My hero
Hmm... I was thinking again today. It's not a rare occassion that this conversation comes up:
Kate: Oh Doyel, you're my hero!
Doyel: How am I your hero?
Well, I've given a few little reasons why, but I figured I'd dedicate this entry to answering that question.
First off, let me remind everyone that a hero isn't someone perfect and mighty... It's simply someone who saves you. In this case, Doyel saves me from myself, which is probably the worst thing to lose yourself to. On occassions, he even saves society from me.
Sometimes I get tensed up and afraid. I've hated myself so much that I wished I was dead. I've been so annoyed with life that I welcomed death openly and freely. Sometimes I liked to think that I have no purpose in life. I was ugly, stupid and fat... What could I possibly do? I had no real interests. I don't excell in any important classes. I'm not attractive or intelligent.
I get torn between emotions. I'm happy in one aspect, but sad in another. Delighted and annoyed, comfortable and uncomfortable, passionate and spiteful... I showed the world this happy face, the face I wanted to be. But underneath it there was always some underlayer of spite. I loved and hated all too much. One moment I could kiss you and another I wanted to jack you in the face.
I was an extremely lucky person. I had no reason to be pissed off, but... I was. I had varying limits of my inner peace. One moment I would be happy-go-lucky and another I'd be low and depressed. I fell in and out of stoops and I was sick of carrying myself along. I didn't know who I could trust, who I could talk to, who I could love... I love several people. I love them all so much, but I always had some reason why I couldn't show my affection.
I'm affection shy. I'm passionate and love with all my heart, but there's that draw back... I want to touch and hug people, but I can't always do it. I can't always just put myself out there, on a plank, and leap into the water. There could be sharks circling down there.
Things are different now. My intuition is back; I've found some inner peace. I'm more balanced. I don't split between emotions as much anymore. I don't hate as strongly and I don't have those underlying emotions. I'm more like a fae now. Sometimes I just love people so much that I forget to hate. I smile more, I laugh more... I have a new bounce to my step--something I lost a few months back. I hug tighter and I hold longer. It's funny... Because people have actually taken notice in my change.
Maddy: Oh, Kate...
Kate: Hmm?
Maddy: It's just, you can tell you have a boyfriend. You're so happy.
But you know, it's not because I have a boyfriend... It's because I have a new person in my life. This person affects me so positively that there isn't room for the negative anymore. When I'm talking to him or with him, I don't think about my insecurities. And when I'm alone, I think of brighter things. I think of my friends, my family and him. I don't need to keep my past all bottled up anymore. I can tell him anything I want or need. I'm more open with people.
However, old habits die hard. Sometimes I just want to murder my family or people I know... But I talk to Doyel, and I just relax. He has possibly the most calming voice imaginable. He has this laugh, and I've told him this several times over, but I absolutely love his laugh. Everything about him is just so relaxed and cool... Usually, heh. I take the hype along with the calm.
It's nice, I suppose... To finally meet someone who understands me as well as I understand him. To be able to show your affection in more ways that one, to hug him forever and know that he cares... It's fun. I'm totally absorbed in him. And it's sweet... because for once I know that someone loves me no matter what. No matter what my attention span, my grades or appearance. It's helped me. It's made me more confident.
Sometimes I stare at my legs, scratched and scarred, and I think, "You know, they're really not that bad..." I don't feel fat and I don't feel ugly. I feel absolutely beautiful being the person I am. I've always felt so in a sense, but Doyel's made these kind of things more prominent in me. More noticeable. He brings out the best in me.
I guess that's what being a hero is really about. A shoulder to cry on, a chest to pound on... Someone I can lean against when I'm tired, someone to carry me along when I feel I can't walk any further. Doyel is all of those things, but even more, he's an amazing boyfriend. I can crawl into his arms and feel at peace. I can hold his hand and feel delighted. I can poke his belly and giggle, touch his cheeks and smile. I can kiss him and feel something inside me explode.
He may not be your typical hero... With bulging muscles, suavey hair and a spandex jumpsuit, but you know what? He's my hero and that's all that really matters.
