of cracks in the facade
We have quite a few rats. We actually have a room that is dedicated only to cages and rat-things. I have four cages (it sounds more than it is *small smile* for example; in one of these cages I only have one very old guy who lives there alone now, another cage only has two occupants so yeah... four cages but actually not insanely many rats...).
Bella has two cages but she has more rats in them. Which means they get dirty faster. And she has females. And female cages get this really sharp smell if they're not clean (a boy cage that is not clean smells more like... manure? XD).
Bella is horrible at cleaning her cages. At times I'm not too good myself - letting it go a couple of days longer than I should. But Bella can let it go a couple of weeks longer than she should (and like I said; more rats in the cages!!!).
She's done that lately.
This makes the apartment smell. I don't feel it too much when I'm here (because obviously my nose is simply used to it) but when I've been out for a few hours and come back home I can really feel that smell of dirty girl-rat cages.
I think most people would get frustrated and annoyed at this.
When she moved in with me I told her that; sure, she can totally have pets - as long as she takes care of them!
I wonder if she forgot about that...
It has sort of been building up for me. She barely does any house chores at all (she might do something if I specifically ask her to do it, but I rarely do because... honestly? XD I'm too annoyed to *laugh*), she doesn't take care of her pets, and it's not like she's working a lot lately.
Mostly she just goes around at home - playing on her computer and complains about my money situation.
I'm at work practise four days a week, and every wednesday I have my extra dog (dogs at times). The days I'm working (that's all those five days a week) I try to at least do ONE chore at home. The days I'm free I try to do at least two.
I do these things even though I constantly feel dead tired these days with everything going on.
Notice that I didn't even mention me running to the hospital once a week - it happens that I have weeks where I'm there three times in that week.
And that it's practically always me cooking dinner.
I used to be the one buying pretty much all food. For a while now it was Bella who did that since I didn't have any money. The last few weeks we're going every other time (if I buy today, she buys tomorrow - and she gets super annoyed if I ask her to do it twice in a row (even though I've done that - but she didn't even notice because it's not like she's in the kitchen all that much; and it's truly pointless to try to convince her since I didn't exactly have any "proof" left and when she has decided to think one way there is NO way of changing her mind)).
But so some days it's like this; I get up and do my morning stuff (walk my dog, eat breakfast and takes my meds, makes my lunch box, shower and gets ready for work and stuff). Then I go to work. Then on the way home I need to stop and shop food. Then I come home - Bella sits on the couch and plays with her computer and asks if we should have dinner immediately. I take Sirius outside just quickly. I cook dinner. We eat dinner - often watching a film (if I'm too tired to watch - or feel like I can't afford the time/energy because of the household chorse I'll hve to do once I've finished eating she'll get kind of snippy about it (even though she tries to hide that)) - she has forgotten her manners (when it comes to me) and doesn't thank me for dinner (which is a stupid hangup I know but that just annoys me! I always thank her when she's actually made dinner. it's just common curtesy damnit!). Then I do dishes or something of the sort. I take Sirius for his second proper walk of the day (because yes; he gets one in the morning, but the thing is that when Bella is home when I'm at work I usually ask her when I get home if she has taken him outside. She usually says that yeah they went for a walk... but you know what? I don't believe her. Because he's always a little bit desperate when I get home and at times I've noted the angle I've put his lead in when I left and it's been untouched when I get home *sigh*). Then I'll probably clean a cage or something. Then I try to calm down (since by then I'm often so damn overtired that I'm practically manic) by doing nice and calm stuff. Then starts the struggle with sleep. And then there is a new day again.
I've sort of... done the chores and been hoping that Bella should pick up on the fact that I do these things and she doesn't... But she just keeps sitting with her phone or computer while I run around doing stuff. Even when I say things like "no I can't really watch a film now because then I won't be able to get my energy up later to do the dishes and clean the bathroom, and we really need [insert whatever] to be done so I was hoping I'd have some time and energy left for that after, but we'll see". She'll just give me this look like 'you're so boring' and says "okay" in a voice that tries to cover up any sullenness and that's that. No "can I help?" or "well I'll do [this] then!". She just sits down with her computer and... well yeah... sits there.
Before I sort of accepted that I did all chores. After all; she was working and I didn't. And the days she wasn't working she kind of needed to rest.
But these days she's truly working minimum hours. She chooses her own shifts and she's only working JUST as much as she absolutely has to to make do. That means she's sitting at home a lot.
And I'm working now (or well... sort of XD But it's as much work and I get paid so... yeah!). Sure I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet (I should get it any day now though) but I'm still there every day. Not a lot of hours yet (we're sort of building up my stamina) but I get tired so easily since my energy levels are horrible.
So it's harder for me to accept me doing everything at home.
