SA Rant
This just occured me. I was playing the 360 on my Dad's account (he won't let me get my own) and one of his friends came on. My instant thought was "Please don't invite me to chat, thinking it's my Dad." He first sent me a message telling me to invite him to my game. The game was full so I couldn't but didn't respond back. He invited me to chat, still thinking I was my Dad. I didn't know what to do. Accepting the invite and telling him that it was his daughter would have been the smart thing or even sending him a message would have worked too but both of those freaked me out so I just ignored it. He kept inviting me to chat and I finally just went upstairs to ask my Dad what to do. He told me to send him a message so I did but my heart was racing. He wrote back saying "aahhh" and played a few games with me before he left and went to play with other people. My anxiety started talking then. "Did he hate playing with me?" "Am I really that bad of a player?" "Did Dad say I have trouble talking with people and that's why he responded with that?" "I did something wrong. Why would he leave if I hadn't?" Those thoughts are irrational, I know.
I got a message from one of my friends saying "hi missed you." yesterday. My brain instantly started to wonder why she'd miss me. To be honest, I can't tell you now either. She knows about my SA so maybe she thinks I'm lonely?
I got a message from one of my other friends saying "what tis up?!?!?" about an hour ago. She's freaking out about her Math final tomorrow and I told her that worrying doesn't help anything, even though I worry all of the time. I like this switch, though; it's normally her telling me everything's going to be okay.
Someone on the SA community on here said that maybe my friends think I want pitty. I don't. I feel bad because I freak out so much and I always cling to them when I have to go anywhere. I feel bad that I talk so much because I'm scared of silences. In a lot of ways, I wish I hadn't told anyone at school and just kept the anxiety in my head or when I was talking to the therapist. None of my friends understand the panicy-feeling or the feeling of being trapped and one of my older friends that I've known since third grade, told me to just "get over it". I can't relate to them with much and often wonder why they still talk to me.
I hate how crippling SA is. For as long as I can remember, the anxiety has been there. It's affected my social life (obviously) and my grades too. It's taken over so much of me that there's barely any left. If you asked me my hobbies, I'd tell you. But who I really am? I don't know. Some of the traits people label me as I don't have; it was just my anxiety was so bad that it prevented me from doing things (e.g. I'm lazy, which I can be a lot of times, but I'm not entirely) and sort of made me a rule-follower because I was so scared of getting in trouble with adults other than my parents due to the embarrassement (e.g. I'm uptight). I've grown more reculsive over the years because of it and although I can tell you what "normal" people talk about, none of it holds any intrest to me.
I used to be generally happy, helpful, nice, caring...in a lot of ways, with the exception of at home, the ideal daughter. I used to volunteer frequently and have awards to prove it. I did it because I was helping people and because I didn't have a life anyway but mainly because I loved helping people. I battled anxiety to the point where I was scared to go out to the porch or get the mail and often wanted to throw up at the thought of school. I got through it and, amazingly, didn't have a panic attack. I didn't want to bother other people with my problems, which I didn't know was really even a problem, just that it was me being shy, and was often told to "go be a kid". I didn't have a single friend at that time. I wish I could go back to that time.
In seventh grade, everything went downhill. I had many signs of depression and worried my parents and teachers. Looking back, I think it was just my anxiety acting up really bad--worse than it was before.
Although I'm no longer afraid of going to the mailbox (for the most part) and I do talk a lot to the people I'm comfortable with, I can't go to the mall or movies--even the store--without having bad anxiety. The last time I went to the mall to get new shoes (in September or October, I think), I threw a "temper tantrum". I was so scared I was crying and there was no one in the store, minus the employees. I kept telling my Mom to hurry up and ticked her off. I probably annoyed the sales clerk but if I did, you couldn't tell. Yeah, the mall will be a goal I achieve at the tail-end of therapy.
When I talk about my SA, I don't want pity. I just want to rant. ^^
I got a message from one of my friends saying "hi missed you." yesterday. My brain instantly started to wonder why she'd miss me. To be honest, I can't tell you now either. She knows about my SA so maybe she thinks I'm lonely?
I got a message from one of my other friends saying "what tis up?!?!?" about an hour ago. She's freaking out about her Math final tomorrow and I told her that worrying doesn't help anything, even though I worry all of the time. I like this switch, though; it's normally her telling me everything's going to be okay.
Someone on the SA community on here said that maybe my friends think I want pitty. I don't. I feel bad because I freak out so much and I always cling to them when I have to go anywhere. I feel bad that I talk so much because I'm scared of silences. In a lot of ways, I wish I hadn't told anyone at school and just kept the anxiety in my head or when I was talking to the therapist. None of my friends understand the panicy-feeling or the feeling of being trapped and one of my older friends that I've known since third grade, told me to just "get over it". I can't relate to them with much and often wonder why they still talk to me.
I hate how crippling SA is. For as long as I can remember, the anxiety has been there. It's affected my social life (obviously) and my grades too. It's taken over so much of me that there's barely any left. If you asked me my hobbies, I'd tell you. But who I really am? I don't know. Some of the traits people label me as I don't have; it was just my anxiety was so bad that it prevented me from doing things (e.g. I'm lazy, which I can be a lot of times, but I'm not entirely) and sort of made me a rule-follower because I was so scared of getting in trouble with adults other than my parents due to the embarrassement (e.g. I'm uptight). I've grown more reculsive over the years because of it and although I can tell you what "normal" people talk about, none of it holds any intrest to me.
I used to be generally happy, helpful, nice, caring...in a lot of ways, with the exception of at home, the ideal daughter. I used to volunteer frequently and have awards to prove it. I did it because I was helping people and because I didn't have a life anyway but mainly because I loved helping people. I battled anxiety to the point where I was scared to go out to the porch or get the mail and often wanted to throw up at the thought of school. I got through it and, amazingly, didn't have a panic attack. I didn't want to bother other people with my problems, which I didn't know was really even a problem, just that it was me being shy, and was often told to "go be a kid". I didn't have a single friend at that time. I wish I could go back to that time.
In seventh grade, everything went downhill. I had many signs of depression and worried my parents and teachers. Looking back, I think it was just my anxiety acting up really bad--worse than it was before.
Although I'm no longer afraid of going to the mailbox (for the most part) and I do talk a lot to the people I'm comfortable with, I can't go to the mall or movies--even the store--without having bad anxiety. The last time I went to the mall to get new shoes (in September or October, I think), I threw a "temper tantrum". I was so scared I was crying and there was no one in the store, minus the employees. I kept telling my Mom to hurry up and ticked her off. I probably annoyed the sales clerk but if I did, you couldn't tell. Yeah, the mall will be a goal I achieve at the tail-end of therapy.
When I talk about my SA, I don't want pity. I just want to rant. ^^