Long time posting
It was June of last year the last time I posted anything. My business is doing well and over all life has been going really well For me I've been seeing two Craniosacral therapists and have made tremendous improvements in my over all health. My back doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to and slowly we have increased my activity levels and my ability to exercise. I've got a long way to go before I feel back to 100 percent though. There are still a great many things I need to work through. The meth addiction is still here; however, not as bad as it used to be.
I have fewer and fewer triggers and temptations as I have removed myself from those "gay dating" and "gay social" apps that litter our virtual landscape like take out containers on the side of the road. I was thinking about it this past Thursday and Saturday someone that I used with popped up. My mind immediately erased any plans I had for Sunday and I went over to his place I surprised myself for not doing as much as I used to, so as far as improvements go, I guess that's something.
Why did I do it? The answer to that question is still unclear. I"m still holding on to it for some reason, maybe more than one reason. Clients ask me all the time, when I suggest that they let go of something, how do you let it go? I don't know how to let it go. I must first understand why I started it in the first place.
It was because I wanted to be included by someone I thought cared about me. It was a desperate attempt at not being lonely and the wanting to fit in somewhere. I wanted to fit in with someone who was emotionally abusive and spiritually cold. I guess it was my parents relationship all over again. Dad was a drunk and I'm a drug addict. I will get over this someday, I have faith in that.
So why am I still holding on to the wanting to do crystal meth? Because beating myself up is comforting. Actually feeling good is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I was feeling really good before the thoughts came and I was uncomfortable with feeling good and having everything going well. I can't quite figure out which part of me needs to be in pain and suffer at my own will, but there is a part of me that is still comfortable hurting myself and convincing the rest of me that It's okay. I can't let this go because it's comfortable and familiar and ...I don't know.
When I was in DC the only person I hurt when I did it was myself; I didn't have anyone in my life that I truly cared about and the one person I did care about was the one that offered me the drugs. Now I've gone and hurt the only man I've truly cared about in a long time. I broke up with him because I have a drug addiction, I broke up with him because I am a severely broken individual with too many psychological scars heaped upon me. Today I hurt him even more and I was not thinking about that when I went out last night.
I don't know what to say, what to think, I do'nt know how badly my brain has been damaged by the drugs, I have put Anthony through some real pain and I never thought of that. I've put myself through some real pain and as much as I'm making great progress in healing my past, I keep hurting myself.
I fought off the meth urges a few months ago, but this time...I don't know what happened. I knew I was thinking about it, but I ignored the awareness of it for some reason.
I thought David loved me. All I've ever wanted was to be loved. I never really felt loved by my father and my whole family never displayed much affection when I was growing up There is a rage inside of me that won't leave. Even now I do'nt have anyone to turn to and I do'nt feel that anyone would care. Most times I feel strong enough to keep everything contained, but...
THe pain won't even let me near it. I can't seem to find it, I can't see it and I can't feel my insides. Thee are pieces of me that I've been disconnected with for too many years. One day I'll get connect with those pieces, but right now it's a slow and patient process.
I have fewer and fewer triggers and temptations as I have removed myself from those "gay dating" and "gay social" apps that litter our virtual landscape like take out containers on the side of the road. I was thinking about it this past Thursday and Saturday someone that I used with popped up. My mind immediately erased any plans I had for Sunday and I went over to his place I surprised myself for not doing as much as I used to, so as far as improvements go, I guess that's something.
Why did I do it? The answer to that question is still unclear. I"m still holding on to it for some reason, maybe more than one reason. Clients ask me all the time, when I suggest that they let go of something, how do you let it go? I don't know how to let it go. I must first understand why I started it in the first place.
It was because I wanted to be included by someone I thought cared about me. It was a desperate attempt at not being lonely and the wanting to fit in somewhere. I wanted to fit in with someone who was emotionally abusive and spiritually cold. I guess it was my parents relationship all over again. Dad was a drunk and I'm a drug addict. I will get over this someday, I have faith in that.
So why am I still holding on to the wanting to do crystal meth? Because beating myself up is comforting. Actually feeling good is uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I was feeling really good before the thoughts came and I was uncomfortable with feeling good and having everything going well. I can't quite figure out which part of me needs to be in pain and suffer at my own will, but there is a part of me that is still comfortable hurting myself and convincing the rest of me that It's okay. I can't let this go because it's comfortable and familiar and ...I don't know.
When I was in DC the only person I hurt when I did it was myself; I didn't have anyone in my life that I truly cared about and the one person I did care about was the one that offered me the drugs. Now I've gone and hurt the only man I've truly cared about in a long time. I broke up with him because I have a drug addiction, I broke up with him because I am a severely broken individual with too many psychological scars heaped upon me. Today I hurt him even more and I was not thinking about that when I went out last night.
I don't know what to say, what to think, I do'nt know how badly my brain has been damaged by the drugs, I have put Anthony through some real pain and I never thought of that. I've put myself through some real pain and as much as I'm making great progress in healing my past, I keep hurting myself.
I fought off the meth urges a few months ago, but this time...I don't know what happened. I knew I was thinking about it, but I ignored the awareness of it for some reason.
I thought David loved me. All I've ever wanted was to be loved. I never really felt loved by my father and my whole family never displayed much affection when I was growing up There is a rage inside of me that won't leave. Even now I do'nt have anyone to turn to and I do'nt feel that anyone would care. Most times I feel strong enough to keep everything contained, but...
THe pain won't even let me near it. I can't seem to find it, I can't see it and I can't feel my insides. Thee are pieces of me that I've been disconnected with for too many years. One day I'll get connect with those pieces, but right now it's a slow and patient process.