whats going on
so i haven't written in a long time but i'm writing now. It's 6:06am and I'm still awake. Just can't sleep. I feel driven. Sometimes this happens to me where I get in a mood where its like I have to do something worthwhile. So I drew up a possible tattoo and looked at a bunch of stuff online. Now I decided I should update this thing once and for all. It was funday monday today and tomorrow is lazy tuesday so I can stay up late (or early).
So things in Florida are good. This feels like home now. I feel like I've "moved on" from Michigan. Anyway, I work at Chili's still, like I have for almost a year now. It's in Land O Lakes (where the butter comes from) and I live about a half hour south in Tampa. I make the drive every day but its okay because I am really respected at my job now that I've been there since opening and most others from opening have quit or been fired. I get the schedule I want and the money's good ehough for now. I pay my bills and I can afford some other things too so it works. I'm going to try to get trained on bar soon. Then I'll make a lot of money. Hopefully once summer comes and I have some time on my hands.
Speaking of summer comming, school is almost over for the summer and I have decided to take this summer off instead of going straight through till fall. I'll have to put off getting my associates until spring but whatever... i'm doing some searching around in my life... gotta figure out whats really going on. Its time to make some decisions and I'm glad I'm in a comfortable lifestyle where I can make those decisions free from outside pressure. or as free as a 20 year old can really get from outside pressure... anyway... school. It's going fair. It's like a survey where you can rate very poor, poor, fair, good, or excellent. It's "fair"... good enough. I guess I'm just really waiting for it to be over with... for me to get my associates degree and be able to settle into a decent job and pursue my music career. I wish I would have decided to get started on music a long time ago so I could be a little further by now.
So yea, music. Lately it's become like an obvious sore thumb sticking out at me and I've been trying to listen to signs around me in my life. Everything has to do with music. I keep thinking that I need to choose a career and praying the answer will come to me and all I can think of that would make me truely happy is to make music, listen to music, and sing. I never feel the way I feel about music except when I'm in love. Thats pretty extreme. I love it. I just need to indulge myself more in what I love and less in what I feel I should be focusing on. Because I'm almost 21 years old. Its time I focus on what I want because at this point in my life I am realizing that this is MY life and no one elses. Its becomming more and more true that no one is effected by my life choices but me. It used to be that everyone else had a say and I had to listen to them or that I would dissappoint others with my choices, or just that my choices would have to fit into a predisposed lifestyle which revolved somewhat around other people... but now I'm alone... independent, rather... I'm starting to feel very much like a grown up. I feel like what "me" should feel like. I feel like I changed and morphed and I'm at a place where I feel like I'm really on track to finding myself and letting go of things I have always let define who I am. So music anyway... it was pushed at me... I met 3 people in the last few months who have approached me not knowing I sang, and somehow we got to talking that I sing and I want to do something with it. The first guy I never called. The second guy I'll call soon... The third and most recent guy was this really cool dj guy who produces... and whatever things happen as they may and I haven't talked to him in about a week and the way its looking I probably won't be talking to him any time in the future... but nonetheless He really talked to me about music and what I need to do and he talked to me about me and really listened and opened himself to me. It turns our he's probably a dick but the person I met and talked to for a week and hung out with really inspired me. He said he met me for a reason and "we'll find out what that reason is and hopefully its to make music and have a great friendship of other kind of relationship"... but if nothing else, even though it seems dissappointing compared to everything I felt while I was with him... he inspired me to take the next step and jump and hope I can jump high enough to make it. This is what I want to do... bad... So I'm looking at performing arts schools. If I'm going to do this I want to do it right so that I can make it big and know what I'm doing and how to make the right decisions and handle an excellent career. I hope to be very successful with this. It's my dream.
I've been looking into astrology a lot more lately... not just horoscopes and stuff but actually the mechanics of it. I'm really interested in it. I believe it... really n truely. There are barely any doubts in my mind that it isn't based on truth... I have been exploring my psychic abilities too and even though I haven't made much progress I've made some and its interesting to see the way your psychic abilities develop... like you have to teach yourself to do it. Its like a 6th sense really. I think its amazing how much coincidence I notice between peoples signs and their personalities... and between the feelings I get from my intuition that end up being right in the end. Thats all it is really is an art of listening to yourself... but its hard to listen with all this extra "noise".
