Co-planning my Move with Katrina
I had a really wonderful weekend with Katrina here. We went through all the in-house belongings briefly, and filled out a spreadsheet. Per item, the spreadsheet identifies item name, location, rates whether in present use, has sentimental value, has an application at her place, has an application if I lived elsewhere, a determination (use immediately, store accessibly, store longer-range, sell, give away, or dump), a destination room at her place, and any other notes.
This adventure served multiple purposes... it allowed me to share significant stories about items. It allowed me to identify my 'carrying set' of stuff for short vs. longer range, cohousing vs. independent. It helped us both visualize what her home will look like with my stuff in it. It helps me size up the quantities of stuff and think about transportation of them all to various locations they need to go. It helps me provide a list of what I'm bringing to the house, and would remove if/when I leave.
We also wrote up a rental agreement indicating goals of a working cohousing relationship, as well as specific objectives and understandings, including rent requirements, guest and activities, chores, what is shared, what is private, personal belongings, and varied ways in which the agreement may be amended or terminated.
There is a lot of emotional safety in knowing more of what to expect. Writing up specifics makes that explicit. It also builds bridges and helps us think about what we are co-creating. It leads to better understanding of what both of our vision for home space is, and we are finding it largely compatible. Visualizing my future there makes it less cloudy and uncertain and more real. It also helps me see my current home as a container for my stuff which is not the shape and size that I need for my life going forward, so it's part of being able to say goodbye happily. All these things validate choices and draw us toward something better, away from something which has been good or at times burdensome.
I expressed a lot of concern with her about how much focus she is giving my needs right now, and my own frustration that my focus on the big shuffle of my life is actually making me a little less attentive to her and me and the more romantic side of our relationship, as well as outward discovery and exploration (camping, activities, friends). I realize this is just my emotional centers barging in and telling me stories about what a relationship 'should' look like, and that the midbrain/emotional mind does not have a sense of past and future, everything is the present.
When I engage the rational mind and when I really hear HER feedback, it's clear that sure it is out of balance at this moment in some ways, but I have already been there for her many times and we have built a track record of giving with each other... her needs are being met at present, as are mine. So, the need there is for affirmation and identifying that the 'should' is a mismatch with the reality... and she was able to provide that assurance... very wonderful.
This adventure served multiple purposes... it allowed me to share significant stories about items. It allowed me to identify my 'carrying set' of stuff for short vs. longer range, cohousing vs. independent. It helped us both visualize what her home will look like with my stuff in it. It helps me size up the quantities of stuff and think about transportation of them all to various locations they need to go. It helps me provide a list of what I'm bringing to the house, and would remove if/when I leave.
We also wrote up a rental agreement indicating goals of a working cohousing relationship, as well as specific objectives and understandings, including rent requirements, guest and activities, chores, what is shared, what is private, personal belongings, and varied ways in which the agreement may be amended or terminated.
There is a lot of emotional safety in knowing more of what to expect. Writing up specifics makes that explicit. It also builds bridges and helps us think about what we are co-creating. It leads to better understanding of what both of our vision for home space is, and we are finding it largely compatible. Visualizing my future there makes it less cloudy and uncertain and more real. It also helps me see my current home as a container for my stuff which is not the shape and size that I need for my life going forward, so it's part of being able to say goodbye happily. All these things validate choices and draw us toward something better, away from something which has been good or at times burdensome.
I expressed a lot of concern with her about how much focus she is giving my needs right now, and my own frustration that my focus on the big shuffle of my life is actually making me a little less attentive to her and me and the more romantic side of our relationship, as well as outward discovery and exploration (camping, activities, friends). I realize this is just my emotional centers barging in and telling me stories about what a relationship 'should' look like, and that the midbrain/emotional mind does not have a sense of past and future, everything is the present.
When I engage the rational mind and when I really hear HER feedback, it's clear that sure it is out of balance at this moment in some ways, but I have already been there for her many times and we have built a track record of giving with each other... her needs are being met at present, as are mine. So, the need there is for affirmation and identifying that the 'should' is a mismatch with the reality... and she was able to provide that assurance... very wonderful.