhaps that is why I have such a strong desire to have some commitment to her, so that there is safety in that vulnerability. I need someone I can be weak in front of, be shallow in front of. Cry in front of. I want her to be safe to cry in front of me too. We cannot continue on this surface level of fucking, sleeping, stressing; too scared that the other is about to leave to even look each other in the eye.