Just about Jason
Had a heartwrenching “date” with the ex tonight.
And of course...I’m in tears right now. Never fails.
I should have listened to Justin tonight when he said “You can never go backwards in relationships”. *sigh* Guess I should stop pining for the past. All the “what-ifs” and “almosts”. Every day I picture our apartment in NY, coming home and kissing him, falling asleep to the maniacal Manhattan noises together, and waking up with the most complete feeling of ease....he always played with my hair to get me to fall asleep -and- to wake me up. Life was bliss.
He always talked with his hands, repeating himself in 20 different ways...god, I miss his bad habits. I miss the stupid duck-like way he used to run, or how delicious he was when he was sweaty....those workouts in the park were the best. How he tried so hard to cook me dinner or surprise me with extravagant ideas and romantic gifts. Or how he used to beg to touch me...lick me...love me. Stringing my fingers into the creases of his hands, and tugging at his wild punk-rock hair....I always said YES.
I guess I just assumed he knew precisely how I felt back then.
But tonight he made it clear that for 2 years he had no clue....
He had “never heard me say any of this before”, and now he feels horrible.
“Nik...my little roo....you never know what the future holds.”
What a gentle way of saying, “Yeah, we might hook up again once I’m done with my gay phase/my new girlfriend (who has the same name as me, might I add)” Grr.
We’re so fucking Ross and Rachel it hurts. Makes me fuckin’ sick.
Though, in all honesty, he was the only person I would have tamed down for.
Not even Markus could have done that.
(Well, he was pretty damn wild himself HA..nm)
My *hardcore husband*, as I now refer to him....
Anyways, back to the grind.
This is all reiteration as it is.
I’m tired of writing it and you’re all tired of reading it.
Somebody slap me.
And of course...I’m in tears right now. Never fails.
I should have listened to Justin tonight when he said “You can never go backwards in relationships”. *sigh* Guess I should stop pining for the past. All the “what-ifs” and “almosts”. Every day I picture our apartment in NY, coming home and kissing him, falling asleep to the maniacal Manhattan noises together, and waking up with the most complete feeling of ease....he always played with my hair to get me to fall asleep -and- to wake me up. Life was bliss.
He always talked with his hands, repeating himself in 20 different ways...god, I miss his bad habits. I miss the stupid duck-like way he used to run, or how delicious he was when he was sweaty....those workouts in the park were the best. How he tried so hard to cook me dinner or surprise me with extravagant ideas and romantic gifts. Or how he used to beg to touch me...lick me...love me. Stringing my fingers into the creases of his hands, and tugging at his wild punk-rock hair....I always said YES.
I guess I just assumed he knew precisely how I felt back then.
But tonight he made it clear that for 2 years he had no clue....
He had “never heard me say any of this before”, and now he feels horrible.
“Nik...my little roo....you never know what the future holds.”
What a gentle way of saying, “Yeah, we might hook up again once I’m done with my gay phase/my new girlfriend (who has the same name as me, might I add)” Grr.
We’re so fucking Ross and Rachel it hurts. Makes me fuckin’ sick.
Though, in all honesty, he was the only person I would have tamed down for.
Not even Markus could have done that.
(Well, he was pretty damn wild himself HA..nm)
My *hardcore husband*, as I now refer to him....
Anyways, back to the grind.
This is all reiteration as it is.
I’m tired of writing it and you’re all tired of reading it.
Somebody slap me.