(no subject)
Going to be an extremely angry post, just a warning…
Some of you want me to keep coming and reaching out. I am not sure that I can keep doing that. And excuse me if it’s dramatic or whiny or even emo! I am fucking allowed! I have talked with Mary and Pearl and we are taking a different approach. I walked in there and was like just shut off my head and my heart! Then bawled my eyes out, I have NO memory of the last 3 days! I don’t deserve to feel like this and it just never ends.
I am constantly giving myself away to others and taking a lot of shit for it.
You or anyone else can continue to take from me! I am living in a town slandered with lies. I am living in a town that has preconceived thoughts of me; because of my father and it doesn’t matter really, if people want to judge me based on those things so be it. If I have dated girls and I have dated boys (I won’t confirm or deny), But what upsets me more is that people really do not know ME.
Thing is maybe I don’t even have a heart; maybe I don’t even have a sexuality. And here’s why… You can NOT go through your life starting at the age of 5 and live with continuous abuse and sexual traumas and NOT be fucked up (now I am fully aware of the people on my lists here and I guess I’m trusting that you’re my friends, that it will stay here at my Myspace, LJ, or Facebook and I won’t be hearing about what I write here outside of here, cause if I do, then I am sure to just add another shitty friendship to the list of people that said they were trustworthy, ouch huh?). So don’t go assuming that since I am speaking of abuse at the age of 5 that it was my dad or uncle or blah blah blah… clear? Good we are moving on.
I am not a victim anymore; however, some continue to TRY to make me one. Now, because this is a public post, I AM NOT NAMING NAMES AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD NOT ASSUME!!! But, this is me standing up and screaming! I AM NOT THE FUCKED UP ONE!
After years of having people not believe me, just this past weekend, I finally got recognition, because someone else was attacked which led them to believe all of the attacks I had reported were in fact true and not my need for attention. (A little late now!) But here’s the thing, I have had several relationships and I am extremely private in my relationships. They are important to me. I fall hard and fast, but that is classic with abuse victims. I do not smother them and I am always respectful. But looking back at EVERY relationship I’ve ever been in, guess what… each and every one of them has almost always been a use and abuse type setting. Seriously!!! I did a list of all the people I have dated or been with intimately, and EVERY ONE OF THEM ENDS THE SAME! Now is it me? I don’t think so. Because I give myself and I give my all! For instance, with “T” he and I were together from grade 6 till well after high school graduation and I supported him throughout his training as a Marine and even into his Special Forces training. I was completely faithful to him and it ended because I couldn’t be completely his, meaning I couldn’t have sex. It terrified me and I had just closed off emotionally from any feeling physically, after that break up, I just gave up and let go and well I guess my body became a blow up doll. I was not going to lose relationships because I was “broken” , but this only ended me in me losing people because I wasn’t enough. This lead to 5 others telling me that they loved me, that I was their best friend, that I amazing, blah blah blah, and they had sex with me as much and as often as they needed, and I lived through it. But just when I started to believe them, they chose someone else. They tell me that they loved me, but, that they want to be with someone else. I am left standing there with my heart on my sleeve and my body feeling just as fucking dirty and used as George, Renee, Ruth, Rick, Obdulio, and the rest we’ll keep private, because I do not want shit to be started, have left me to feel countless times before. George is dead now, so his wrath of abuse is over, but death doesn’t stop it, does it?
So am I a lesbian? Hmm… if only I knew. But I really don’t. I wonder if it comes down to when you’ve hurt this much and been abused by both sexes, maybe you just take “love” from anyone that you THINK is safe? And you know that everyone that I am or have been with, they ALL know before hand, so it’s not like it’s a secret.
But I am angry! I am angry because now I’m going through it again! And ya know what else; people start to find ways to cope with this sort of trauma. I chose to not eat. It almost killed me a few years ago, or I chose to eat and then I throw up or I over exercise because I have such tremendous guilt. The thing with me though, is my body is structured in such a way that my eating disorder doesn’t show on the outside. Making it easier for me to be sick and not show the pain.
I have dreams. I have wants and I am scared to death that this eating disorder will swallow me up like it did a few years ago, and I will not live these dreams, because I will be too weak to follow through. I have taken one of the 4 trips and I am preparing for the 2nd. I can HOPE that moving away will help me, but, running never solves our problems.
So it comes down to punishing myself for what others have done to me. So keep taking about me, and I will prove you all right. Cause God forbid you look inside and REALLY see ME! The one that loves and truly loves! The one that will give everything for her family and friends to be happy. The one that stays up all hours of the night to help the very person that is going through what I never had the support for. The one that will risk it all to do the right thing, even if it means being retaliated against later. Cause when I say I love you, I mean it.
