I dont know why I still care
I don't know why, but recently I started thinking about 3 women I used to call friends. Call it an emotional brain fart or whatever but for some damn reason I got thinking about all three and why we no longer talk and all the pain and anger I felt about that. I loved all three and for some damn painful reason I still care. Why else would I still feel the way I do and why would I still hope the best for them if I didn't care.
It might have something to do with the fact that all three talked shit behind my back instead of to me, or that they made me feel like a horrible monster of a friend, or that they never once gave me a logical reason for their hurtful behavior in the end.
I tried to be the best friend I could be, even when I was going through my own shit, granted it might not have been as bad as theirs all the time but to me it was bad. I helped clean houses,talk for hours at a time about their problems, go out with them when they needed a girlfriend, go to a doctor's appt, watch a child, Help in a delivery room, let them cry on my shoulder, let them vent, etc. I tried to be supportive and tried to be honest. Granted I may not have liked every idea or agreed to every decision, but a true friend does that. At least that's what I thought a true friend does. They said they were there for me as friends and said I could come to them with anything. I thought that was what we would all do for each other.But in the end it came down to who was right and who was wrong. These women say that I tore their lives apart. How? By having an argument here or there. For not always agreeing to every choice they made? They make me out to be this monster of a friend to everyone new they meet and even try to convince people I know that I am a horrible person. They have blasted me behind my back and on the internet, and never once admitted that they had a hand in our fallouts. Like I just came in one day and flipped out and screamed at them that I did not want to be friends anymore. I am not that melodramatic. Hell at that time I was so passive it was pathetic.
I know I should just let it all go, it's done and over with, but I can't and I figured out why. Because I never got to have a say in all of this drama, one women just pushed me till I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, another just bailed out entirely just to turn around and talk shit and that's how I found out we even had a problem, and the last, just hurt me so many times with her judgments that I tried to tell her she was being way too aggressive and she blew up and we haven't talked since really.
I was pissed as all hell now I am just irritated that I never stood up and said anything. I just dropped it all because i didn't want to fight. My self- esteem was down so low that I didn't have it in me to fight any more. Now I am healthier and stronger and It's bugging me. I want to tell them that I was a damn good friend to them, and that I listened well to them. And yeah you bet i didn't always agree with them. But I thought they wanted a true friend not someone who would just agree with everything they said and someone to just kiss their butts all day. To have you three talk about me the way you did was beyond hurtful. I never treated you like you were second class citizens. I was one of many who were telling you that you were worth a damn after others had torn you down. To be portrayed as a tyrant and a heartless bitch is bullshit and you know it. I defended you when others called you names, told others to cut you slack when others didn't understand that you were stressed out due to a rigorous school load combined with working at a group home or School combined with family life, or extreme pain and the duties of being a mom and a wife. I tried to do my best to help you, because I loved you and I believed in you and you were my friends. Better than that you were like family.
And then I get to hear from others later down the road all the things you never had the courage to say to my face and how hurtful they were. It hurt so much to realize that when I was still watching your daughter, or listening to your plights or hanging out with you when your boyfriend was out of town, you were feeling this way and talking bad about me behind my back while smiling at my face. I have never had the chance to tell you how angry I was inside at hearing all this. I listened as you all bitched about how you hated people like that. Why? You didn't seem to have a problem badmouthing me. You know what the funny thing was? I was still defending you all at the time i started hearing all this. Trust me I felt pretty stupid at that point.
To this day I still do not understand why you three felt you could not tell me that I was a shitty friend to you, you never had a problem telling anyone else off. You had no problem telling me how great I was, how special to you I was, how much I helped you, and all that. Were they lies? was our whole "friendship" a lie? Did you feel sorry for me was that it? I dont understand how you three could tell me one thing and then make me sound so horrible to others. You would tell others I was a liar and that you didnt trust me and than ask me for a favor a week later. I do not get that. You tell others that I made you feel weak, and small and that I criticized you all the time or that I forgot your birthday and tried to put your job in jepordy, and yet you would see me and be all nice.I did't go blabbing all over town how awful you were to me, and I did not go blabbing all your secrets all over town like you seem to think I did. You three have no idea how much I had to go through in the aftermath of all this. You wanted me to suffer well guess what I will give you the satisfaction of knowing I did. I did suffer, I cried and raged. I let it eat me up. And then I had some great people help me pick up the pieces, and I got better. I had been beating myself up thinking that what you thought of me should matter and that the lies told were truth. Then I came to grips, that I had tried my best and my best was not good enough. That just means that I was not what you three needed. That happens at times. You learn from it and you move on. And for the most part I had all the steps down except this one. I never got to say how I felt on the matter. I was pretty angry and did not know how to express how I felt without just raging so it has taken me quite some time to get it understandable.
But in all honesty I want to thank you three, If i hadn't gone through the pain I did with all this I wouldn't have had the anger and desire to never let this happen to me again. I have better relationships with my friends and even my family. I realized I was a doormat and that I didn't want to be that anymore. I am starting to be an even better me, and i realized through some really great friends and my sister, that I always was a great person, I just put too much faith in what others thought of me and let it rule my life.
