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ONE PIECE FAN-FOR-ALL

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PREMISE:Generally stolen from what the PW kink-meme has become, the idea

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Callouses Pt. 2

[anonymous]

Not that she had spent that much time imagining his erogenous zones before they'd started sleeping together, they'd just turned out to be less obvious than the conventional ones. His neck, the small of his back, his ears, the insides of his elbows, between his pecs, his navel... and the more obvious places, too. Of course it wasn't so much a matter of where she'd touch him so much as how she'd touch him. She didn't know if he remembered what gentleness felt like, or if he'd ever felt it at all; affection for him lay in the spaces behind gruffness, indifference, hostility and contempt. The only ways he knew how to relate to anyone emotionally. He expressed what he really felt by never saying it. Once, before she'd really begun to understand him, she'd mistaken his boisterous declarations of love for exactly what they appeared to be: a huge, gaping hole in his emotional armor through which he was somehow never wounded by rejection. Now she understood it to be just a different sort of armor, another callous protecting him from real sensation. It wasn't the same method that he used to deal with his feelings about men, where he could only express them as being the opposite of what they really were; he really did love women, or rather the idea of them. Somewhere underneath all the layers of protection he'd built up he knew they weren't really perfect, flawless goddesses, but to admit that would be to pierce the safety of the fantasy. It would leave him vulnerable and having grown up surrounded by men who only related to each other by saying the opposite of what they meant, having been consumed by his need to be one of them, to be accepted by them, and to surpass them, to be vulnerable in any way was unthinkable. So he kept himself safe by pretending he was wide open.

In some ways, she understood him better than anyone else on board, although it had taken her some time to figure out. For the first while after they'd met she felt more distant from him than any of the others. They never really had conversations or talked about anything important, or even trivial, for that matter. The closest they had ever come to having an honest conversation had been at Drum Island after she had told him she was defying Kureha's orders and returning to the Merry before she'd completely recovered. She had been vulnerable, sick and worried about Vivi, and had forgotten who she had been talking to. Worried for her and recovering from his own injury, he had been disapproving and concerned for her, eerily silent in the wake of her declaration. Kureha's well-timed intervention had spared them both from the looming moment of emotional honesty which had been a relief. That wasn't how their relationship worked and they both knew it.

Well, if she was being honest with herself, there were other times the cracks in his armor showed. Brief glimpses past the barriers when he would get an unexpected compliment, admitting to a moment of weakness, or when one of the others would cross a line, like Luffy and Usopp's fight over poor Merry. Moments that she hadn't registered at the time but now in retrospect had become quietly treasured memories of when they had managed to glimpse the real Sanji without his pretense or affectations. For his sake she hoped he continued to have them. He was beautiful in there. She knew everyone else agreed on that but none of them would ever mention it out loud. Whether he would voluntarily start letting his guard down around them was something he had to work out for himself.