restraint comes when you count backwards by seven.
i say the word calm over and over in my head. picture green calm. imagine the red anxiety is leaving. all the things my therapist told me. and yet still my hand shakes. i notice that my jaw is clenched so tight my mouth can hardly open when i am done. its summer for gods sake how could i feel this way on a cape cod beach day. with the salty wind making promises in my ears and my heart is dropping because i am afraid to believe that things will be okay because whatiftheyarenot. yeah. a stupid way to go (tell me something real). so i sit in an office and wait for an end to the work days. i pace the panels of my heart wanting the live in our then NOW. to feel that soft orange light that seemed to pour in the windows. to jump on our bed into your arms. to bake bread and scones and eat fondue at our kitchen table. this picturesque world that i am just naive enough to believe in. and it will be soft light and just right and names will never hurt you.