How I've Been...
Well I don't feel like opening this entry with a song... it detracts from my entries... I only ever did it so people could tell ahead of time through the music how I was... this time I can explain it in one word: horrible.
Becky and I got back together, really quickly after we broke up actually... and she has now again dumped me... Not her fault though, its my own... You see, I've been trying to get the money to go to school for quite sometime... everytime I get accepted to a school and get ready to go.. something comes up and I cannot attend.. I guess this has stressed becky out and made her feel she cant have a safe future with me... I also cannot seem to find a job all the time, granted there is one now I could go work if I wanted... Shes still felt unsure of her future... So she has decided to leave me... To "figure herself out"... I am afraid that she wont come back... and had those fears realized further today when I was told she was laying on the couch in her apartment... with another guy... She told me she didnt leave me over someone else.. .and I trust that she didnt... I called her up and asked her about it, she said she was just sleeping there with a friend... a friend who likes her... I love Becky... no other woman will know a love like the one I have for Becky... It doesnt matter to me all the negative things that have passed between Becky and I... I always completely forgive her... I believe that in a relationship forgiveness and compromise is the only true path to being happy with one another... I also do not make becky be anything but herself... if she has poor table manners, thats fine... if she has a few bad habits here and there... thats fine... I truly love this girl... I want no other in my life... I am minorly hurt that she was doing as she was... since she only dumped me a day or so ago... but its all my fault anyway... I care too little about me and more about her, my son and my family... I always put me aside... I guess that by doing so I have actually made her not want to be with me in a way... You have to understand... I have never been mean to becky... even she can attest to that... just as I can attest she has never really been mean to me... We have differences of opinion but normally are ok with them and accept them... Just as a couple should... The most major one was her choice to go to Pittsburgh for school... I asked her to stay around here because I was afraid she'd find a good job up there... and I wouldn't want her to give that up for me... I also said I thought she'd find someone better and leave me... but as long as she was honest about it I was ok with it... She kept telling me she'd come back and that I was the only one for her... I trusted her... Seems her story is differet now... that she doesn't want to come back here till I can get things arranged so that I can leave... because I wont remain around here... and well, the later is still not true... because I trust Becky completely....
I've been beating myself up over all this... I want her to be happy... but I want her in my life... I want to marry her... I really do love her so very much... She never had to worry about anything with money when she was around here... she never had to worry about someone being there for her... I always was... I can't be now... and that is another reason she left me... because she misses me and can't see me.. That entire situation is the fault of her roommate who tried to break us up... This roommate who's mother says that I can't visit Becky's apartment or she and Becky's father will have me arrested... I have done everything to get up there to visit Becky... I still will continue to do so... if she chooses to return to me... I just... I don't know what to do anymore... I have been accepted to 3+ school... one of which is the same school becky attends... I want to go there badly... but I dont want to seem like I'm following becky... but in the end... isnt that what she wants? She wants to be able to see me, yet chose to move whe she did... I just feel so helpless in this situation... I don't want to lose her... I really don't...
Becky is a very special woman... She is kind and compassionate to anyone she meets... She has a great big heart... that you can't help but love... She may not be a genius, but she is quite bright... She works really hard on things and never leaves a project till its done... (I wonder why she left me, our relationship could be her project if she wanted, though its pretty good as is... we have the occassional argument like any couple... but always work through it).... I just... admire her so much... and am so intrigued by her... She is truly one of a kind, like-no-other... Shes also very beautiful... she has such lovely eyes... and a great smile when its the honest one... not the cheesy one... She has such a gentle touch... such a soothing voice... I love the way she walks, talks, laughs... The way she twitches her right foot the moment she falls asleep... I love how right it always has felt to hold her in my arms... damn it now I'm crying again... do that a lot lately... There are so many great memories with her... more great than bad... more great than even semi bad... I just love her to death... any man who can meet a girl/woman even half as great as Becky... is blessed... I sometimes think shes the only good thing to come into my life besides Damien... Thats another thing... she is so great with him... I couldnt ask for a better partner in raising him... again, that is, if she returns... I really hope she does... I pray to God that she does... but if she doesnt... thats ok I guess... I'll just... try and put it out of my mind... I miss her though... You have no idea how much I do... I just really really miss her... well I hope she doesnt read any of this... I'll seem rather odd... I screwed up so much... I best go... God bless all...