So on the love front... what a redundant topic. Same as it has been my whole life excluding the time I spent with Jay. They come very very often, but they always go very very quickly as well. Either I don't even really give them a chance because I know they're just not going to be right for me at the begining or i quickly realize that we're better friends... or the hardest scenario of them all which is when I am intregued by them enough to form a crush and then they let me in a little but eventually decide for some reason not to talk to me anymore. I think I am too intense of a feeling person for people... whatever... who knows. Anyway... since I moved here its been no big deal the love life. When I first got here it was all about Jay. I needed to have Jay. I thought I'd move here and one of two things would happen. Either I had to get away from Jay long enough for him to realize he loved me or I had to get away from him so I could realize that I didn't love him... well... the latter happened. I don't love him like that anymore. I know now that I do love him very much but he isn't my soulmate. I liked Justin but I think thats because he was the first guy who seemed stable and into me since I moved here. Then Devin... a fling... Then the Canada guy... would have been cool if I lived in canada... but then I met that producer dj guy and I gotta tell you I felt somehting wierd. Not love... I only knew him for like 2 weeks... but I felt a strong connection and crazy deja vu about him, like something profound was going on. And when I think about him I get this wierd feeling... So far I'm just crediting it to the fact that he in a sense opened this window to me with music being a possibility. But honestly we did have one night where I stayed at his house, just as friends... it was kindof like a comfort night... like just a night to be able to let go with someone and feel safe and feel intimate and be affectionate. It felt sooooo good. There should be lots more O's on that so... because it really was just what I needed. It helped to take the edge off. I've been feeling so unaffectionate, so unemotional... and that is so unlike me. In order to be me I need to be feeling somehting important all the time... and allowing myself to be taken where my emotions go... and again linking back to music, I have to be feeling to write. He said that you need to be "depressed" to make beautiful music. He's right. So part of me hopes this is all just a big scheme and he sensed that I was feeling a little distant from my emotions so to trigger an emotional frenzy that would inevitably result in me writing beautiful music he had to pretend to really dissappoint me by taking away the possibility of me being able to continue a relationship of any kind business, personal, or otherwise with him. Having that night with him I felt so exposed... so vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable... I mean I could say that it sucks to get my heart pulled aroune like I do... and it does hurt, but I think part of me likes it kindof... or needs it would probably be a better way of saying it. If I was just happy, I'd have to create something to swirl my emotions around every once in a while. Thats what I always do in relationships. Once I'm happy and everything is running smoothly I get bored... or not bored, just unfulfilled. Emotional rides fulfill me. I don't ever like to go very long without switching my emotions or at least altering the extreme-ness level of them. I like to feel things at the extreme levels. I'm learning a lot about myself from this entry... good job me for deciding to write it. I know no one will read it because its entirely too long.
What else is there to talk about? I think I'm pulling an all nighter because I have a Dr Appt at one thirty and its already quarter after seven in the morning... if I sleep now I'll never want to wake up and once I do wake up I'll feel like shit. So I'm going to stay awake until after my appointment when I'll take a nap before I wake up to go to computer class where I have to so a group project with a partner. It'll be easy though and then I really think I'll pass out until monday morning for music class. God I just need to get done with this semester so I can get started with my pursuing of bigger goals. I feel like school is holding me back instead of pushing me forward lately.
I gotta get started on getting healthier again. I was doing good for a while but it seems like living a healthy lifestyle is much more borring. I swear I think that's my biggest fault in this world... that I'm so much more interested in the things that are extraordinary... i need things to be done differently in most aspects of my life.
But I really need something big to happen soon. I feel like it is comming. I've felt so not ready for change... like I was searching for a normal-ness in my life and I got it and now I'm starting to feel like what I needed to do is done and the next step is on its way... so I'm just trying to welcome the next step amd embrace it whatever it may be.