Kim
Some of you want me to keep coming and reaching out. I am not sure that I can keep doing that. And excuse me if it’s dramatic or whiny or even emo! I am fucking allowed! I have talked with Mary and Pearl and we are taking a different approach. I walked in there and was like just shut off my head and my heart! Then bawled my eyes out, I have NO memory of the last 3 days! I don’t deserve to feel like this and it just never ends.
I am constantly giving myself away to others and taking a lot of shit for it.
You or anyone else can continue to take from me! I am living in a town slandered with lies. I am living in a town that has preconceived thoughts of me; because of my father and it doesn’t matter really, if people want to judge me based on those things so be it. If I have dated girls and I have dated boys (I won’t confirm or deny), But what upsets me more is that people really do not know ME.
Thing is maybe I don’t even have a heart; maybe I don’t even have a sexuality. And here’s why… You can NOT go through your life starting at the age of 5 and live with continuous abuse and sexual traumas and NOT be fucked up (now I am fully aware of the people on my lists here and I guess I’m trusting that you’re my friends, that it will stay here at my Myspace, LJ, or Facebook and I won’t be hearing about what I write here outside of here, cause if I do, then I am sure to just add another shitty friendship to the list of people that said they were trustworthy, ouch huh?). So don’t go assuming that since I am speaking of abuse at the age of 5 that it was my dad or uncle or blah blah blah… clear? Good we are moving on.
I am not a victim anymore; however, some continue to TRY to make me one. Now, because this is a public post, I AM NOT NAMING NAMES AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD NOT ASSUME!!! But, this is me standing up and screaming! I AM NOT THE FUCKED UP ONE!
After years of having people not believe me, just this past weekend, I finally got recognition, because someone else was attacked which led them to believe all of the attacks I had reported were in fact true and not my need for attention. (A little late now!) But here’s the thing, I have had several relationships and I am extremely private in my relationships. They are important to me. I fall hard and fast, but that is classic with abuse victims. I do not smother them and I am always respectful. But looking back at EVERY relationship I’ve ever been in, guess what… each and every one of them has almost always been a use and abuse type setting. Seriously!!! I did a list of all the people I have dated or been with intimately, and EVERY ONE OF THEM ENDS THE SAME! Now is it me? I don’t think so. Because I give myself and I give my all! For instance, with “T” he and I were together from grade 6 till well after high school graduation and I supported him throughout his training as a Marine and even into his Special Forces training. I was completely faithful to him and it ended because I couldn’t be completely his, meaning I couldn’t have sex. It terrified me and I had just closed off emotionally from any feeling physically, after that break up, I just gave up and let go and well I guess my body became a blow up doll. I was not going to lose relationships because I was “broken” , but this only ended me in me losing people because I wasn’t enough. This lead to 5 others telling me that they loved me, that I was their best friend, that I amazing, blah blah blah, and they had sex with me as much and as often as they needed, and I lived through it. But just when I started to believe them, they chose someone else. They tell me that they loved me, but, that they want to be with someone else. I am left standing there with my heart on my sleeve and my body feeling just as fucking dirty and used as George, Renee, Ruth, Rick, Obdulio, and the rest we’ll keep private, because I do not want shit to be started, have left me to feel countless times before. George is dead now, so his wrath of abuse is over, but death doesn’t stop it, does it?
So am I a lesbian? Hmm… if only I knew. But I really don’t. I wonder if it comes down to when you’ve hurt this much and been abused by both sexes, maybe you just take “love” from anyone that you THINK is safe? And you know that everyone that I am or have been with, they ALL know before hand, so it’s not like it’s a secret.
But I am angry! I am angry because now I’m going through it again! And ya know what else; people start to find ways to cope with this sort of trauma. I chose to not eat. It almost killed me a few years ago, or I chose to eat and then I throw up or I over exercise because I have such tremendous guilt. The thing with me though, is my body is structured in such a way that my eating disorder doesn’t show on the outside. Making it easier for me to be sick and not show the pain.
I have dreams. I have wants and I am scared to death that this eating disorder will swallow me up like it did a few years ago, and I will not live these dreams, because I will be too weak to follow through. I have taken one of the 4 trips and I am preparing for the 2nd. I can HOPE that moving away will help me, but, running never solves our problems.
So it comes down to punishing myself for what others have done to me. So keep taking about me, and I will prove you all right. Cause God forbid you look inside and REALLY see ME! The one that loves and truly loves! The one that will give everything for her family and friends to be happy. The one that stays up all hours of the night to help the very person that is going through what I never had the support for. The one that will risk it all to do the right thing, even if it means being retaliated against later. Cause when I say I love you, I mean it.
Kim