Kate: Oh Doyel, you're my hero!
Doyel: How am I your hero?
Well, I've given a few little reasons why, but I figured I'd dedicate this entry to answering that question.
First off, let me remind everyone that a hero isn't someone perfect and mighty... It's simply someone who saves you. In this case, Doyel saves me from myself, which is probably the worst thing to lose yourself to. On occassions, he even saves society from me.
Sometimes I get tensed up and afraid. I've hated myself so much that I wished I was dead. I've been so annoyed with life that I welcomed death openly and freely. Sometimes I liked to think that I have no purpose in life. I was ugly, stupid and fat... What could I possibly do? I had no real interests. I don't excell in any important classes. I'm not attractive or intelligent.
I get torn between emotions. I'm happy in one aspect, but sad in another. Delighted and annoyed, comfortable and uncomfortable, passionate and spiteful... I showed the world this happy face, the face I wanted to be. But underneath it there was always some underlayer of spite. I loved and hated all too much. One moment I could kiss you and another I wanted to jack you in the face.
I was an extremely lucky person. I had no reason to be pissed off, but... I was. I had varying limits of my inner peace. One moment I would be happy-go-lucky and another I'd be low and depressed. I fell in and out of stoops and I was sick of carrying myself along. I didn't know who I could trust, who I could talk to, who I could love... I love several people. I love them all so much, but I always had some reason why I couldn't show my affection.
I'm affection shy. I'm passionate and love with all my heart, but there's that draw back... I want to touch and hug people, but I can't always do it. I can't always just put myself out there, on a plank, and leap into the water. There could be sharks circling down there.
Things are different now. My intuition is back; I've found some inner peace. I'm more balanced. I don't split between emotions as much anymore. I don't hate as strongly and I don't have those underlying emotions. I'm more like a fae now. Sometimes I just love people so much that I forget to hate. I smile more, I laugh more... I have a new bounce to my step--something I lost a few months back. I hug tighter and I hold longer. It's funny... Because people have actually taken notice in my change.
Maddy: Oh, Kate...
Kate: Hmm?
Maddy: It's just, you can tell you have a boyfriend. You're so happy.
But you know, it's not because I have a boyfriend... It's because I have a new person in my life. This person affects me so positively that there isn't room for the negative anymore. When I'm talking to him or with him, I don't think about my insecurities. And when I'm alone, I think of brighter things. I think of my friends, my family and him. I don't need to keep my past all bottled up anymore. I can tell him anything I want or need. I'm more open with people.
However, old habits die hard. Sometimes I just want to murder my family or people I know... But I talk to Doyel, and I just relax. He has possibly the most calming voice imaginable. He has this laugh, and I've told him this several times over, but I absolutely love his laugh. Everything about him is just so relaxed and cool... Usually, heh. I take the hype along with the calm.
It's nice, I suppose... To finally meet someone who understands me as well as I understand him. To be able to show your affection in more ways that one, to hug him forever and know that he cares... It's fun. I'm totally absorbed in him. And it's sweet... because for once I know that someone loves me no matter what. No matter what my attention span, my grades or appearance. It's helped me. It's made me more confident.
Sometimes I stare at my legs, scratched and scarred, and I think, "You know, they're really not that bad..." I don't feel fat and I don't feel ugly. I feel absolutely beautiful being the person I am. I've always felt so in a sense, but Doyel's made these kind of things more prominent in me. More noticeable. He brings out the best in me.
I guess that's what being a hero is really about. A shoulder to cry on, a chest to pound on... Someone I can lean against when I'm tired, someone to carry me along when I feel I can't walk any further. Doyel is all of those things, but even more, he's an amazing boyfriend. I can crawl into his arms and feel at peace. I can hold his hand and feel delighted. I can poke his belly and giggle, touch his cheeks and smile. I can kiss him and feel something inside me explode.
He may not be your typical hero... With bulging muscles, suavey hair and a spandex jumpsuit, but you know what? He's my hero and that's all that really matters.