I realized lately that I don't ever talk to Grandma. It's hard for me to. It doesn't come naturally like if she were there and whenever I start, it just feels wierd or for some reason I get very easily destracted into thinking about or doing somehting else. I want that to change. I want to talk to her and keep my promise to her and to myself that after she died she'd still be here in any way possible. I think I'm okay with opening up a little. For a long time I think it just hurt too much. I think the last few years of my life just needed to be the way they were... fucked up and numb. I don't remember much, but then again nothing too good or too important really happened... I think that I just needed to kindof drift through those years without really looking around too much. I had to let my heart heal and my mind develop and figure out a lot of things. Now I feel like I've done that and I'm ready for round 2. Round one was I think what was the first major influential period of my life with all this intense stuff going on... it was almost overkill. I remember constantly thinking that if one more thing happened I didn't know what I would do or if I would be able to deal with it. Now I'm at a point where I'm practically searching or begging for some intensity... That guy gave me a little taste. Hopefully there's more where that came from.
My mom got engaged to a wonderful man named Stu. He is her age or maybe a year older. They're both cancers which I think probaly makes for a very very loving, caring relationship between them that probablay really allows them to care for each other and be sensitive to each others needs maybe even where they sometimes have difficulty caring for others... or I don't know... I think its a good match. Her ring is beautiful... I think she's really happy. I think she can finally "exhale"... which is what we've really all been waiting for.
I think that's about all there really is to write about. It's been a hell of an update. I needed to do it though because I felt like all my entries before this weren't really me anymore and I am adding a link to my livejournal into my aim profile and I want people to know whats going on with me now. What went on the last couple years since I'v ehad this journal was a big period of transition so a lot has changed. I'm a totally different person. I feel different after having written all of this down. I guess it was time too because I've tried to sit down and write it all out but I never really feel like it... I guess today I felt like it. Its now severn thirty am though. Thats crazy... what the hell, I'll do somehting I never so and pull an all nighter just for the hell of it.
So I'll keep updating and I'll probably write some songs or try to as well...
I'm so happy to have a livejournal. Whoever invented it gets my props.
ta-ta...
So things in Florida are good. This feels like home now. I feel like I've "moved on" from Michigan. Anyway, I work at Chili's still, like I have for almost a year now. It's in Land O Lakes (where the butter comes from) and I live about a half hour south in Tampa. I make the drive every day but its okay because I am really respected at my job now that I've been there since opening and most others from opening have quit or been fired. I get the schedule I want and the money's good ehough for now. I pay my bills and I can afford some other things too so it works. I'm going to try to get trained on bar soon. Then I'll make a lot of money. Hopefully once summer comes and I have some time on my hands.
Speaking of summer comming, school is almost over for the summer and I have decided to take this summer off instead of going straight through till fall. I'll have to put off getting my associates until spring but whatever... i'm doing some searching around in my life... gotta figure out whats really going on. Its time to make some decisions and I'm glad I'm in a comfortable lifestyle where I can make those decisions free from outside pressure. or as free as a 20 year old can really get from outside pressure... anyway... school. It's going fair. It's like a survey where you can rate very poor, poor, fair, good, or excellent. It's "fair"... good enough. I guess I'm just really waiting for it to be over with... for me to get my associates degree and be able to settle into a decent job and pursue my music career. I wish I would have decided to get started on music a long time ago so I could be a little further by now.