Still; I don't want to really bring it up. Because I owe her. I really do (money mostly *small smile* I owe her a lot of money, but I really feel like I don't truly owe her much else). And I know she's really annoyed with me about the money situation since it's completely my own fault I got myself into it. Which means that if I will try to whine about any thing at all at the moment it will probably just escalate into her being nasty and nothing would change anyway - I would just feel horrible because she's always fighting dirty when she fights (picking at your flaws - even the ones that didn't have anything to do with the fight to begin with).
So I've just kept struggling - even though I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of a burn-out right now (I'm really upset that Lisa was sick yesterday so I didn't have my usual appointment - it would really help to talk to her right now (that's why you have talkpeople anyway right? *small smile*) which is one of the reasons why I'm ranting in there now instead...).
This tuesday I got a bit fed up though - coming home and smelling that stinky-cage-smell all over the apartment. So I took the smaller one of Bella's cages and started to clean it. I was dead tired already when I did it though. And the last few days have been so busy (and I sort of let some other things be more important and stuff) that I've only managed to work on it a little bit at a time. So I didn't actually finish the cage until yesterday.
Bella has been home that whole time (that's three days people! I don't count the tuesday because it was so late in the evening when I started the project) and she didn't do shit. I was cleaning her cage and she was just relaxing as usual every day. She helped a tiny bit yesterday with the finish of the cleaning when I asked her to. Then I was the one setting it up for rat living again and putting her rats back in there (they had obviously been sitting in another temporary cage during the cleaning).
Then I immediately moved on to her other cage today. That cage is huge and is kind of difficult to clean and it hasn't been cleaned in... a really long time. I don't even know how long but a seriously long time.
So I started cleaning it and once again Bella didn't lift a finger. But I finally broke down a little and started directing her; "could you do this?" "could you fix that?" "could you please take care of that?".
Then she asked me if we should go into town to buy our little brother's birthday present (Albin is turning 13 next sunday and we were gonna buy the death note manga for him) - we were planning on going to this kind of special, nice shop. I sort of... well I struggled a bit with my anxiousness and asked her if she didn't think we could order it instead? There had to be someplace that could deliver it in time right? Because I really wanted to finish that cage today since I also want to clean my own cages (I'll get back to this situation below, I'll just rant off the cage situation first so you'll get where I'm coming from and to with this *small smile*).
Because the thing is that her girls is right now sitting in a cage that I was about to move one group of my boys into. She has a couple of girls that chews up cages with plastic floors and almost all of our cages has that. Not the two she's actually using and then there is my cage that has a plastic floor but it's kind of harder plastic and there is steel bars beneath the plastic so even if they managed to chew through they wouldn't be able to escape. My cage like that has two levels and I've been using it as one big cage but since the pack that lived there shrank recently I figured I could move one of my other groups into half and get one less cage in the room to take up space. But since that's the only place we can really put girls while cleaning their cages I wanted both the girl cages clean before I cleaned up that half and put my boys into it (because it would feel pretty stupid to make it all nice and ready for them - let them move in - then take them out and use that cage for the girls - then have to clean it again before moving the boys back). I've been saying this to Bella (that the girl's cages needs to be clean so I can move the boys and clean their cage (and then move my group of two into THAT cage since it's bigger and then clean out THEIR cage and put it into storage haha)) but - obviously - she hasn't done shit. And I've told her this for like... almost three weeks. But yeah so nothing happened and I got fed up and started cleaning her damn cages - back to the situation above!
When I asked about buying the manga online she was skeptical about anyone getting it shipped in time but then she said that maybe it would be more fun to go next week anyway - so Em could come along to that store too (because Bella is actually nice - even though I tend to complain about her *smiles slightly*).
A little bit later we once again slipped into cage cleaning (I don't remember how) and I sort of actually showed a bit of my annoyance with the whole thing. I went off just a tiny bit about how I really wanted the damn cage done today so I could clean one of my own cages tomorrow and would she please take over the cage cleaning for a while today so I didn't have to think about it all the time and so on.
I managed to stop myself before things got bad or anything (I could see the look on her face *grimace*) but she sullenly said that yeah sure. And she's been cleaning for a bit.
I really don't like that I showed that annoyance. I wanted to be strong enough to be able to keep things up until she moves. Things are already kind of fragile between us lately - I don't want to make anything worse; escpecially when it truly won't change anything for the better.
I have to watch myself more closely so I won't slip again. I'll just... vent some to Lisa on friday and put poor Em through my rants when she's here and stuff... *wrinkles nose*
Bella went to bed while I was writing this. The cage is far from done.
So yes; I'm very frustrated and annoyed about that. Sure she needs to sleep but it's not like she worked all that hard on the cleaning today - she took her sweet time and did other stuff in between.
