of thoughts in the late hour
"late hour"? Feels weird not to have a name on the sort-of hours between midnight and morning. *shrug*
Anyway... the time is a bit into "småtimmarna" now (using the swedish word yes XD).
I'm anxious for no reason at all. My body feels restless and I'm not sure what to do with my mind. I try to keep it covered by keeping skin contact with Sirius who is sleeping beside me, listening to my little boys as they move around in the cage by my bed, listening to music and switching between reading fanfiction and following the FC. (as well as constantly checking my mail of course haha as always... I'm obsessive about that (it tells me if someone comments anywhere on "my" places... like fanfics or here... so yeah...))
I should sleep of course, but sleeping clearly isn't something I'm skilled at. err.. >.>
I have work in the morning. Early too. But I don't see myself sleeping anytime soon feeling like I do right now.
WARNING! Some of the content below can be disturbing to some people. If you can't handle talk about blood and/or self-destructivity and/or suidicalness as well as similar topics you should stay out.
I've been feeling low all day... and it was so difficult getting out of bed this morning... I stayed under the covers for a couple of hours extra just to avoid cutting up my leg more (I've been able not to for a couple of days so...).
Then I didn't eat anything instead. *shrug* That also works to hurt myself. *rolls eyes*
My leg really is itching btw *wrinkles nose* That's the thing I don't like with slicing myself up. The pain I'm totally fine with, because along with the blood it's what I want. And every time I happen to bump my leg into something so I get that sting I'm reminded that I have something to distract me from inside pain - so it's all good.
But when it's healing.... GAH! The itching! So annoying! *pout* That part I don't like...
I... really don't know what to do with myself right now... Sometimes it's easy dealing with the fact that I'm broken. Sometimes not.
Right now the jagged pieces inside is digging painfully into my... soul?
And the anxiety is like a restless monster clawing at my ribcage.
It makes me feel physically ill and makes my chest kind of hurt.
One would think that after so many years I would have learnt to handle this better. >.>
I really feel completely useless at times likes this.
Speaking of years... I can't believe I've been like this for almost 15 years now. And for about 13 of those years I've just been wanting to give up most of the time and finally make proper love to death. Sure I've been flirting with her a lot over the years, but in my defence she's flirting even more with me. >.> Giving me all those promises of FINALLY being rid of these feelings...
Sometimes I truly feel like I can't take it for another second.
But damnit I can't leave my furry little family-members! I still have those 14 reasons to stay in this pathetic and completely unnecessary life that I don't see any point to whatsoever.
...
How do you guys deal with life? *tilts head somewhat curiously* Did you guys manage to find some meaning with it?
Sometimes I feel a bit jealous of all those people around me that seems to handle it so effortlessly like living isn't a big deal at all. Like every breath isn't painful (then again; maybe it isn't to most people *lowers eyes somewhat shamefully*).
If it's so easy for other people, how come I find it so terribly difficult? *frowns with frustration*
For me living is so hard. Every breath, every step or movement, every little thing... It's so hard! Is it like that for other people to? Maybe they're just better at hiding it. *chews on lower lip*
Gods I'm such a weak person. *hollow laugh*
Anyway... the time is a bit into "småtimmarna" now (using the swedish word yes XD).
I'm anxious for no reason at all. My body feels restless and I'm not sure what to do with my mind. I try to keep it covered by keeping skin contact with Sirius who is sleeping beside me, listening to my little boys as they move around in the cage by my bed, listening to music and switching between reading fanfiction and following the FC. (as well as constantly checking my mail of course haha as always... I'm obsessive about that (it tells me if someone comments anywhere on "my" places... like fanfics or here... so yeah...))
I should sleep of course, but sleeping clearly isn't something I'm skilled at. err.. >.>
I have work in the morning. Early too. But I don't see myself sleeping anytime soon feeling like I do right now.
WARNING! Some of the content below can be disturbing to some people. If you can't handle talk about blood and/or self-destructivity and/or suidicalness as well as similar topics you should stay out.
I've been feeling low all day... and it was so difficult getting out of bed this morning... I stayed under the covers for a couple of hours extra just to avoid cutting up my leg more (I've been able not to for a couple of days so...).
Then I didn't eat anything instead. *shrug* That also works to hurt myself. *rolls eyes*
My leg really is itching btw *wrinkles nose* That's the thing I don't like with slicing myself up. The pain I'm totally fine with, because along with the blood it's what I want. And every time I happen to bump my leg into something so I get that sting I'm reminded that I have something to distract me from inside pain - so it's all good.
But when it's healing.... GAH! The itching! So annoying! *pout* That part I don't like...
I... really don't know what to do with myself right now... Sometimes it's easy dealing with the fact that I'm broken. Sometimes not.
Right now the jagged pieces inside is digging painfully into my... soul?
And the anxiety is like a restless monster clawing at my ribcage.
It makes me feel physically ill and makes my chest kind of hurt.
One would think that after so many years I would have learnt to handle this better. >.>
I really feel completely useless at times likes this.
Speaking of years... I can't believe I've been like this for almost 15 years now. And for about 13 of those years I've just been wanting to give up most of the time and finally make proper love to death. Sure I've been flirting with her a lot over the years, but in my defence she's flirting even more with me. >.> Giving me all those promises of FINALLY being rid of these feelings...
Sometimes I truly feel like I can't take it for another second.
But damnit I can't leave my furry little family-members! I still have those 14 reasons to stay in this pathetic and completely unnecessary life that I don't see any point to whatsoever.
...
How do you guys deal with life? *tilts head somewhat curiously* Did you guys manage to find some meaning with it?
Sometimes I feel a bit jealous of all those people around me that seems to handle it so effortlessly like living isn't a big deal at all. Like every breath isn't painful (then again; maybe it isn't to most people *lowers eyes somewhat shamefully*).
If it's so easy for other people, how come I find it so terribly difficult? *frowns with frustration*
For me living is so hard. Every breath, every step or movement, every little thing... It's so hard! Is it like that for other people to? Maybe they're just better at hiding it. *chews on lower lip*
Gods I'm such a weak person. *hollow laugh*