Baby I'm gonna be a star
I feel like I am already falling back into my old bad habits. I need to break out of this and I need to break out of this now.
I suppose writing here is just fueling the fact that I am procrastinating, but I tend not to look at it like that since I am using this as an outlet right now to just get out how things are and how I am feeling.
I know that this year is pretty much do or die. I need to be on top of myself, I need to be focused, and I need to get the work done. But the worst part is that I have such a hard time sitting down and just doing it. My mind floats elsewhere, more than usual. I reckon that it's more or less due to the threatening fact that I have numerous applications waving in my face, with unknown answers and unknown outcomes.
Risk taking. Sometimes, you have to put yourself out there. If you do? You're subject to accomplishing, but also subject for rejection. You don't? You're subject to regret down the road (possibly). If I don't take this risk, who knows where I'll be...probably in the same position, maybe worse. I have something to lose, but I rather lose it knowing that I went out there, and I put myself out there and it was me - completely raw.
But this risk taking will not be worth it if I don't put everything I have into what is going on now. So these stacks of paper that are sitting beside me, need to get done. They need to be read, they need to be absorbed, and I need to write my a) response to the reading or b) the questions to submit to the class. I need to organize my time and I suppose that is why I have my agenda. For Monday I have reading responses of two kinds that need to be completed. Wednesday I have two assignments due. Which means I have a lot on my plate and I need to do it.
I don't work to my potential. I don't deny this fact. I waste my time, more often than not. This needs to change, it is not acceptable. I realize that tonight, I'll probably get nothing accomplished. I will have to suffer the consequences of that knowing that tomorrow morning I have to wake up and go to synagogue, and go to a lunch afterwards. But I am the one who puts myself in that position, no one else.
This post is a promise to myself that I'm done with being last minute and disorganized. This has worked for me always in the past, but I think I'm tired of school impacting other aspects of my life that aren't directly correlated. As much as I am someone who can talk at length about anything, I'm incapable to talk to real live people (majority of the time) about my problems. I look at things like so: "It's my problem, it's my job to deal with it. Why should I include others?".
Well the very obvious answer to that question is that by having the aid of others, I could work out my problems. But then I tell myself that I don't want people to get involved incase they get involved emotionally and invest themselves into helping me. Certainly this isn't the right way to look at it, because anyone who does get involved would have to be someone who cares. I've just been so...independent? Why can't I say everything that I've written in this blog post to someone face to face? What is it that I fear? I don't even know the answer to that.
I need to grow up and be mature about this stuff. I need to take responsibility. I need to be strong. This is grown up stuff, I mean it may not be right at this second but this is something that is going to affect me more as a grown up. I need to do this stuff, even though some of it doesn't stimulate me entirely, I have to do it because I am required to. It's not possible to like everything I read, but I need to keep in mind what is at stake.
I'm still young. I can have still whatever I want at this point, providing I work hard, and make what I believe in my heart, the right decisions for myself. Whether the decisions lead me to success or failure.
I suppose writing here is just fueling the fact that I am procrastinating, but I tend not to look at it like that since I am using this as an outlet right now to just get out how things are and how I am feeling.
I know that this year is pretty much do or die. I need to be on top of myself, I need to be focused, and I need to get the work done. But the worst part is that I have such a hard time sitting down and just doing it. My mind floats elsewhere, more than usual. I reckon that it's more or less due to the threatening fact that I have numerous applications waving in my face, with unknown answers and unknown outcomes.
Risk taking. Sometimes, you have to put yourself out there. If you do? You're subject to accomplishing, but also subject for rejection. You don't? You're subject to regret down the road (possibly). If I don't take this risk, who knows where I'll be...probably in the same position, maybe worse. I have something to lose, but I rather lose it knowing that I went out there, and I put myself out there and it was me - completely raw.
But this risk taking will not be worth it if I don't put everything I have into what is going on now. So these stacks of paper that are sitting beside me, need to get done. They need to be read, they need to be absorbed, and I need to write my a) response to the reading or b) the questions to submit to the class. I need to organize my time and I suppose that is why I have my agenda. For Monday I have reading responses of two kinds that need to be completed. Wednesday I have two assignments due. Which means I have a lot on my plate and I need to do it.
I don't work to my potential. I don't deny this fact. I waste my time, more often than not. This needs to change, it is not acceptable. I realize that tonight, I'll probably get nothing accomplished. I will have to suffer the consequences of that knowing that tomorrow morning I have to wake up and go to synagogue, and go to a lunch afterwards. But I am the one who puts myself in that position, no one else.
This post is a promise to myself that I'm done with being last minute and disorganized. This has worked for me always in the past, but I think I'm tired of school impacting other aspects of my life that aren't directly correlated. As much as I am someone who can talk at length about anything, I'm incapable to talk to real live people (majority of the time) about my problems. I look at things like so: "It's my problem, it's my job to deal with it. Why should I include others?".
Well the very obvious answer to that question is that by having the aid of others, I could work out my problems. But then I tell myself that I don't want people to get involved incase they get involved emotionally and invest themselves into helping me. Certainly this isn't the right way to look at it, because anyone who does get involved would have to be someone who cares. I've just been so...independent? Why can't I say everything that I've written in this blog post to someone face to face? What is it that I fear? I don't even know the answer to that.
I need to grow up and be mature about this stuff. I need to take responsibility. I need to be strong. This is grown up stuff, I mean it may not be right at this second but this is something that is going to affect me more as a grown up. I need to do this stuff, even though some of it doesn't stimulate me entirely, I have to do it because I am required to. It's not possible to like everything I read, but I need to keep in mind what is at stake.
I'm still young. I can have still whatever I want at this point, providing I work hard, and make what I believe in my heart, the right decisions for myself. Whether the decisions lead me to success or failure.