*takes cleansing breath*
Okay... I think I've ranted enough.
I hope I got it out of my system a little.
Bella has two cages but she has more rats in them. Which means they get dirty faster. And she has females. And female cages get this really sharp smell if they're not clean (a boy cage that is not clean smells more like... manure? XD).
Bella is horrible at cleaning her cages. At times I'm not too good myself - letting it go a couple of days longer than I should. But Bella can let it go a couple of weeks longer than she should (and like I said; more rats in the cages!!!).
She's done that lately.
This makes the apartment smell. I don't feel it too much when I'm here (because obviously my nose is simply used to it) but when I've been out for a few hours and come back home I can really feel that smell of dirty girl-rat cages.
I think most people would get frustrated and annoyed at this.
When she moved in with me I told her that; sure, she can totally have pets - as long as she takes care of them!
I wonder if she forgot about that...
It has sort of been building up for me. She barely does any house chores at all (she might do something if I specifically ask her to do it, but I rarely do because... honestly? XD I'm too annoyed to *laugh*), she doesn't take care of her pets, and it's not like she's working a lot lately.
Mostly she just goes around at home - playing on her computer and complains about my money situation.
I'm at work practise four days a week, and every wednesday I have my extra dog (dogs at times). The days I'm working (that's all those five days a week) I try to at least do ONE chore at home. The days I'm free I try to do at least two.
I do these things even though I constantly feel dead tired these days with everything going on.
Notice that I didn't even mention me running to the hospital once a week - it happens that I have weeks where I'm there three times in that week.
And that it's practically always me cooking dinner.
I used to be the one buying pretty much all food. For a while now it was Bella who did that since I didn't have any money. The last few weeks we're going every other time (if I buy today, she buys tomorrow - and she gets super annoyed if I ask her to do it twice in a row (even though I've done that - but she didn't even notice because it's not like she's in the kitchen all that much; and it's truly pointless to try to convince her since I didn't exactly have any "proof" left and when she has decided to think one way there is NO way of changing her mind)).
But so some days it's like this; I get up and do my morning stuff (walk my dog, eat breakfast and takes my meds, makes my lunch box, shower and gets ready for work and stuff). Then I go to work. Then on the way home I need to stop and shop food. Then I come home - Bella sits on the couch and plays with her computer and asks if we should have dinner immediately. I take Sirius outside just quickly. I cook dinner. We eat dinner - often watching a film (if I'm too tired to watch - or feel like I can't afford the time/energy because of the household chorse I'll hve to do once I've finished eating she'll get kind of snippy about it (even though she tries to hide that)) - she has forgotten her manners (when it comes to me) and doesn't thank me for dinner (which is a stupid hangup I know but that just annoys me! I always thank her when she's actually made dinner. it's just common curtesy damnit!). Then I do dishes or something of the sort. I take Sirius for his second proper walk of the day (because yes; he gets one in the morning, but the thing is that when Bella is home when I'm at work I usually ask her when I get home if she has taken him outside. She usually says that yeah they went for a walk... but you know what? I don't believe her. Because he's always a little bit desperate when I get home and at times I've noted the angle I've put his lead in when I left and it's been untouched when I get home *sigh*). Then I'll probably clean a cage or something. Then I try to calm down (since by then I'm often so damn overtired that I'm practically manic) by doing nice and calm stuff. Then starts the struggle with sleep. And then there is a new day again.
I've sort of... done the chores and been hoping that Bella should pick up on the fact that I do these things and she doesn't... But she just keeps sitting with her phone or computer while I run around doing stuff. Even when I say things like "no I can't really watch a film now because then I won't be able to get my energy up later to do the dishes and clean the bathroom, and we really need [insert whatever] to be done so I was hoping I'd have some time and energy left for that after, but we'll see". She'll just give me this look like 'you're so boring' and says "okay" in a voice that tries to cover up any sullenness and that's that. No "can I help?" or "well I'll do [this] then!". She just sits down with her computer and... well yeah... sits there.
Before I sort of accepted that I did all chores. After all; she was working and I didn't. And the days she wasn't working she kind of needed to rest.
But these days she's truly working minimum hours. She chooses her own shifts and she's only working JUST as much as she absolutely has to to make do. That means she's sitting at home a lot.
And I'm working now (or well... sort of XD But it's as much work and I get paid so... yeah!). Sure I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet (I should get it any day now though) but I'm still there every day. Not a lot of hours yet (we're sort of building up my stamina) but I get tired so easily since my energy levels are horrible.
So it's harder for me to accept me doing everything at home.
