dreams, #4 (always with respect to r.b.)
52. I dreamt she said, "You don't
really have that big of a crush
on him, right?" As I watched
you out of the corner of my eye.
53. I dreamt you just
wanted to embrace me even though
the time wasn't right (is the time
ever right?) So you clutched me
all the way down the street
and we hobbled along.
54. I dreamt I stood up for myself.
I wouldn't let her question
those choices: not wearing makeup,
feeling beautiful and how I had stopped
seeing myself through other people's
eyes.
55. I dreamt I ordered porn
right in front of everyone
and suddenly felt ashamed.
Meanwhile, I plotted
how to break up with my boyfriend.
56. I dreamt it was a replay.
The terrorists had chosen me
to eat two truffles in under 60 seconds
(in front of everyone).
I tried to make them laugh, instead,
by twerking.
57. I dreamt I wrote you on wax paper
and most of the letter had disappeared
unless you looked at it the right way,
like a hologram, but
I wasn't sure if you would.
58. I dreamt we were playing volleyball --
it was heated -- a slur passed from
a competitor's lips. "Slutty," he said
and I spit in his face and broke
down in tears.
59. I dreamt I was back in our old
dining hall and it felt so good.
I wondered what been keeping me.
60. I dreamt you were undercover,
in disguise, a full beard
shaping you unrecognizable --
you didn't look like a douchebag
anymore, and I gave you a knowing smile.
61. I dreamt you showed me your
flamingos -- a little glass menagerie
from your siblings. But they were actually
cheetahs and I didn't have the heart
to tell you.
62. I dreamt you were leaving
and I found out too late.
As I sputtered, you held
stoic. "It's my choice," you said.
And I saw your camera and all
the photos of me
that you would never develop.
63. I dreamt our house had gone to shit.
All you wanted to do
was watch baseball
and there were moths
in your multivitamins.
64. I dreamt you were in a rage
beating our family van
with a long stick.
Mama said it would
pass and I watched you
through the window, helpless.
65. I dreamt this news editor shot me
so I bitched him out
and refused to die.
66. I dreamt the spring flowers
I had picked and pressed and dried
for you
had erased the words
off my usage dictonary.
67. I dreamt our neighbors lived in our old house
(but it felt different to me)
and we couldn't find anywhere
to lay down
and make love
(or have sex).
68. I dreamt I was riding the El but all the stops
were different and I couldn't remember
where to get off or what I needed to do --
it was a memory as distant as a dream I had lost.
I ended up at Millbourne.
69. I dreamt I said baby,
I'm scared, baby,
baby, baby, baby,
and you said, don't
call me baby.
70. I dreamt I lived somewhere
else, somewhere I kept my bike
in the closet. I can't
remember anymore, but I wasn't alone.
71. I dreamt I was at a magnificent
sundae bar -- mint chocolate chip, berries (so many
berries),
"biodynamic" flavors to boot.
But I took so long to make my choice,
my eyes so wide,
hat I missed my chance.
Too little, too late.
72. I dreamt the water
wouldn't drain.
73. I dreamt I dropped my phone
in the pool and then lost it.
I spent the whole dream trying
to find it. And when I did,
everything was OK.
74. I dreamt I didn't eat enough
shrooms,
like that time freshman year
when I spent the whole time waiting
for something that never came
but this time, I didn't mind.
75. I dreamt I asked
to borrow a pair
of leggings and
you said
no.
76. I dreamt your father saw me
tiptoe out of your room
naked -- I hadn't realized
he had video cameras everywhere.
77. I dreamt your kissed me
on your top bunk
as your cabinmates
stood by
in solidarity.
78. I dreamt I ran a 5K for you
and your father had caught it
on tape. We watched it together,
years later, me, sputtering,
gasping for air, and I wondered,
could I really have
loved you that much?
really have that big of a crush
on him, right?" As I watched
you out of the corner of my eye.
53. I dreamt you just
wanted to embrace me even though
the time wasn't right (is the time
ever right?) So you clutched me
all the way down the street
and we hobbled along.
54. I dreamt I stood up for myself.
I wouldn't let her question
those choices: not wearing makeup,
feeling beautiful and how I had stopped
seeing myself through other people's
eyes.
55. I dreamt I ordered porn
right in front of everyone
and suddenly felt ashamed.
Meanwhile, I plotted
how to break up with my boyfriend.
56. I dreamt it was a replay.
The terrorists had chosen me
to eat two truffles in under 60 seconds
(in front of everyone).
I tried to make them laugh, instead,
by twerking.
57. I dreamt I wrote you on wax paper
and most of the letter had disappeared
unless you looked at it the right way,
like a hologram, but
I wasn't sure if you would.
58. I dreamt we were playing volleyball --
it was heated -- a slur passed from
a competitor's lips. "Slutty," he said
and I spit in his face and broke
down in tears.
59. I dreamt I was back in our old
dining hall and it felt so good.
I wondered what been keeping me.
60. I dreamt you were undercover,
in disguise, a full beard
shaping you unrecognizable --
you didn't look like a douchebag
anymore, and I gave you a knowing smile.
61. I dreamt you showed me your
flamingos -- a little glass menagerie
from your siblings. But they were actually
cheetahs and I didn't have the heart
to tell you.
62. I dreamt you were leaving
and I found out too late.
As I sputtered, you held
stoic. "It's my choice," you said.
And I saw your camera and all
the photos of me
that you would never develop.
63. I dreamt our house had gone to shit.
All you wanted to do
was watch baseball
and there were moths
in your multivitamins.
64. I dreamt you were in a rage
beating our family van
with a long stick.
Mama said it would
pass and I watched you
through the window, helpless.
65. I dreamt this news editor shot me
so I bitched him out
and refused to die.
66. I dreamt the spring flowers
I had picked and pressed and dried
for you
had erased the words
off my usage dictonary.
67. I dreamt our neighbors lived in our old house
(but it felt different to me)
and we couldn't find anywhere
to lay down
and make love
(or have sex).
68. I dreamt I was riding the El but all the stops
were different and I couldn't remember
where to get off or what I needed to do --
it was a memory as distant as a dream I had lost.
I ended up at Millbourne.
69. I dreamt I said baby,
I'm scared, baby,
baby, baby, baby,
and you said, don't
call me baby.
70. I dreamt I lived somewhere
else, somewhere I kept my bike
in the closet. I can't
remember anymore, but I wasn't alone.
71. I dreamt I was at a magnificent
sundae bar -- mint chocolate chip, berries (so many
berries),
"biodynamic" flavors to boot.
But I took so long to make my choice,
my eyes so wide,
hat I missed my chance.
Too little, too late.
72. I dreamt the water
wouldn't drain.
73. I dreamt I dropped my phone
in the pool and then lost it.
I spent the whole dream trying
to find it. And when I did,
everything was OK.
74. I dreamt I didn't eat enough
shrooms,
like that time freshman year
when I spent the whole time waiting
for something that never came
but this time, I didn't mind.
75. I dreamt I asked
to borrow a pair
of leggings and
you said
no.
76. I dreamt your father saw me
tiptoe out of your room
naked -- I hadn't realized
he had video cameras everywhere.
77. I dreamt your kissed me
on your top bunk
as your cabinmates
stood by
in solidarity.
78. I dreamt I ran a 5K for you
and your father had caught it
on tape. We watched it together,
years later, me, sputtering,
gasping for air, and I wondered,
could I really have
loved you that much?