So yea, music. Lately it's become like an obvious sore thumb sticking out at me and I've been trying to listen to signs around me in my life. Everything has to do with music. I keep thinking that I need to choose a career and praying the answer will come to me and all I can think of that would make me truely happy is to make music, listen to music, and sing. I never feel the way I feel about music except when I'm in love. Thats pretty extreme. I love it. I just need to indulge myself more in what I love and less in what I feel I should be focusing on. Because I'm almost 21 years old. Its time I focus on what I want because at this point in my life I am realizing that this is MY life and no one elses. Its becomming more and more true that no one is effected by my life choices but me. It used to be that everyone else had a say and I had to listen to them or that I would dissappoint others with my choices, or just that my choices would have to fit into a predisposed lifestyle which revolved somewhat around other people... but now I'm alone... independent, rather... I'm starting to feel very much like a grown up. I feel like what "me" should feel like. I feel like I changed and morphed and I'm at a place where I feel like I'm really on track to finding myself and letting go of things I have always let define who I am. So music anyway... it was pushed at me... I met 3 people in the last few months who have approached me not knowing I sang, and somehow we got to talking that I sing and I want to do something with it. The first guy I never called. The second guy I'll call soon... The third and most recent guy was this really cool dj guy who produces... and whatever things happen as they may and I haven't talked to him in about a week and the way its looking I probably won't be talking to him any time in the future... but nonetheless He really talked to me about music and what I need to do and he talked to me about me and really listened and opened himself to me. It turns our he's probably a dick but the person I met and talked to for a week and hung out with really inspired me. He said he met me for a reason and "we'll find out what that reason is and hopefully its to make music and have a great friendship of other kind of relationship"... but if nothing else, even though it seems dissappointing compared to everything I felt while I was with him... he inspired me to take the next step and jump and hope I can jump high enough to make it. This is what I want to do... bad... So I'm looking at performing arts schools. If I'm going to do this I want to do it right so that I can make it big and know what I'm doing and how to make the right decisions and handle an excellent career. I hope to be very successful with this. It's my dream.
I've been looking into astrology a lot more lately... not just horoscopes and stuff but actually the mechanics of it. I'm really interested in it. I believe it... really n truely. There are barely any doubts in my mind that it isn't based on truth... I have been exploring my psychic abilities too and even though I haven't made much progress I've made some and its interesting to see the way your psychic abilities develop... like you have to teach yourself to do it. Its like a 6th sense really. I think its amazing how much coincidence I notice between peoples signs and their personalities... and between the feelings I get from my intuition that end up being right in the end. Thats all it is really is an art of listening to yourself... but its hard to listen with all this extra "noise".
So on the love front... what a redundant topic. Same as it has been my whole life excluding the time I spent with Jay. They come very very often, but they always go very very quickly as well. Either I don't even really give them a chance because I know they're just not going to be right for me at the begining or i quickly realize that we're better friends... or the hardest scenario of them all which is when I am intregued by them enough to form a crush and then they let me in a little but eventually decide for some reason not to talk to me anymore. I think I am too intense of a feeling person for people... whatever... who knows. Anyway... since I moved here its been no big deal the love life. When I first got here it was all about Jay. I needed to have Jay. I thought I'd move here and one of two things would happen. Either I had to get away from Jay long enough for him to realize he loved me or I had to get away from him so I could realize that I didn't love him... well... the latter happened. I don't love him like that anymore. I know now that I do love him very much but he isn't my soulmate. I liked Justin but I think thats because he was the first guy who seemed stable and into me since I moved here. Then Devin... a fling... Then the Canada guy... would have been cool if I lived in canada... but then I met that producer dj guy and I gotta tell you I felt somehting wierd. Not love... I only knew him for like 2 weeks... but I felt a strong connection and crazy deja vu about him, like something profound was going on. And when I think about him I get this wierd feeling... So far I'm just crediting it to the fact that he in a sense opened this window to me with music being a possibility. But honestly we did have one night where I stayed at his house, just as friends... it was kindof like a comfort night... like just a night to be able to let go with someone and feel safe and feel intimate and be affectionate. It felt sooooo good. There should be lots more O's on that so... because it really was just what I needed. It helped to take the edge off. I've been feeling so unaffectionate, so unemotional... and that is so unlike me. In order to be me I need to be feeling somehting important all the time... and allowing myself to be taken where my emotions go... and again linking back to music, I have to be feeling to write. He said that you need to be "depressed" to make beautiful music. He's right. So part of me hopes this is all just a big scheme and he sensed that I was feeling a little distant from my emotions so to trigger an emotional frenzy that would inevitably result in me writing beautiful music he had to pretend to really dissappoint me by taking away the possibility of me being able to continue a relationship of any kind business, personal, or otherwise with him. Having that night with him I felt so exposed... so vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable... I mean I could say that it sucks to get my heart pulled aroune like I do... and it does hurt, but I think part of me likes it kindof... or needs it would probably be a better way of saying it. If I was just happy, I'd have to create something to swirl my emotions around every once in a while. Thats what I always do in relationships. Once I'm happy and everything is running smoothly I get bored... or not bored, just unfulfilled. Emotional rides fulfill me. I don't ever like to go very long without switching my emotions or at least altering the extreme-ness level of them. I like to feel things at the extreme levels. I'm learning a lot about myself from this entry... good job me for deciding to write it. I know no one will read it because its entirely too long.
