you don't want to waste your life
well i love my grandmother too. i just got a christmas card from her. she says, "practice up on your game skills... you and me against the crowd." this is what we do, we go over there and eat. my family and my cousins and aunt and uncle. afterwards of course the guys just want to watch tv or take naps. but we girls are crazy. one year i get all the girls to play a game of charades. but usually it's pictionary or something, and my grandmother and i always team up and we always win. if it's christmas eve six of us will pile into a car and go shopping somewhere. usually my brother and little cousin come with us then. i call him little, he's 17 i think. a senior in high school. i saw him on thanksgiving and he was talking about how his girlfriend wouldn't go see jackass the movie with him. and he said, yeah, that was right before i broke up with her because she was a prude. . . little cousin. don't tell me such things. i laughed and said, say no more. the thing about family is, it's good for a while, but i always end up getting this really empty feeling. like there's something missing from me and it almost makes me hyperventilate. and i would think being with family i should not get this feeling. but to be honest, talking about it now brings it on. emptiness right in the center of my chest. something is missing. but i've gotten this feeling for as long as i can remember. i remember being very young, second grade probably, i would get this feeling and think i was hungry. then i'd think i was thirsty. and i would just sit and cry for no reason. once i had this feeling at one of rena's birthday parties. i think that was fourth grade, it was a sleep over. i had this feeling and i just started crying and couldn't stop. her mother held me out on their swing and everyone would ask what was wrong, and her mother said, her little heart is broken. i remember her saying that. i'm going to take a shower now, i'll make myself cry.