the last dispatch
every time i listen to dispatch i am imediatly, if not sooner, thrown back to senior year of high school, when i first heard of the band and who i was with and what we were doing. i get nastalgic, and i hate it. i cry. i get upset. i remember things i always try to forget. i fall... again. into the hole where i was for years. but atleast now i am confident this will only feel this way for tonight. it doesnt help that i got in a fight with the boy today. and yes, i mean bob. bob will always be the boy to me, and i feel odd talking about anyone else that way. well, except bryce but thats because hes a spoiled brat and my entire family calls him the boy. anyway... here goes nothing:
every day i wonder what your doing with your life, who you are with, how drunk you are. and when it comes down to it i know you are not happy. i know this because of how you act and the things that you do and from what i see when i look into your eyes. i love the fact that you keep it a secret that you hang out with me, because to me that shows you are weak. i love that you are weak because i know that i make you weak. and that makes me feel powerful. and you have had power over me for three years, its about time i got some of that back into my own hands. you have told me, recently, that you aren't over me, and probably never will be, that i make you so happy and so miserable at the same time and i understand because i feel the same. we will never be together, as long as i am on this "KATE IS SO SANE" track. as long as my heart beats normally and my head stays on my neck, i'll probably never be with you again unless you drug me. which i wouldnt slip by you.
you are everything to me. i hate it. everyone knows this. and the fact that i relate you to so much of my music (that i listen to on a daily basis, alllll fucking day) sucks so much ass i cannot even put it into words. all it takes is one line, one chord, one song that we used to sing and i am reduced to a pile of tears. dispatch does it for me. oneee fucking harmonized note and i cry. thats it for me, dispatch = bob and i cant take it because i love their music... it depresses me to no end now. we used to sing so much dispatch with everyone when times were right. i used to sit on the bed and push his stomach and help him hit the notes, we used to have sing alongs all the time. i miss our first few months of dating. and i think thats all i miss but i hold those months sooooo fucking close to my heart i never let go of them. late night car drives, him getting stoned and me being "edge," singing to eachother at night before we'd go to sleep, having to lie to my parents about staying out on weekends, practically living out of his grosssss disgusting boy room that was never ever ever clean unless we went on a cleaning bindge and moved the entire room around. all the cds i made him, all the times he'd be listening to them when i'd come over. phish. i cannot thank him enough for opening my eyes to new music. and im sure he can't do the same for me. but its the worst part of my day, hearing a song on the radio that reminds me of him and most do.
i am over it, the relationship aspect. i am not lieing when i say that. i've been talking to/hanging out with new people and i know it kills him. the other day he wouldnt shut up about les. and was pissed that i had to leave here at 6 so he had to leave here at 6 so i could go to woonsocket. he made comments all afternoon about me going up there, and i can tell it was hurting him. but god forbid i say anything about providence and the sluts up there. fuck no kate, dont cross that line with him or you get screamed at and told your a cunt.
god damn it.
so many emotions packed into one long ass rant.
i apologize.
i don't want you people thinking im weak.
i am not sad because i want him back or because i want him to be here
i just wish things were different.
i wish he'd actually let me speak insted of ignoring me and then telling me how i feel about shit. or asking me whats wrong and then flipping out at me when i tell him. or decideding to UP AND MOVE to providence because we got in a tiff over him being a lieing slut. whatever. go. move to providence. all you'll find there are people who will stab you in the back and tell you your awesome, and then when i see them tell me they are so sick of you and cant stand that you and rand are up there all the time. atleast you can rely on me to tell you like it is right to your fucking face and still be here for you after all you've done to me. moving there will be the second biggest mistake of your life.
# one is a toss up...
i miss the way we all used to be.
i miss 30 people at the marchand house after school for hack and halo and music.
even though we hated it then, and wanted to take naps all the time
i miss it all now.
i need a mind eraser. i need whatever you have that helps you forget everything so easily. i'll pay 20 dollars for it, give it to me now.
every day i wonder what your doing with your life, who you are with, how drunk you are. and when it comes down to it i know you are not happy. i know this because of how you act and the things that you do and from what i see when i look into your eyes. i love the fact that you keep it a secret that you hang out with me, because to me that shows you are weak. i love that you are weak because i know that i make you weak. and that makes me feel powerful. and you have had power over me for three years, its about time i got some of that back into my own hands. you have told me, recently, that you aren't over me, and probably never will be, that i make you so happy and so miserable at the same time and i understand because i feel the same. we will never be together, as long as i am on this "KATE IS SO SANE" track. as long as my heart beats normally and my head stays on my neck, i'll probably never be with you again unless you drug me. which i wouldnt slip by you.
you are everything to me. i hate it. everyone knows this. and the fact that i relate you to so much of my music (that i listen to on a daily basis, alllll fucking day) sucks so much ass i cannot even put it into words. all it takes is one line, one chord, one song that we used to sing and i am reduced to a pile of tears. dispatch does it for me. oneee fucking harmonized note and i cry. thats it for me, dispatch = bob and i cant take it because i love their music... it depresses me to no end now. we used to sing so much dispatch with everyone when times were right. i used to sit on the bed and push his stomach and help him hit the notes, we used to have sing alongs all the time. i miss our first few months of dating. and i think thats all i miss but i hold those months sooooo fucking close to my heart i never let go of them. late night car drives, him getting stoned and me being "edge," singing to eachother at night before we'd go to sleep, having to lie to my parents about staying out on weekends, practically living out of his grosssss disgusting boy room that was never ever ever clean unless we went on a cleaning bindge and moved the entire room around. all the cds i made him, all the times he'd be listening to them when i'd come over. phish. i cannot thank him enough for opening my eyes to new music. and im sure he can't do the same for me. but its the worst part of my day, hearing a song on the radio that reminds me of him and most do.
i am over it, the relationship aspect. i am not lieing when i say that. i've been talking to/hanging out with new people and i know it kills him. the other day he wouldnt shut up about les. and was pissed that i had to leave here at 6 so he had to leave here at 6 so i could go to woonsocket. he made comments all afternoon about me going up there, and i can tell it was hurting him. but god forbid i say anything about providence and the sluts up there. fuck no kate, dont cross that line with him or you get screamed at and told your a cunt.
god damn it.
so many emotions packed into one long ass rant.
i apologize.
i don't want you people thinking im weak.
i am not sad because i want him back or because i want him to be here
i just wish things were different.
i wish he'd actually let me speak insted of ignoring me and then telling me how i feel about shit. or asking me whats wrong and then flipping out at me when i tell him. or decideding to UP AND MOVE to providence because we got in a tiff over him being a lieing slut. whatever. go. move to providence. all you'll find there are people who will stab you in the back and tell you your awesome, and then when i see them tell me they are so sick of you and cant stand that you and rand are up there all the time. atleast you can rely on me to tell you like it is right to your fucking face and still be here for you after all you've done to me. moving there will be the second biggest mistake of your life.
# one is a toss up...
i miss the way we all used to be.
i miss 30 people at the marchand house after school for hack and halo and music.
even though we hated it then, and wanted to take naps all the time
i miss it all now.
i need a mind eraser. i need whatever you have that helps you forget everything so easily. i'll pay 20 dollars for it, give it to me now.