What else is there to talk about? I think I'm pulling an all nighter because I have a Dr Appt at one thirty and its already quarter after seven in the morning... if I sleep now I'll never want to wake up and once I do wake up I'll feel like shit. So I'm going to stay awake until after my appointment when I'll take a nap before I wake up to go to computer class where I have to so a group project with a partner. It'll be easy though and then I really think I'll pass out until monday morning for music class. God I just need to get done with this semester so I can get started with my pursuing of bigger goals. I feel like school is holding me back instead of pushing me forward lately.
I gotta get started on getting healthier again. I was doing good for a while but it seems like living a healthy lifestyle is much more borring. I swear I think that's my biggest fault in this world... that I'm so much more interested in the things that are extraordinary... i need things to be done differently in most aspects of my life.
But I really need something big to happen soon. I feel like it is comming. I've felt so not ready for change... like I was searching for a normal-ness in my life and I got it and now I'm starting to feel like what I needed to do is done and the next step is on its way... so I'm just trying to welcome the next step amd embrace it whatever it may be.
I realized lately that I don't ever talk to Grandma. It's hard for me to. It doesn't come naturally like if she were there and whenever I start, it just feels wierd or for some reason I get very easily destracted into thinking about or doing somehting else. I want that to change. I want to talk to her and keep my promise to her and to myself that after she died she'd still be here in any way possible. I think I'm okay with opening up a little. For a long time I think it just hurt too much. I think the last few years of my life just needed to be the way they were... fucked up and numb. I don't remember much, but then again nothing too good or too important really happened... I think that I just needed to kindof drift through those years without really looking around too much. I had to let my heart heal and my mind develop and figure out a lot of things. Now I feel like I've done that and I'm ready for round 2. Round one was I think what was the first major influential period of my life with all this intense stuff going on... it was almost overkill. I remember constantly thinking that if one more thing happened I didn't know what I would do or if I would be able to deal with it. Now I'm at a point where I'm practically searching or begging for some intensity... That guy gave me a little taste. Hopefully there's more where that came from.
My mom got engaged to a wonderful man named Stu. He is her age or maybe a year older. They're both cancers which I think probaly makes for a very very loving, caring relationship between them that probablay really allows them to care for each other and be sensitive to each others needs maybe even where they sometimes have difficulty caring for others... or I don't know... I think its a good match. Her ring is beautiful... I think she's really happy. I think she can finally "exhale"... which is what we've really all been waiting for.
I think that's about all there really is to write about. It's been a hell of an update. I needed to do it though because I felt like all my entries before this weren't really me anymore and I am adding a link to my livejournal into my aim profile and I want people to know whats going on with me now. What went on the last couple years since I'v ehad this journal was a big period of transition so a lot has changed. I'm a totally different person. I feel different after having written all of this down. I guess it was time too because I've tried to sit down and write it all out but I never really feel like it... I guess today I felt like it. Its now severn thirty am though. Thats crazy... what the hell, I'll do somehting I never so and pull an all nighter just for the hell of it.
So I'll keep updating and I'll probably write some songs or try to as well...
I'm so happy to have a livejournal. Whoever invented it gets my props.
ta-ta...