Becky and I got back together, really quickly after we broke up actually... and she has now again dumped me... Not her fault though, its my own... You see, I've been trying to get the money to go to school for quite sometime... everytime I get accepted to a school and get ready to go.. something comes up and I cannot attend.. I guess this has stressed becky out and made her feel she cant have a safe future with me... I also cannot seem to find a job all the time, granted there is one now I could go work if I wanted... Shes still felt unsure of her future... So she has decided to leave me... To "figure herself out"... I am afraid that she wont come back... and had those fears realized further today when I was told she was laying on the couch in her apartment... with another guy... She told me she didnt leave me over someone else.. .and I trust that she didnt... I called her up and asked her about it, she said she was just sleeping there with a friend... a friend who likes her... I love Becky... no other woman will know a love like the one I have for Becky... It doesnt matter to me all the negative things that have passed between Becky and I... I always completely forgive her... I believe that in a relationship forgiveness and compromise is the only true path to being happy with one another... I also do not make becky be anything but herself... if she has poor table manners, thats fine... if she has a few bad habits here and there... thats fine... I truly love this girl... I want no other in my life... I am minorly hurt that she was doing as she was... since she only dumped me a day or so ago... but its all my fault anyway... I care too little about me and more about her, my son and my family... I always put me aside... I guess that by doing so I have actually made her not want to be with me in a way... You have to understand... I have never been mean to becky... even she can attest to that... just as I can attest she has never really been mean to me... We have differences of opinion but normally are ok with them and accept them... Just as a couple should... The most major one was her choice to go to Pittsburgh for school... I asked her to stay around here because I was afraid she'd find a good job up there... and I wouldn't want her to give that up for me... I also said I thought she'd find someone better and leave me... but as long as she was honest about it I was ok with it... She kept telling me she'd come back and that I was the only one for her... I trusted her... Seems her story is differet now... that she doesn't want to come back here till I can get things arranged so that I can leave... because I wont remain around here... and well, the later is still not true... because I trust Becky completely....
I've been beating myself up over all this... I want her to be happy... but I want her in my life... I want to marry her... I really do love her so very much... She never had to worry about anything with money when she was around here... she never had to worry about someone being there for her... I always was... I can't be now... and that is another reason she left me... because she misses me and can't see me.. That entire situation is the fault of her roommate who tried to break us up... This roommate who's mother says that I can't visit Becky's apartment or she and Becky's father will have me arrested... I have done everything to get up there to visit Becky... I still will continue to do so... if she chooses to return to me... I just... I don't know what to do anymore... I have been accepted to 3+ school... one of which is the same school becky attends... I want to go there badly... but I dont want to seem like I'm following becky... but in the end... isnt that what she wants? She wants to be able to see me, yet chose to move whe she did... I just feel so helpless in this situation... I don't want to lose her... I really don't...
Becky is a very special woman... She is kind and compassionate to anyone she meets... She has a great big heart... that you can't help but love... She may not be a genius, but she is quite bright... She works really hard on things and never leaves a project till its done... (I wonder why she left me, our relationship could be her project if she wanted, though its pretty good as is... we have the occassional argument like any couple... but always work through it).... I just... admire her so much... and am so intrigued by her... She is truly one of a kind, like-no-other... Shes also very beautiful... she has such lovely eyes... and a great smile when its the honest one... not the cheesy one... She has such a gentle touch... such a soothing voice... I love the way she walks, talks, laughs... The way she twitches her right foot the moment she falls asleep... I love how right it always has felt to hold her in my arms... damn it now I'm crying again... do that a lot lately... There are so many great memories with her... more great than bad... more great than even semi bad... I just love her to death... any man who can meet a girl/woman even half as great as Becky... is blessed... I sometimes think shes the only good thing to come into my life besides Damien... Thats another thing... she is so great with him... I couldnt ask for a better partner in raising him... again, that is, if she returns... I really hope she does... I pray to God that she does... but if she doesnt... thats ok I guess... I'll just... try and put it out of my mind... I miss her though... You have no idea how much I do... I just really really miss her... well I hope she doesnt read any of this... I'll seem rather odd... I screwed up so much... I best go... God bless all...