oh fuck off
So, I walk into the venue this afternoon and up on the wall is this damn shot ...
Oh, it isn't the first time I've played a venue he did, obviously. But, since I'm older now than he was when he died, I notice little things, you know. Like photos of him up on the wall. Music on the playlist.
Yeah, it hit me a couple of days ago ... that I am older now than when Marc died. I hadn't let myself think about it, you know. But there he's been, sitting on my shoulder, and tonight he was looking me dead in the eyes.
Fuck you. Fuck you for getting sick and fuck you for dying and fuck you for not being here to see your kid grow up. Fuck you for making us love you so damn much because you were such a good human and you never let the bullshit drag you down but you never let us get away with crap either. We were all better because of you.
It's been almost twenty years and I still hear your damn voice in my head telling me to keep practicing and keep working and that not a damn thing is deserved in this world but if you've got some luck and some focus and some skill and people in your corner, you might get something. I can still hear you saying that I had a choice - that I could let it all control me, or I could ride the current and in doing so, claim my control right back.
We're all broken, you said one night. We were at your place in Austin, out by the pool. We were drinking coffee and smoking and I was ranting about something or other and you tossed your cigarette onto the concrete of the pool deck and ground it out under your boot and looked me in the eye and said Sasha, we're all fucking broken. Every single one of us in this industry, we're here because the story inside of us it's bigger than what we even understand. So you take that scared little girl and you tell her she's got a choice. You tell her she can find her adulthood and put her head on straight and walk with her demons, or she can let them consume her.
Hadn't thought about that in ages. But there you were, on the wall of this damn club, younger then than I am now. You don't know that Jason and I got married. It's okay, you wouldn't approve anyway. You don't know that I've got two kids and one of them is a damn ballerina and no one is ever going to drag her down off of a pole and into a back room. You don't know that I'm doing what I'm doing now and every day I work my ass off and I've kept my shit together because you looked me in the eye and said I had a choice.
Added My Immortal back to the set list for the first time in years. I hate doing it without Mike's violin, but I've got the piano covered. We moved on, you see. The world kept turning and the music industry has new stars. You never got the chance to meet AJ ... oh, Marc. You would have snatched her up and toured with her and celebrated her and Mike would have killed you and you wouldn't have given a damn because she's as much this god she never met as she is her stepfather and her own father. We moved on, baby. Cause that's what we do. We don't live in one place forever. The band is more successful than ever and we've got families and lives... but sometimes, the past comes back at you so hard that it leaves a bruise right across your eyes where you've been crying.
I miss you, you fucking asshole. And I hate that you're dead. I hate you so fucking much.
Oh, it isn't the first time I've played a venue he did, obviously. But, since I'm older now than he was when he died, I notice little things, you know. Like photos of him up on the wall. Music on the playlist.
Yeah, it hit me a couple of days ago ... that I am older now than when Marc died. I hadn't let myself think about it, you know. But there he's been, sitting on my shoulder, and tonight he was looking me dead in the eyes.
Fuck you. Fuck you for getting sick and fuck you for dying and fuck you for not being here to see your kid grow up. Fuck you for making us love you so damn much because you were such a good human and you never let the bullshit drag you down but you never let us get away with crap either. We were all better because of you.
It's been almost twenty years and I still hear your damn voice in my head telling me to keep practicing and keep working and that not a damn thing is deserved in this world but if you've got some luck and some focus and some skill and people in your corner, you might get something. I can still hear you saying that I had a choice - that I could let it all control me, or I could ride the current and in doing so, claim my control right back.
We're all broken, you said one night. We were at your place in Austin, out by the pool. We were drinking coffee and smoking and I was ranting about something or other and you tossed your cigarette onto the concrete of the pool deck and ground it out under your boot and looked me in the eye and said Sasha, we're all fucking broken. Every single one of us in this industry, we're here because the story inside of us it's bigger than what we even understand. So you take that scared little girl and you tell her she's got a choice. You tell her she can find her adulthood and put her head on straight and walk with her demons, or she can let them consume her.
Hadn't thought about that in ages. But there you were, on the wall of this damn club, younger then than I am now. You don't know that Jason and I got married. It's okay, you wouldn't approve anyway. You don't know that I've got two kids and one of them is a damn ballerina and no one is ever going to drag her down off of a pole and into a back room. You don't know that I'm doing what I'm doing now and every day I work my ass off and I've kept my shit together because you looked me in the eye and said I had a choice.
Added My Immortal back to the set list for the first time in years. I hate doing it without Mike's violin, but I've got the piano covered. We moved on, you see. The world kept turning and the music industry has new stars. You never got the chance to meet AJ ... oh, Marc. You would have snatched her up and toured with her and celebrated her and Mike would have killed you and you wouldn't have given a damn because she's as much this god she never met as she is her stepfather and her own father. We moved on, baby. Cause that's what we do. We don't live in one place forever. The band is more successful than ever and we've got families and lives... but sometimes, the past comes back at you so hard that it leaves a bruise right across your eyes where you've been crying.
I miss you, you fucking asshole. And I hate that you're dead. I hate you so fucking much.