my brain can't keep up with my beating.
And the silence; it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared.
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind.
All the way from San Francisco
As I chased the end of your road
Cause I've still got miles to go.
And I want to know my fate
If I keep up this way.
And it's hard to want to stay awake
When everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep.
And you wonder if you missed your dream.
You can't see a dream
You can't see a dream.
You just can't see a dream.
And then it started getting dark.
I truged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I assume was the case with you.
...I guess I moved and I'm not any happier.
And I guess I'm scared I never will be. Although, I know I will.
And I can't talk to anyone. or so it feels.
Everyone here is desolate, for starters. And as deep as a puddle. It's like searching amidst a bare cupboard for something to eat for dinner. And all you have is some tuna fish, olives, and an old can of chicken noodle soup. Fuckin' nothing.
And meghann..... is fucking pregnant. And as selfish as it sound's, she will never be the same, and I will never have that friend in her. And everything is totally changed. Forever. No one asked how I felt about all this.
And Chelsea, I just don't even know where I'd begin. And I don't feel as though she has the time.
And Bailey is an idiot. not to mention, totally consumed in a lack luster, mentally abusive relationship.
And sure there's my Mom. who is... amazing. but yet, I can't divulge everything to her.
And so I just feel lost, isolated, and confused. And worse, clueless how to change things.
Not to mention, I am absolutely sick to fucking death of being invisible and incapable of love.
And ya know what else I'm done with? Self pitying journal entries on live journal.
So fuck it. ciao.
Dear Juan,
Before Denton.... every single person I spoke with had the exact same fear about living with you. And it was that your marijuana usage would be too much and too often and that the place you shared would soon become ALL about it. Christina feared it and Bray feared it. They both decided not to live with you and in some cases... us because of it.
But I didn't write you off because of that. And furthermore, I thought they were silly for doing so. And so whenever the conversations would come up... not only did I disagree but I defended YOU. And YOUR actions.
And then when I did decide to live with you this subject came up once again. As one of, if not THE reason they questioned if I wanted to live with you.
Again... I defended you.
And now here I am. In Denton 6 months down the line... and the last thing I want to be doing is regretting that.
But these last couple of months... and especially these past few weeks in the new semester have got me worried. And not just worried, but I'm starting to get angry, and frustrated, and it's started to affect how I treat you, our friendship, and my overall happiness.
And.... that doesn't sit well with me. In fact, I'm not okay with that at all. And I feel before it gets any worse, or I start resenting you for it, that I need to openly and honestly speak up.
I know that you're going to get defensive, because you ALWAYS do. but screw it.
here goes:
You came here with an ounce and within the only 2 and 1/2 weeks we've been back you have bought another THREE. Which, obviously, has turned the house into your one stop shop. And you know what? Sure. it's been convenient to have weed that accessible but I would much rather be able to lounge around makeup-less on MY couch in MY house without having to hide in my room because I don't know if another 'customer' is going to stop by and make a visit at 9 o'clock.
I am tired of it. You are a grown boy and if selling weed is something that you want to do... then far be it from me to dictate that or tell you what to do. but if it is something that YOU want to do then do it on YOUR own time. At your OWN discretion. And not at our home.
Because honestly, it isn't my problem. Not at all. And there is no benefit to me having this continue to go on. All it's doing is annoying and inconveniencing me. And in turn making me angry and act rude to you. And quite frankly, I don't want to be.
But beyond you selling such frequent copious amounts of marijuana there is another issue that's been brewing since before Christmas. A problem that of course has hugely increased due to the fact of your selling weed on such a constant basis and that is the fact that our home has become party central. As before christmas break even started it is rare that there is even one night a week that no one is here. And sometimes there isn't even that.
And you know what? I adore all of those kids, and I love hanging out with them. But at the same time, it really isn't my problem that they happen to live in a dorm and I live in an apartment. It's not my responsibility to give them or anyone else somewhere to go. Hanging out is fine, but when it becomes a daily situation... where we all just stair at a TV together... it becomes obnoxious.
especially, as of lately with me being so sick, and of course, as the workload increases as the semester passes.
It's just fucking obnoxious and again not my problem. Not to mention you make me feel like a rude prick for saying no politely when you ask. Let me make this loud and clear for you: I LIKE THESE PEOPLE, alot. but having our place be "the" place.... isn't ok.
Look, I like marijuana. And I like smoking marijuana. but smoking marijuana ISN'T my life. and It's turning into it.
Quite frankly, I don't want to be this lazy person that I'm turning into, and I don't like smoking this much weed ingeneral. These past months i've smoked more than I'd ever really want to. It isn't even much fun anymore, now. It's just become like, a habit, or something.
And I'm tired... sooooo tired of it. And I don't want what should be small issues to be issues at all anymore. Nor do I want them to affect us, or how I feel about you. Because it's starting to.
I defended you in the beginning because I know that you're more than just the "gay guy who's a pot head" exterior that you like to project. I knew that you were also an amazing person and someone that I could see myself REALLY being happy living with.
Please don't make me regret those things. And please don't make me ever regret standing up for you when nobody else was.
I hope you prove them wrong and me right and that we can change these things. Because shutting up and just tolerating it is not really an option for me anymore.
