(no subject)
You know, I have rarely been really, seriously, legitimately worried about the future. I mean, I've always had doubts and fears (especially about failing, because that's what I'm worried about 99% of the time, either in general form or about something specific), but this is different. I've been looking into graduate schools, and trying to figure out where I should be going and what I should be doing, and it's suddenly...terrifying. For one thing, I've begun my Psych work kind of late into my college career--or at least, late in the sense that I'm not going to have the staggering amount of internship work that graduate schools all seem to want.
This is quite likely to leave me tumbling out of college needing to find an internship and/or job so I can wait a year and try again. I'm trying not to think about what happens then if it doesn't work. I'm smart, and I'm persevering...that has to count for something, right? But in the meantime, I'm afraid of dragging other people down because I'm not in a totally put-together place. I've been lucky--there has always been the beacon of college after high school, and grad school after college, and some undefined "future" after that. Now it's looking a bit more foggy because I don't have any guarantees.
I don't mind scraping and crawling for what I want, but it's harder because I don't have the "nothing to lose" mindset anymore. I do have things I just...can't lose. What if I can't make it, ever? Then what? Then where do I go?
This is overwhelming.
This is quite likely to leave me tumbling out of college needing to find an internship and/or job so I can wait a year and try again. I'm trying not to think about what happens then if it doesn't work. I'm smart, and I'm persevering...that has to count for something, right? But in the meantime, I'm afraid of dragging other people down because I'm not in a totally put-together place. I've been lucky--there has always been the beacon of college after high school, and grad school after college, and some undefined "future" after that. Now it's looking a bit more foggy because I don't have any guarantees.
I don't mind scraping and crawling for what I want, but it's harder because I don't have the "nothing to lose" mindset anymore. I do have things I just...can't lose. What if I can't make it, ever? Then what? Then where do I go?
This is overwhelming.