Putting Out My Misery
Holy crap. Look at me - I'm LJ-ing...!?! It's been almost a year since I've posted and I dunno, I just had the urge to.
I left off at just being hired at my current place of employment. So far I've made a decent living at this job, but in exchange for countless hours under fluorescent lighting, in front of a computer, under tons of stress and pressure and no use whatsoever of my design skills. I managed to declare it before 2009 even ended: "I HATE MY JOB."
And guess what? I still really do. It hurts my soul. Every day I look for a new one. I've applied to so many places and haven't heard anything back since February. It's scary and I hate thinking about how much longer I'd be at this place. I complain to almost everyone about it - except my parents who I still live with. They see the hours I put in, they see the misery in my face every time I walk in the door, they hear the stories of how stupid my coworkers are and how ridiculous the workload is. And bc of them I always have to guiltily remind myself that it's a job, it'll help pay for the wedding and my future mortgage. Yet I can't help but hear Garth Algar's voice in my head say "It's like people only do things because they get paid, and that's just really sad."
I wouldn't mind the 2 hour commute [1 hour each way] and I wouldn't mind the hours, if it was for work that I enjoyed doing/cared about or work that made a difference/contributed to society. Nope - it's the entertainment industry. The international aspect of it, actually - which means time and scheduling is a big factor. Almost every day we get these "drop-ins" that are due ASAP...on top of the huge pile of work we already need to do. I'm surrounded by idiots - one in particular who was SHOCKED to find out that Australia is 20 hours ahead in time. A-mazing. Our managers are moody and don't know how to be efficient - they'll email you, then walk over to your cubicle to tell you they've emailed you while interrupting the work you're currently doing for them. We get rewards from time to time, we get free lunch twice a week, and I understand why things are how they are. There is much room for improvement yet, nothing is done. I think almost everyone has had one or two breakdowns from working here. I know I'm included, and I know I'm not alone in how I feel.
I want to design again. I've managed to do a few freelance projects here and there to slowly build my portfolio. But looking at job postings out there, I fear that I'm just not good enough anymore. I feel like I've forgotten how to be creative. I'd see something amazing and think "How the F did they do that?" I wanna start over again but how? I can't go back to school and Trader Joe's and interning - not at this point in my life. I guess I could - but that takes balls - and tons o'them.
A few months ago I joined AIGA's programming committee and gotten myself involved with the design community again. It's been going ok - I've collected some business cards and passed out my own. It's tough for me, personally, to just go out there and talk to and get "in's" with people. I'm trying though - I'm co-producing a huge event for next month. Since being involved again, I've met a ton of freelancers. I don't know if I can go that direction - I'm hardly business minded enough to make a living off of full-time freelance. I NEED a steady income and benefits.
So yeah - I feel kinda lost with a hint of desperation which I guess is why I'm LJ-ing. Just putting it out into the universe. But I do know what I need to do - be patient, keep working/saving, appreciate what I do have and the other wonderful things going on in my life, and make time to design.
Briefly:
• Wedding planning's going great.
• We're very close to becoming condo-owners.
Ok LJ...that's it for now. Who knows when I'll post next - hopefully it's due to the excitement of finding a new job IhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhope!
I left off at just being hired at my current place of employment. So far I've made a decent living at this job, but in exchange for countless hours under fluorescent lighting, in front of a computer, under tons of stress and pressure and no use whatsoever of my design skills. I managed to declare it before 2009 even ended: "I HATE MY JOB."
And guess what? I still really do. It hurts my soul. Every day I look for a new one. I've applied to so many places and haven't heard anything back since February. It's scary and I hate thinking about how much longer I'd be at this place. I complain to almost everyone about it - except my parents who I still live with. They see the hours I put in, they see the misery in my face every time I walk in the door, they hear the stories of how stupid my coworkers are and how ridiculous the workload is. And bc of them I always have to guiltily remind myself that it's a job, it'll help pay for the wedding and my future mortgage. Yet I can't help but hear Garth Algar's voice in my head say "It's like people only do things because they get paid, and that's just really sad."
I wouldn't mind the 2 hour commute [1 hour each way] and I wouldn't mind the hours, if it was for work that I enjoyed doing/cared about or work that made a difference/contributed to society. Nope - it's the entertainment industry. The international aspect of it, actually - which means time and scheduling is a big factor. Almost every day we get these "drop-ins" that are due ASAP...on top of the huge pile of work we already need to do. I'm surrounded by idiots - one in particular who was SHOCKED to find out that Australia is 20 hours ahead in time. A-mazing. Our managers are moody and don't know how to be efficient - they'll email you, then walk over to your cubicle to tell you they've emailed you while interrupting the work you're currently doing for them. We get rewards from time to time, we get free lunch twice a week, and I understand why things are how they are. There is much room for improvement yet, nothing is done. I think almost everyone has had one or two breakdowns from working here. I know I'm included, and I know I'm not alone in how I feel.
I want to design again. I've managed to do a few freelance projects here and there to slowly build my portfolio. But looking at job postings out there, I fear that I'm just not good enough anymore. I feel like I've forgotten how to be creative. I'd see something amazing and think "How the F did they do that?" I wanna start over again but how? I can't go back to school and Trader Joe's and interning - not at this point in my life. I guess I could - but that takes balls - and tons o'them.
A few months ago I joined AIGA's programming committee and gotten myself involved with the design community again. It's been going ok - I've collected some business cards and passed out my own. It's tough for me, personally, to just go out there and talk to and get "in's" with people. I'm trying though - I'm co-producing a huge event for next month. Since being involved again, I've met a ton of freelancers. I don't know if I can go that direction - I'm hardly business minded enough to make a living off of full-time freelance. I NEED a steady income and benefits.
So yeah - I feel kinda lost with a hint of desperation which I guess is why I'm LJ-ing. Just putting it out into the universe. But I do know what I need to do - be patient, keep working/saving, appreciate what I do have and the other wonderful things going on in my life, and make time to design.
Briefly:
• Wedding planning's going great.
• We're very close to becoming condo-owners.
Ok LJ...that's it for now. Who knows when I'll post next - hopefully it's due to the excitement of finding a new job IhopeIhopeIhopeIhopeIhope!