Still; I don't want to really bring it up. Because I owe her. I really do (money mostly *small smile* I owe her a lot of money, but I really feel like I don't truly owe her much else). And I know she's really annoyed with me about the money situation since it's completely my own fault I got myself into it. Which means that if I will try to whine about any thing at all at the moment it will probably just escalate into her being nasty and nothing would change anyway - I would just feel horrible because she's always fighting dirty when she fights (picking at your flaws - even the ones that didn't have anything to do with the fight to begin with).
So I've just kept struggling - even though I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of a burn-out right now (I'm really upset that Lisa was sick yesterday so I didn't have my usual appointment - it would really help to talk to her right now (that's why you have talkpeople anyway right? *small smile*) which is one of the reasons why I'm ranting in there now instead...).
This tuesday I got a bit fed up though - coming home and smelling that stinky-cage-smell all over the apartment. So I took the smaller one of Bella's cages and started to clean it. I was dead tired already when I did it though. And the last few days have been so busy (and I sort of let some other things be more important and stuff) that I've only managed to work on it a little bit at a time. So I didn't actually finish the cage until yesterday.
Bella has been home that whole time (that's three days people! I don't count the tuesday because it was so late in the evening when I started the project) and she didn't do shit. I was cleaning her cage and she was just relaxing as usual every day. She helped a tiny bit yesterday with the finish of the cleaning when I asked her to. Then I was the one setting it up for rat living again and putting her rats back in there (they had obviously been sitting in another temporary cage during the cleaning).
Then I immediately moved on to her other cage today. That cage is huge and is kind of difficult to clean and it hasn't been cleaned in... a really long time. I don't even know how long but a seriously long time.
So I started cleaning it and once again Bella didn't lift a finger. But I finally broke down a little and started directing her; "could you do this?" "could you fix that?" "could you please take care of that?".
Then she asked me if we should go into town to buy our little brother's birthday present (Albin is turning 13 next sunday and we were gonna buy the death note manga for him) - we were planning on going to this kind of special, nice shop. I sort of... well I struggled a bit with my anxiousness and asked her if she didn't think we could order it instead? There had to be someplace that could deliver it in time right? Because I really wanted to finish that cage today since I also want to clean my own cages (I'll get back to this situation below, I'll just rant off the cage situation first so you'll get where I'm coming from and to with this *small smile*).
Because the thing is that her girls is right now sitting in a cage that I was about to move one group of my boys into. She has a couple of girls that chews up cages with plastic floors and almost all of our cages has that. Not the two she's actually using and then there is my cage that has a plastic floor but it's kind of harder plastic and there is steel bars beneath the plastic so even if they managed to chew through they wouldn't be able to escape. My cage like that has two levels and I've been using it as one big cage but since the pack that lived there shrank recently I figured I could move one of my other groups into half and get one less cage in the room to take up space. But since that's the only place we can really put girls while cleaning their cages I wanted both the girl cages clean before I cleaned up that half and put my boys into it (because it would feel pretty stupid to make it all nice and ready for them - let them move in - then take them out and use that cage for the girls - then have to clean it again before moving the boys back). I've been saying this to Bella (that the girl's cages needs to be clean so I can move the boys and clean their cage (and then move my group of two into THAT cage since it's bigger and then clean out THEIR cage and put it into storage haha)) but - obviously - she hasn't done shit. And I've told her this for like... almost three weeks. But yeah so nothing happened and I got fed up and started cleaning her damn cages - back to the situation above!
When I asked about buying the manga online she was skeptical about anyone getting it shipped in time but then she said that maybe it would be more fun to go next week anyway - so Em could come along to that store too (because Bella is actually nice - even though I tend to complain about her *smiles slightly*).
A little bit later we once again slipped into cage cleaning (I don't remember how) and I sort of actually showed a bit of my annoyance with the whole thing. I went off just a tiny bit about how I really wanted the damn cage done today so I could clean one of my own cages tomorrow and would she please take over the cage cleaning for a while today so I didn't have to think about it all the time and so on.
I managed to stop myself before things got bad or anything (I could see the look on her face *grimace*) but she sullenly said that yeah sure. And she's been cleaning for a bit.
I really don't like that I showed that annoyance. I wanted to be strong enough to be able to keep things up until she moves. Things are already kind of fragile between us lately - I don't want to make anything worse; escpecially when it truly won't change anything for the better.
I have to watch myself more closely so I won't slip again. I'll just... vent some to Lisa on friday and put poor Em through my rants when she's here and stuff... *wrinkles nose*
Bella went to bed while I was writing this. The cage is far from done.
So yes; I'm very frustrated and annoyed about that. Sure she needs to sleep but it's not like she worked all that hard on the cleaning today - she took her sweet time and did other stuff in between.
*takes cleansing breath*
Okay... I think I've ranted enough.
I hope I got it out of my system a little.