reverence
The hours are getting longer as the time is getting shorter. do you get that? it keeps me from going to sleep sometimes - not that i sleep much at night anymore. i mostly toss and turn, wake up every hour on the hour and eventually pass out at around six in the morning and sleep through til ten or eleven, but anyway - i stay awake all those hours knowing the days drop off every time i wake up. it's comforting as well as intimidating. this is one way to actually be able to WATCH time passing.
So i've gotten used to the fact that i am growing a baby, finally. you all know, for the longest time, i couldn't believe it. the only thing real about it was the fact that i'd missed three periods and felt generally ill ALL THE TIME. i'm sure a lot of people will tell you different, but in my opinion, being pregnant sucks more than most things have ever sucked before. i just don't like it one bit. i resented the whole situation, in fact, until last week when i got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time and then, that's when it really sunk in. that this isn't just a horrible nine month period of feeling crappy and growing bigger by the minute, but i mean, in five months, I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
OH. MY. GOD.
Since all that is out of the way, now i am continually trying to get used to living with Mike. I've been trying to get used to it for months, but i mean now i am really trying to make an effort. it hasn't been easy. i mean it hasn't been easy with us at all. to put it simply, we just don't get along a lot of the time and it's hard to coexist happily with someone whom you don't know very well and have little in common with. but i am trying. we are trying. and little by very little, week by week, it's getting better. the biggest thing is learning how to comprimise, i think. and to give each other ample space and time to do our own things.
i've complained a lot about this relationship, i know i have. at this point i think it's the most important one i will ever have. i mean, i'm stuck with him, in some form or another, for the rest of my life whether i like it or not. most of the time i really like it, but sometimes not.
mike really doesn't like it when i talk to other people about our relationship, probably because it comes back to him all the time (ahem: alisha & kelli). he says 'but i don't talk about you and i to my friends..' and seems to take it quite like a personal attack against him. he says it's not fair that my friends only get to hear one side of the story, which is usually my complaints about us. i guess he doesn't believe that through everything, my best friends still know that i really really love him.
after one of our bigger fights a couple of weeks ago, i asked something to the effect of "why do you still want to be with me if we never get along and we're unhappy all the time?" and there came from him this dramatically long pause and then he asked me simply: "How do you know when you're in love?" and i simply had no answer for him. no one has ever asked me that before. it's one of those profound things i've never got to really thinking about. so i just shot that question right back at him and he said: "I know i'm in love when it's just not fun anymore. When the girl i am with bitches and whines ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and can never be satisfied and always says she's unhappy, and when i wake up next to her every morning and i look at her and i just want to strangle her, but i don't." So maybe that's not the kind of thing that any normal girl might find endearing for her boyfriend to say, but after he said it i felt better than i had in months. Strange to think about things that way though. I don't strangle you in the morning when i wake up, so therefore i love you. It's kind of funny when you think about it. I think if he ever asked me that again, if he asked: how do you know you're in love? I'd tell him: because i'm here. Still.
So i've gotten used to the fact that i am growing a baby, finally. you all know, for the longest time, i couldn't believe it. the only thing real about it was the fact that i'd missed three periods and felt generally ill ALL THE TIME. i'm sure a lot of people will tell you different, but in my opinion, being pregnant sucks more than most things have ever sucked before. i just don't like it one bit. i resented the whole situation, in fact, until last week when i got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time and then, that's when it really sunk in. that this isn't just a horrible nine month period of feeling crappy and growing bigger by the minute, but i mean, in five months, I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
OH. MY. GOD.
Since all that is out of the way, now i am continually trying to get used to living with Mike. I've been trying to get used to it for months, but i mean now i am really trying to make an effort. it hasn't been easy. i mean it hasn't been easy with us at all. to put it simply, we just don't get along a lot of the time and it's hard to coexist happily with someone whom you don't know very well and have little in common with. but i am trying. we are trying. and little by very little, week by week, it's getting better. the biggest thing is learning how to comprimise, i think. and to give each other ample space and time to do our own things.
i've complained a lot about this relationship, i know i have. at this point i think it's the most important one i will ever have. i mean, i'm stuck with him, in some form or another, for the rest of my life whether i like it or not. most of the time i really like it, but sometimes not.
mike really doesn't like it when i talk to other people about our relationship, probably because it comes back to him all the time (ahem: alisha & kelli). he says 'but i don't talk about you and i to my friends..' and seems to take it quite like a personal attack against him. he says it's not fair that my friends only get to hear one side of the story, which is usually my complaints about us. i guess he doesn't believe that through everything, my best friends still know that i really really love him.
after one of our bigger fights a couple of weeks ago, i asked something to the effect of "why do you still want to be with me if we never get along and we're unhappy all the time?" and there came from him this dramatically long pause and then he asked me simply: "How do you know when you're in love?" and i simply had no answer for him. no one has ever asked me that before. it's one of those profound things i've never got to really thinking about. so i just shot that question right back at him and he said: "I know i'm in love when it's just not fun anymore. When the girl i am with bitches and whines ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and can never be satisfied and always says she's unhappy, and when i wake up next to her every morning and i look at her and i just want to strangle her, but i don't." So maybe that's not the kind of thing that any normal girl might find endearing for her boyfriend to say, but after he said it i felt better than i had in months. Strange to think about things that way though. I don't strangle you in the morning when i wake up, so therefore i love you. It's kind of funny when you think about it. I think if he ever asked me that again, if he asked: how do you know you're in love? I'd tell him: because i'm here. Still.