(no subject)
Tonight is rough so far. I'm not sleeping, I can't, what if I die in my sleep? Then I never said goodbye. I'm thinking again, about the past. Who was I a year ago today? Not the same, but perhaps more myself? I think I might have actually been the same. I can't shut up lately. I'm clouding my insecurities by talking nonstop and being so wild and out there and it seems that the more hyper I am the more miserable I really am on the inside and I know people pick up on that. I think its time I just go face to face with all my shit and let it out. I need to talk to Abbe. In person. I need to have a really important discussion with her. I have so many things to say to everyone but if I type out all the words I'll get scared and I do want to go to sleep tonight so maybe if I don't think too much about it I'll be able to sleep. Even thinking about that is sending chills down my spine, though, so it's just not going to work out anyways. She's telling me not to be scared, and I'm happy for that, because it makes me feel wonderful even if just for a second. I think I can sum up some of my major thoughts tonight with a few of my favorite songs:
lately i've been wishing i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
but i guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
because that's all that you'll get
so you'll have to accept
you are here
then you're gone
i believe that lovers should be tied together
and thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that is the only way it can be
so i stand in the sun
and i breath with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
now you're laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
and danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summers
but autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
where she said she was going to
but you know that she's gone
because she left you a song
that you don't wanna sing
singing i believe that lovers should be chained together
and thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
and left there to burn
left there to burn
in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
but i still ended up becoming something other
that what i had planned to be
allright!
now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and laid entwined together on a bed of clover
and left there to sleep
left there to dream
of their happiness
Twilight campfighter
You build your fire into an open wound
You want us to feel better
On these darker trails
With light revealing holy grails
To hike through dangerous weather
You need twilight eyes
Sunspot solider, you come from another day
Accept no pay
You want us to feel better
All for longing causes
Racing minds and lengthy pauses
All who must soon shed their veils
And wipe their eyes
As we vegetate and wait around for brighter days
And can dance contented to the sound of money
Could I have seen a sight
Much greater than your twilight eyes
That penetrate your silent lives (lies)
Twilight campfighter
We do congratulate
It's not too late
To make us all feel better
Under darker skies
With your twilight eyes
Post office clerks put up signs saying position closed
And secretaries turn off typewriters and put on their coats
Janitors padlock the gates
For security guards to patrol
And bachelors phone up their friends for a drink
While the married ones turn on a chat show
And they’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
Gentlemen time please, you know we can’t serve anymore
Now the traffic lights change to stop, when there’s nothing to go
And by five o’clock everything’s dead
And every third car is a cab
And ignorant people sleep in their beds
Like the doped white mice in the college lab
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
Telephone exchanges click while there’s nobody there
The martians could land in the carpark and no one would care
Close-circuit cameras in department stores shoot the same video every day
And the stars of these films neither die nor get killed
Just survive constant action replay
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
Bill hoardings advertise products that nobody needs
While angry from manchester writes to complain about
All the repeats on t.v.
And computer terminals report some gains
On the values of copper and tin
While american businessmen snap up van goghs
For the price of a hospital wing
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
They’ll burn down the synagogues at six o’clock
And we’ll all go along like before
And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
All of that is referring to my thoughts about my past and the present too...
I don't care about hiding it anymore. I just need to open up to everyone. And no more drinking, it's getting just plain stupid. It's time to start actually living up to all the things I pretend I am.
-and on and on, from the moment i wake, to the moment i sleep, i'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me. i'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care-
lately i've been wishing i had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
but i guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
and try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
because that's all that you'll get
so you'll have to accept
you are here
then you're gone
i believe that lovers should be tied together
and thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that is the only way it can be
so i stand in the sun
and i breath with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
now you're laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
and danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summers
but autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
where she said she was going to
but you know that she's gone
because she left you a song
that you don't wanna sing
singing i believe that lovers should be chained together
and thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
and left there to burn
left there to burn
in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
but i still ended up becoming something other
that what i had planned to be
allright!
now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and laid entwined together on a bed of clover
and left there to sleep
left there to dream
of their happiness
Twilight campfighter
You build your fire into an open wound
You want us to feel better
On these darker trails
With light revealing holy grails
To hike through dangerous weather
You need twilight eyes
Sunspot solider, you come from another day
Accept no pay
You want us to feel better
All for longing causes
Racing minds and lengthy pauses
All who must soon shed their veils
And wipe their eyes
As we vegetate and wait around for brighter days
And can dance contented to the sound of money
Could I have seen a sight
Much greater than your twilight eyes
That penetrate your silent lives (lies)
Twilight campfighter
We do congratulate
It's not too late
To make us all feel better
Under darker skies
With your twilight eyes
Post office clerks put up signs saying position closed
And secretaries turn off typewriters and put on their coats
Janitors padlock the gates
For security guards to patrol
And bachelors phone up their friends for a drink
While the married ones turn on a chat show
And they’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
Gentlemen time please, you know we can’t serve anymore
Now the traffic lights change to stop, when there’s nothing to go
And by five o’clock everything’s dead
And every third car is a cab
And ignorant people sleep in their beds
Like the doped white mice in the college lab
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
Telephone exchanges click while there’s nobody there
The martians could land in the carpark and no one would care
Close-circuit cameras in department stores shoot the same video every day
And the stars of these films neither die nor get killed
Just survive constant action replay
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
Bill hoardings advertise products that nobody needs
While angry from manchester writes to complain about
All the repeats on t.v.
And computer terminals report some gains
On the values of copper and tin
While american businessmen snap up van goghs
For the price of a hospital wing
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
They’ll burn down the synagogues at six o’clock
And we’ll all go along like before
And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
All of that is referring to my thoughts about my past and the present too...
I don't care about hiding it anymore. I just need to open up to everyone. And no more drinking, it's getting just plain stupid. It's time to start actually living up to all the things I pretend I am.
-and on and on, from the moment i wake, to the moment i sleep, i'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me. i'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care-