(no subject)
Well I don't know why I am still here. Every one always comes up with a reason for me to stay one way, or another. I don't do anything any more I have no effect on anyones life, except I occasionally bother them by calling them on the phone. They are always doing something more important I don't blame them. My presence has become a nuisance. I no longer feel welcome anywhere not even in my own house. I only have two people I can consider friends. One I always feel like I bother when I call them, and the other I don't think really wants me around. My family does not want me, and frankly I don't want them anymore. I have spent an entire day trying to think of how my absence would effect every one, but no matter how hard I try to think of something negative it always turns out positive or doing more good than bad. There is one reason for me to stay one reason that has keep me here for as long as I have, and that can only be defined as hope. Hope it took a while to happen, but it has I have lost it I have finally lost hope. Hope for returned love, hope for my one true desire, hope for some one to relieve me of my emptiness. I found that person, and for a while I was happier than I had ever been in my life. The problem was that circumstances would not, or maybe I should say she would not let us be because of circumstances. In the simplest terms I did not make her as happy as she made me, or he made her.
Now that I no longer have my diluted feelings of hope. I have no more strings holding me back. I can not figure out why I am still here, but I think it might be the tiniest of threads so small you can not see save for the smallest of moments in the early morning when the dew is so fresh you can smell it and as the sun begins to shine the dew makes it shine so bright it hurts your eyes to look at it. She still cares I know she cares no matter how much I piss her off. She cares not as much as I would like, but she does and she asked me not to go. That the simplest of requests is what is holding me here, and I love that and I hate that at the same time. I barely ever see her, but when I do my world just gets so much brighter even if we are simply in the same room. So I will probably end up staying, but you never know. No matter what happens you never really get what you want.
Now that I no longer have my diluted feelings of hope. I have no more strings holding me back. I can not figure out why I am still here, but I think it might be the tiniest of threads so small you can not see save for the smallest of moments in the early morning when the dew is so fresh you can smell it and as the sun begins to shine the dew makes it shine so bright it hurts your eyes to look at it. She still cares I know she cares no matter how much I piss her off. She cares not as much as I would like, but she does and she asked me not to go. That the simplest of requests is what is holding me here, and I love that and I hate that at the same time. I barely ever see her, but when I do my world just gets so much brighter even if we are simply in the same room. So I will probably end up staying, but you never know. No matter what happens you never really get what you want.