All my love,
Sara
That you had long ago disappeared.
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind.
All the way from San Francisco
As I chased the end of your road
Cause I've still got miles to go.
And I want to know my fate
If I keep up this way.
And it's hard to want to stay awake
When everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep.
And you wonder if you missed your dream.
You can't see a dream
You can't see a dream.
You just can't see a dream.
And then it started getting dark.
I truged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I assume was the case with you.
...I guess I moved and I'm not any happier.
And I guess I'm scared I never will be. Although, I know I will.
And I can't talk to anyone. or so it feels.
Everyone here is desolate, for starters. And as deep as a puddle. It's like searching amidst a bare cupboard for something to eat for dinner. And all you have is some tuna fish, olives, and an old can of chicken noodle soup. Fuckin' nothing.
And meghann..... is fucking pregnant. And as selfish as it sound's, she will never be the same, and I will never have that friend in her. And everything is totally changed. Forever. No one asked how I felt about all this.
And Chelsea, I just don't even know where I'd begin. And I don't feel as though she has the time.
And Bailey is an idiot. not to mention, totally consumed in a lack luster, mentally abusive relationship.
And sure there's my Mom. who is... amazing. but yet, I can't divulge everything to her.
And so I just feel lost, isolated, and confused. And worse, clueless how to change things.
Not to mention, I am absolutely sick to fucking death of being invisible and incapable of love.
And ya know what else I'm done with? Self pitying journal entries on live journal.
So fuck it. ciao.
Dear Juan,
Before Denton.... every single person I spoke with had the exact same fear about living with you. And it was that your marijuana usage would be too much and too often and that the place you shared would soon become ALL about it. Christina feared it and Bray feared it. They both decided not to live with you and in some cases... us because of it.
But I didn't write you off because of that. And furthermore, I thought they were silly for doing so. And so whenever the conversations would come up... not only did I disagree but I defended YOU. And YOUR actions.
And then when I did decide to live with you this subject came up once again. As one of, if not THE reason they questioned if I wanted to live with you.
Again... I defended you.
And now here I am. In Denton 6 months down the line... and the last thing I want to be doing is regretting that.
But these last couple of months... and especially these past few weeks in the new semester have got me worried. And not just worried, but I'm starting to get angry, and frustrated, and it's started to affect how I treat you, our friendship, and my overall happiness.
And.... that doesn't sit well with me. In fact, I'm not okay with that at all. And I feel before it gets any worse, or I start resenting you for it, that I need to openly and honestly speak up.
I know that you're going to get defensive, because you ALWAYS do. but screw it.
here goes:
You came here with an ounce and within the only 2 and 1/2 weeks we've been back you have bought another THREE. Which, obviously, has turned the house into your one stop shop. And you know what? Sure. it's been convenient to have weed that accessible but I would much rather be able to lounge around makeup-less on MY couch in MY house without having to hide in my room because I don't know if another 'customer' is going to stop by and make a visit at 9 o'clock.
I am tired of it. You are a grown boy and if selling weed is something that you want to do... then far be it from me to dictate that or tell you what to do. but if it is something that YOU want to do then do it on YOUR own time. At your OWN discretion. And not at our home.
Because honestly, it isn't my problem. Not at all. And there is no benefit to me having this continue to go on. All it's doing is annoying and inconveniencing me. And in turn making me angry and act rude to you. And quite frankly, I don't want to be.
But beyond you selling such frequent copious amounts of marijuana there is another issue that's been brewing since before Christmas. A problem that of course has hugely increased due to the fact of your selling weed on such a constant basis and that is the fact that our home has become party central. As before christmas break even started it is rare that there is even one night a week that no one is here. And sometimes there isn't even that.
And you know what? I adore all of those kids, and I love hanging out with them. But at the same time, it really isn't my problem that they happen to live in a dorm and I live in an apartment. It's not my responsibility to give them or anyone else somewhere to go. Hanging out is fine, but when it becomes a daily situation... where we all just stair at a TV together... it becomes obnoxious.
especially, as of lately with me being so sick, and of course, as the workload increases as the semester passes.
It's just fucking obnoxious and again not my problem. Not to mention you make me feel like a rude prick for saying no politely when you ask. Let me make this loud and clear for you: I LIKE THESE PEOPLE, alot. but having our place be "the" place.... isn't ok.
Look, I like marijuana. And I like smoking marijuana. but smoking marijuana ISN'T my life. and It's turning into it.
Quite frankly, I don't want to be this lazy person that I'm turning into, and I don't like smoking this much weed ingeneral. These past months i've smoked more than I'd ever really want to. It isn't even much fun anymore, now. It's just become like, a habit, or something.
And I'm tired... sooooo tired of it. And I don't want what should be small issues to be issues at all anymore. Nor do I want them to affect us, or how I feel about you. Because it's starting to.
I defended you in the beginning because I know that you're more than just the "gay guy who's a pot head" exterior that you like to project. I knew that you were also an amazing person and someone that I could see myself REALLY being happy living with.
Please don't make me regret those things. And please don't make me ever regret standing up for you when nobody else was.
I hope you prove them wrong and me right and that we can change these things. Because shutting up and just tolerating it is not really an option for me anymore.
All my love,
Sara