I wish you three the best, I know that its not going to feel like I am because of this rant if you read it, And yes I understand that this is the past for you but it was never resolved for me. I never got a chance to tell you how all this made me feel. I can finally close this chapter for me and move on.
It might have something to do with the fact that all three talked shit behind my back instead of to me, or that they made me feel like a horrible monster of a friend, or that they never once gave me a logical reason for their hurtful behavior in the end.
I tried to be the best friend I could be, even when I was going through my own shit, granted it might not have been as bad as theirs all the time but to me it was bad. I helped clean houses,talk for hours at a time about their problems, go out with them when they needed a girlfriend, go to a doctor's appt, watch a child, Help in a delivery room, let them cry on my shoulder, let them vent, etc. I tried to be supportive and tried to be honest. Granted I may not have liked every idea or agreed to every decision, but a true friend does that. At least that's what I thought a true friend does. They said they were there for me as friends and said I could come to them with anything. I thought that was what we would all do for each other.But in the end it came down to who was right and who was wrong. These women say that I tore their lives apart. How? By having an argument here or there. For not always agreeing to every choice they made? They make me out to be this monster of a friend to everyone new they meet and even try to convince people I know that I am a horrible person. They have blasted me behind my back and on the internet, and never once admitted that they had a hand in our fallouts. Like I just came in one day and flipped out and screamed at them that I did not want to be friends anymore. I am not that melodramatic. Hell at that time I was so passive it was pathetic.
I know I should just let it all go, it's done and over with, but I can't and I figured out why. Because I never got to have a say in all of this drama, one women just pushed me till I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, another just bailed out entirely just to turn around and talk shit and that's how I found out we even had a problem, and the last, just hurt me so many times with her judgments that I tried to tell her she was being way too aggressive and she blew up and we haven't talked since really.
I was pissed as all hell now I am just irritated that I never stood up and said anything. I just dropped it all because i didn't want to fight. My self- esteem was down so low that I didn't have it in me to fight any more. Now I am healthier and stronger and It's bugging me. I want to tell them that I was a damn good friend to them, and that I listened well to them. And yeah you bet i didn't always agree with them. But I thought they wanted a true friend not someone who would just agree with everything they said and someone to just kiss their butts all day. To have you three talk about me the way you did was beyond hurtful. I never treated you like you were second class citizens. I was one of many who were telling you that you were worth a damn after others had torn you down. To be portrayed as a tyrant and a heartless bitch is bullshit and you know it. I defended you when others called you names, told others to cut you slack when others didn't understand that you were stressed out due to a rigorous school load combined with working at a group home or School combined with family life, or extreme pain and the duties of being a mom and a wife. I tried to do my best to help you, because I loved you and I believed in you and you were my friends. Better than that you were like family.
And then I get to hear from others later down the road all the things you never had the courage to say to my face and how hurtful they were. It hurt so much to realize that when I was still watching your daughter, or listening to your plights or hanging out with you when your boyfriend was out of town, you were feeling this way and talking bad about me behind my back while smiling at my face. I have never had the chance to tell you how angry I was inside at hearing all this. I listened as you all bitched about how you hated people like that. Why? You didn't seem to have a problem badmouthing me. You know what the funny thing was? I was still defending you all at the time i started hearing all this. Trust me I felt pretty stupid at that point.
To this day I still do not understand why you three felt you could not tell me that I was a shitty friend to you, you never had a problem telling anyone else off. You had no problem telling me how great I was, how special to you I was, how much I helped you, and all that. Were they lies? was our whole "friendship" a lie? Did you feel sorry for me was that it? I dont understand how you three could tell me one thing and then make me sound so horrible to others. You would tell others I was a liar and that you didnt trust me and than ask me for a favor a week later. I do not get that. You tell others that I made you feel weak, and small and that I criticized you all the time or that I forgot your birthday and tried to put your job in jepordy, and yet you would see me and be all nice.I did't go blabbing all over town how awful you were to me, and I did not go blabbing all your secrets all over town like you seem to think I did. You three have no idea how much I had to go through in the aftermath of all this. You wanted me to suffer well guess what I will give you the satisfaction of knowing I did. I did suffer, I cried and raged. I let it eat me up. And then I had some great people help me pick up the pieces, and I got better. I had been beating myself up thinking that what you thought of me should matter and that the lies told were truth. Then I came to grips, that I had tried my best and my best was not good enough. That just means that I was not what you three needed. That happens at times. You learn from it and you move on. And for the most part I had all the steps down except this one. I never got to say how I felt on the matter. I was pretty angry and did not know how to express how I felt without just raging so it has taken me quite some time to get it understandable.
But in all honesty I want to thank you three, If i hadn't gone through the pain I did with all this I wouldn't have had the anger and desire to never let this happen to me again. I have better relationships with my friends and even my family. I realized I was a doormat and that I didn't want to be that anymore. I am starting to be an even better me, and i realized through some really great friends and my sister, that I always was a great person, I just put too much faith in what others thought of me and let it rule my life.
I wish you three the best, I know that its not going to feel like I am because of this rant if you read it, And yes I understand that this is the past for you but it was never resolved for me. I never got a chance to tell you how all this made me feel. I can finally close this chapter for me and move on.