be quiet and drive..
sitting here. everyone is at a party. im lonely here..in a weird mood, but still happy i didnt go. i didnt want to be there. he said he wanted me to, but i dont know. i dont like parties. not ones that arent at garys house. it was too far. i can think of a million reasons why i didnt want to be there. why im happy i didnt go. but why do i wish i was there? i know. i wish i was with brandon. but im sure the night would be a disappointment regardless. at least im learning to not expect much from him...rather, to not expect anything. because then- it will be no surprise when nothing happens. when there is nothing to smile about, but the sheer fact that there is air in my lungs. thats the only thing i can be happy about right now. hopefully tomorrows appointment can shed some light on new projections in my life. in a new turn. a new source of income and slight security. i dont want to be alone tonight =(. point blank.
money is not currently an issue anymore. yay. and i still have a hundred dollars from my dad. the wedding is coming up. brandon flat out told me no, he doesnt want to go. and not because of the days or anything (mind you he didnt even ask) but because he doesnt want to sit for an hour at a wedding. he doesnt want to go on a fucking trip with me to san diego because of a stupid wedding. bull shit. i played the spite card..but retracted for many reasons. not right. simply not right.
got worked on this afternoon. needed that. got quite a bit of good advice from schwab upon leaving. he is pointing me in the right direction. good thing someone can. but still..it sucks knwing the right direction, no matter how close to the path..is simply the WRONG direction. plain and simple. theres no avoiding it. no matter how much i try to convince myself im wrong. its not what i want. its what i want..but not the way i want it. therefore..it will never work out right. apathy. apathy is a bitch. and i am apathetic right now.
its gonna be a long night of deftones alone. deftones are amazing when you are with someone..and amazing alone..but it hits a completely different spot. not the spot i want right now. i want the other spot.
i wonder where time will take us...
money is not currently an issue anymore. yay. and i still have a hundred dollars from my dad. the wedding is coming up. brandon flat out told me no, he doesnt want to go. and not because of the days or anything (mind you he didnt even ask) but because he doesnt want to sit for an hour at a wedding. he doesnt want to go on a fucking trip with me to san diego because of a stupid wedding. bull shit. i played the spite card..but retracted for many reasons. not right. simply not right.
got worked on this afternoon. needed that. got quite a bit of good advice from schwab upon leaving. he is pointing me in the right direction. good thing someone can. but still..it sucks knwing the right direction, no matter how close to the path..is simply the WRONG direction. plain and simple. theres no avoiding it. no matter how much i try to convince myself im wrong. its not what i want. its what i want..but not the way i want it. therefore..it will never work out right. apathy. apathy is a bitch. and i am apathetic right now.
its gonna be a long night of deftones alone. deftones are amazing when you are with someone..and amazing alone..but it hits a completely different spot. not the spot i want right now. i want the other spot.
i wonder where time will take us...