anger i can't disclose
i am so fucking mad right now.
of course twenty minutes ago i went through the stages of laughter, fury and then tears so i'm not sure if this is a real emotion or not.
certain things have occured online today that i have been unaware of until now and they are shitting me up the wall.
also i have been sick all week with varying degrees of feeling, but that's thanks to my forgetting to take my supplements through most of november - THANKS EXAMS.
okay now i'm back to feeling calm but give it ten more minutes. maybe i'll start crying again because of the cramps i don't know. i seriously hate it when i forget my pills but i just forget them.
i had a dream about a giant woman trying to kill us all on our coffs holiday last night. this was in the context of a giant videogame though so there's that. also she bit off my thumb but i picked it up before we ran away so someone could surgically reattach it later.
also i don't know but i think i'm developing some social anxiety. when i went to thomas' graduation last night is when i got REALLY sick. as soon as i left the church (an hour and a half into that ridiculously long mass) i started to feel better. going back there made everything that i felt in year ten come rushing back. the betrayal i felt when the priests ditched our music group for the one they liked. the huge amounts of dizzy spells i got just standing in the pews. all the songs we played. the anger that i could do a better, more enthusiastic job than the one the polish dudes did giving mass. seriously, a) you can barely understand a thing they're saying, b) they read through the passages in a monotone c) they don't really give a crap who their parish is, they're in a huge in-fight up in the house on the hill anyway. d) it was the last place i can remember my parents spending time together, even with other people. we all get together for a birthday but i know dad hates it and doesn't want to go on playing happy families those four times a year when its a complete lie and i can't blame him for that.
anyway, maybe it's not social anxiety but just a reaction to being back in a place i have so much history with, and hardly any of it good mostly due to the way i parted with it.
i could have punched helen out when she was all "oh, are you tired?" in a babying-fake voice when i felt like i was going to pass out from being in that hall with 100 people after feeling sick for the two hours before that. instead i'm sure i was quite rude but whatever. she never gave me the hardcopy of the ad i did for her christian bible reading magazine thing so now i haven't anything to put in my resume. i think she mostly stopped contacting me because i wouldn't do them three more for free in the middle of my first semester at newcastle. no offence guys but seriously, yes it's a great opportunity to pad out a portfolio but i'm doing a job that would cost you all so much for free, at my own time, prices for all of my subjects had just gone up and it was my first semester back after a year out from dropping out all the time. give me a break!
wow there's a lot of bitterness in this post. sorry. no, i'm not sorry, i need to get all of this out or i'm going to be terrible company this coming week. i hope my body starts soaking up my b12 tablets by sunday or it's going to be moody, crampy, shitty, rude therese to deal with.
whatever happens, i will have my computer and my games. i know some people find it rude, some people can't understand why i would spend a holiday away with these machines but i need them to keep me in check. i love my friends, but i don't like people very much. i'm a home-body through and through and this way i can have both at once.
sounds like a piss-weak explanation.
god i am in a bad mood tonight. apologies.
of course twenty minutes ago i went through the stages of laughter, fury and then tears so i'm not sure if this is a real emotion or not.
certain things have occured online today that i have been unaware of until now and they are shitting me up the wall.
also i have been sick all week with varying degrees of feeling, but that's thanks to my forgetting to take my supplements through most of november - THANKS EXAMS.
okay now i'm back to feeling calm but give it ten more minutes. maybe i'll start crying again because of the cramps i don't know. i seriously hate it when i forget my pills but i just forget them.
i had a dream about a giant woman trying to kill us all on our coffs holiday last night. this was in the context of a giant videogame though so there's that. also she bit off my thumb but i picked it up before we ran away so someone could surgically reattach it later.
also i don't know but i think i'm developing some social anxiety. when i went to thomas' graduation last night is when i got REALLY sick. as soon as i left the church (an hour and a half into that ridiculously long mass) i started to feel better. going back there made everything that i felt in year ten come rushing back. the betrayal i felt when the priests ditched our music group for the one they liked. the huge amounts of dizzy spells i got just standing in the pews. all the songs we played. the anger that i could do a better, more enthusiastic job than the one the polish dudes did giving mass. seriously, a) you can barely understand a thing they're saying, b) they read through the passages in a monotone c) they don't really give a crap who their parish is, they're in a huge in-fight up in the house on the hill anyway. d) it was the last place i can remember my parents spending time together, even with other people. we all get together for a birthday but i know dad hates it and doesn't want to go on playing happy families those four times a year when its a complete lie and i can't blame him for that.
anyway, maybe it's not social anxiety but just a reaction to being back in a place i have so much history with, and hardly any of it good mostly due to the way i parted with it.
i could have punched helen out when she was all "oh, are you tired?" in a babying-fake voice when i felt like i was going to pass out from being in that hall with 100 people after feeling sick for the two hours before that. instead i'm sure i was quite rude but whatever. she never gave me the hardcopy of the ad i did for her christian bible reading magazine thing so now i haven't anything to put in my resume. i think she mostly stopped contacting me because i wouldn't do them three more for free in the middle of my first semester at newcastle. no offence guys but seriously, yes it's a great opportunity to pad out a portfolio but i'm doing a job that would cost you all so much for free, at my own time, prices for all of my subjects had just gone up and it was my first semester back after a year out from dropping out all the time. give me a break!
wow there's a lot of bitterness in this post. sorry. no, i'm not sorry, i need to get all of this out or i'm going to be terrible company this coming week. i hope my body starts soaking up my b12 tablets by sunday or it's going to be moody, crampy, shitty, rude therese to deal with.
whatever happens, i will have my computer and my games. i know some people find it rude, some people can't understand why i would spend a holiday away with these machines but i need them to keep me in check. i love my friends, but i don't like people very much. i'm a home-body through and through and this way i can have both at once.
sounds like a piss-weak explanation.
god i am in a bad mood tonight. apologies.