Hmm
Hmm, so it's been quite a while since I've used this, about four years to be exact. Not exactly sure where to start, as life has changed quite a bit since my last visit to this site. I've lost general faith in relationships, I've become a much more analytical thinker than I had used to be, and I've moved my life to places I never expected to find myself. Now I don't think that any of the aforementioned things are all that bad, as they make me who I am and I do think I'm atleast a half decent person. Life is definitely not as I expected it to be, atleast if four years ago someone would have posted a comment on my Livejournal telling me what I'd be doing with my life and how I'd be entertaining myself, I would have simply told them they were mistaken, and I would never be that kind of person. Again, not that it's bad, it's just not a place I'd really see myself.
Now really, am I happy? I think I'm happier over the past few months than I have been over the past few years, but no I don't think my life is exactly where I'd like it to be. I'd like to be back in school, I feel like I've definitely matured to the point that I've found that school is somewhere I definitely need to be. There are things in life I want, and to get my hands on what I want I need to start with getting back into school. I mean I don't think I'm that much of an adult really, I still act like a child, I still look at half the things I do days or weeks later and seriously question my sanity, but I have become more accustomed to making rational and logical decisions that have serious impact on my life, and really that's what growing up is, isn't it?
I've reconnected with Kris, which was definitely a good thing. I've found that I need to recognize who my true friends are, I need to know who is going to be next to me when I really need them. I give a lot of people far too much credit when it comes to how they value my friendship, and honestly that's just because I used to have entirely too much faith in humanity. People lie and merely look out for themselves, myself obviously included. But I feel like there are people who I can trust to put me atleast somewhere close to their heart and make me something that benefits themselves. I love a lot of my close friends, I really do, and I would go to the end of the earth for them. But do I think that they'd all do the same for me? No, and I don't exactly expect them to. I've founded new friendships lately on that ideology, I've come to not really expect much from people, but when they do things for me, or when they show appreciation or gratitude, it really goes a long way.
Now I've developed some new activities that I've come to appreciate and enjoy, most of which get looked down upon by even my closest friends. I don't expect anyone to really understand, as I don't even feign to comprehend my decisions. But I do know that it is something that I feel is changing me, and I'd like to think for the better. My mind is being stimulated and I've come to question things about my life that really needed to be approached. Now I'm not saying that I'm actually fixing things in my life that have been broken for some time, but I've atleast come to finally admit that something needs to change.
It's been atleast four months since I've had sex, and as I've told so many people, so many different answers to this question, I've actually come to question myself as to how long it's really been. As much as it would have bothered me even a year ago, I don't seem to mind as much lately. I mean I get the obvious compulsion on occasion to tackle any moving thing, but I don't seem to care for the most part. I've come to realize that I don't miss the physical attachment as much as I miss feeling loved. I know it sounds gay, and believe me it's not something I say comfortably, but I really do miss feeling affection. I'm not exactly sure how it is that I've come to this place in my life, maybe I'm actually growing up. Maybe I'm not just the whore of a man that I led myself to believe. Meh, I don't think I'll ever find a real answer to that, but it is definitely something that has risen to the top of my concerns. What if my own outlook on life, isn't what I really want anymore?
Well, I'm not exactly sure where to go with this now, I think I'll just call it a night here. I'll end up updating this a little bit more sometime down the road, after a bit of introspection, and possibly elaborate a bit on my life as it stands. But as of now, life is good, life is where I can handle it. I guess we'll see what happens as my life moves along and hopefully I can keep up.
Now really, am I happy? I think I'm happier over the past few months than I have been over the past few years, but no I don't think my life is exactly where I'd like it to be. I'd like to be back in school, I feel like I've definitely matured to the point that I've found that school is somewhere I definitely need to be. There are things in life I want, and to get my hands on what I want I need to start with getting back into school. I mean I don't think I'm that much of an adult really, I still act like a child, I still look at half the things I do days or weeks later and seriously question my sanity, but I have become more accustomed to making rational and logical decisions that have serious impact on my life, and really that's what growing up is, isn't it?
I've reconnected with Kris, which was definitely a good thing. I've found that I need to recognize who my true friends are, I need to know who is going to be next to me when I really need them. I give a lot of people far too much credit when it comes to how they value my friendship, and honestly that's just because I used to have entirely too much faith in humanity. People lie and merely look out for themselves, myself obviously included. But I feel like there are people who I can trust to put me atleast somewhere close to their heart and make me something that benefits themselves. I love a lot of my close friends, I really do, and I would go to the end of the earth for them. But do I think that they'd all do the same for me? No, and I don't exactly expect them to. I've founded new friendships lately on that ideology, I've come to not really expect much from people, but when they do things for me, or when they show appreciation or gratitude, it really goes a long way.
Now I've developed some new activities that I've come to appreciate and enjoy, most of which get looked down upon by even my closest friends. I don't expect anyone to really understand, as I don't even feign to comprehend my decisions. But I do know that it is something that I feel is changing me, and I'd like to think for the better. My mind is being stimulated and I've come to question things about my life that really needed to be approached. Now I'm not saying that I'm actually fixing things in my life that have been broken for some time, but I've atleast come to finally admit that something needs to change.
It's been atleast four months since I've had sex, and as I've told so many people, so many different answers to this question, I've actually come to question myself as to how long it's really been. As much as it would have bothered me even a year ago, I don't seem to mind as much lately. I mean I get the obvious compulsion on occasion to tackle any moving thing, but I don't seem to care for the most part. I've come to realize that I don't miss the physical attachment as much as I miss feeling loved. I know it sounds gay, and believe me it's not something I say comfortably, but I really do miss feeling affection. I'm not exactly sure how it is that I've come to this place in my life, maybe I'm actually growing up. Maybe I'm not just the whore of a man that I led myself to believe. Meh, I don't think I'll ever find a real answer to that, but it is definitely something that has risen to the top of my concerns. What if my own outlook on life, isn't what I really want anymore?
Well, I'm not exactly sure where to go with this now, I think I'll just call it a night here. I'll end up updating this a little bit more sometime down the road, after a bit of introspection, and possibly elaborate a bit on my life as it stands. But as of now, life is good, life is where I can handle it. I guess we'll see what happens as my life moves along and hopefully I can keep up.