(no subject)

[onthewaydown]

tonight is for lots of posts that no one will ever read, except me. though you really should, because you're missing out. two from my favorite book that i like a lot. and one song about, as far as i'm concerned at the moment, poisonous boys. which are really just a reflection of myself. but i'll get into that later. tonight is also for me to think happy thoughts in order to make myself feel better. because maybe it really does work. so, happy thoughts. haaappiiiieee thoughts. happy phantom. thoughts. i'll start with a funny story. some guy that i met a couple of weeks ago in pacsun told me today that he's getting his mother a dildo for christmas. and i said, oh god. so she'll like that yeah? she'll be happy. and he said, well it's kind of for my dad too. i'm getting them a bunch of stuff, lubricants and everything. and i said, oh geez, i don't think my mother would appreciate that. i bet no on else thought that was funny. but he was so serious when he was saying that shit. i mean, i kind of believed him almost. no wonder they all think i'm 17. well i'm not 17, but i've cuts on my knees. falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree. i saw some of my high school friends today too. these girls that used to come in every friday night. and i'd always talk to them because they seem so real and i flock to realness, and people who smell good. they go to catholic high. see, i do like some girls. ah ah, chasing nuns out in the yard. and some girls i like even more. but they only exist in my head. will you still call for me when she falls asleep, or do we soon forget the things we cannot see? otherwise girls should all be killed, and boys too while we're at it. i've lost any hope i might have had for human kind being a decent species. but that isn't positive. i should be killed. there. positive enough for me. manilla envelopes are good for keeping things in. i started this when i was 16. i get manilla envelopes and put all kinds of papers and notes in them. and i write lyrics all over the outside and put the year on it. and they are in a box in my closet. well, wednesday night when i was in auburn and i was having a bad bad bad bad night, i got my box down. (haha.) (how old am i?) and i started going through some of the stuff. notes from people. i read notes from people in junior high, they made me laugh, people change so much. i read my notes from jason, i read some from allison, i read a letter that justin had sent me like three years ago. all these were good and funny. then i pick up this other note, i pick it up because it seems especially long. four pages i think it was. from not the last one, but the one before last. which, it's funny how you think you know someone at one time and then you don't at all. and i don't even really remember knowing him. i don't remember much of anything from that time. but i pick this note up. and i go, oh dear, i'll regret this, but i'm curious. and i start to read it. i felt like i was reading someone else's note, a note from some other lifetime, not my own. and it's apparently in response to some note that i had written. i don't remember this at all naturally. and so, what it helps me to realize, which i've really only just in the past hour realized, is that i expect too much from people. and maybe that's because i give too much and expect it in return, or maybe i only give because i expect the same. and i guess josh and i had the same expectations of each other and thought the same way about what things were ok and what weren't. but, then maybe we were both wrong because it's a very restricting thing. and obviously did not work out well. and maybe again, and most likely, it is only coming from insecurity which breeds jealousy. and both are evil evil snickering demons. well, i realize the problem but i don't think i can fix it on my own. it's sad how badly i need therapy. it's a sick sad thing. [next week on sick sad world...] i think i better get me fixed soon. here are my positive thoughts.
it's ok to be me, i'm an ok person.
i can be ok when everything is not ok. (this one is actually really hard for me - it would be the secret to life that i can't grasp. when things are not ok, i can't even remember anything ever being ok, nor can i foresee things ever being ok in the future. i just don't have that kind of perspective. can't see the big picture.)
it's ok to be me, i'm an ok person. (i need this one a lot)
everyone is different. my imperfections are what make me special (actually, i'm laughing because i think that's bullshit. just not believing that one.)
what else what else
i'm an ok person goddamnit.
it is fucking ok to be me.
eh.
i'm trying.
i'm an ok person, yeah? i mean, you don't all secretly hate me or something?
alright, if i'm not an ok person now, i will be one day.
one day, i will be an ok person.
and on that day and the days following, as long as i continue to be an ok person, it will be ok to be me.
i think it's working in reverse for me. i'm not good at anything.