of touches and memories
Why so difficult? I guess I need to get over this no-touchie-thing. >.> Somehow... Practise? That's what I'm trying now. In tiny tiny steps. I don't flinch when my mum hugs me and during the time I was living in London my little brother became allowed to touch me much more than before, he's even allowed to hug me sometimes.
It's not like I mean to be so difficult, I know it's all in my head. Most of my problems are in my head sadly. That's my reality. Yes some people try to tell me that some of the things in my head are my imagination. But it's not my imagination, it's my reality. That's different.
I talked with a grownup not too long ago. I told her a small part of my story. We talked about loneliness, how helpless children are, the every day fight against life and how important Sirius is, and Tuffi was, to me.
It's still weird talking about my life. It sounds to tragic, and it was such a long time I couldn't speak of it at all. And nowadays it feels like it makes my family and everyone close to me bad people... And even if I used to be incredibly bitter of their unhelpfulness I'm not really anymore. They had their own problems and reasons not to see my problems. And when they finally were open enough to maybe see something I hid it from them oh so very carefully. So it's not exactly their fault.
All right I still do blame some people for things they did/didn't do.... Like the kids in school for all that god damn bullying. What the hell is wrong with you guys? All right I know but I still think you're really fucked up and I'll never fucking forgive you!
And my teacher during this time... You fucking wimp. I won't forgive you either.
Oh nice getting that off my chest. *sheepish laugh*
Back to the touching!
I've realized that I do a lot more touching than I thought when I wasn't thinking about it too closely. I'm much more against other people touching me than me touching them, which is kind of unfair and all but that's just how it works for now... *shrugs*
I have this weird habit of poking people. >.> Preferably a careful little poke, but if I'm closer to them I like to poke them on the nose XD Like... Sirius and my sister gets a lot of pokes on the nose. >.> Or in the cheek. *laugh* I poke people in the cheek.
If people try to poke me I dodge. I'm very hypocritical.
All right I started to srite this entry 2 hours ago and have written a few sentences here and a few there... I'm just rambling and I've sort of forgotten what I was talking about so I'm just going to stop. *laugh*
It's not like I mean to be so difficult, I know it's all in my head. Most of my problems are in my head sadly. That's my reality. Yes some people try to tell me that some of the things in my head are my imagination. But it's not my imagination, it's my reality. That's different.
I talked with a grownup not too long ago. I told her a small part of my story. We talked about loneliness, how helpless children are, the every day fight against life and how important Sirius is, and Tuffi was, to me.
It's still weird talking about my life. It sounds to tragic, and it was such a long time I couldn't speak of it at all. And nowadays it feels like it makes my family and everyone close to me bad people... And even if I used to be incredibly bitter of their unhelpfulness I'm not really anymore. They had their own problems and reasons not to see my problems. And when they finally were open enough to maybe see something I hid it from them oh so very carefully. So it's not exactly their fault.
All right I still do blame some people for things they did/didn't do.... Like the kids in school for all that god damn bullying. What the hell is wrong with you guys? All right I know but I still think you're really fucked up and I'll never fucking forgive you!
And my teacher during this time... You fucking wimp. I won't forgive you either.
Oh nice getting that off my chest. *sheepish laugh*
Back to the touching!
I've realized that I do a lot more touching than I thought when I wasn't thinking about it too closely. I'm much more against other people touching me than me touching them, which is kind of unfair and all but that's just how it works for now... *shrugs*
I have this weird habit of poking people. >.> Preferably a careful little poke, but if I'm closer to them I like to poke them on the nose XD Like... Sirius and my sister gets a lot of pokes on the nose. >.> Or in the cheek. *laugh* I poke people in the cheek.
If people try to poke me I dodge. I'm very hypocritical.
All right I started to srite this entry 2 hours ago and have written a few sentences here and a few there... I'm just rambling and I've sort of forgotten what I was talking about so I'm just going to stop. *laugh*