this is a sad one
um i thought i gave up on livejournal.. but i guess i didn't. just like everything else in my life - i cannot quit once im attached. its the biggest fault i have, and i know my faults aren't YOUR fault. and i know its not your fault that i cant move on ever, i'm just ridiculous and im so sorry. im such a mess lately.. everything is a rollercoaster.. i fall in love too much- tooooooo much. with everything and everyone, because i think its all so beautiful... my friends are beautiful. i love you all. everyone of you.. in so many different ways. i love amanda for the way you can just feel so at home with her- i miss her. so much it scares me... and michele i love how michele reads me in so many ways... she is in so many ways one of the most mature people i know despite her perverted sense of humor.. and kim, i love.. i love kim in the most unexplainable way because we have been through so muchh.. so many badd things and bad situations(?) and i just knw her soul is pure and shed never intentional hurt me- i love these, my three bestfriends in the traditional sense of being female. and my boys, i cannot even begin.. its a dangerous love i have for them, a love i cannot balance sometimes, because i love them for so mcuh, and there so much- and i have so many guys i am just so privileged to know on such a personal basis. guys who you can just sit around and do nothing with for hours................... i cannot begin to explain the problems ive been having with emotions lately. i cant express the sadness i feel.. and its ridiculous because it seems like i should be so hapyp right now. things are.. relatively well.
my mom was (is) in rehab finally. i have no idea. her entire persona is hazy to me. i forget what she looks like, what she sounds like.. i have a few phrases that play as if on repeat in my memories.. i wake up crying some nights wishing i just had a mom, wishing i ever had one. wishing i had lived any other life so that maybe i would not be the coldhearted bitch of a sarcastic piece of dirtbag fucking- i hate what ive become. im such a hypocrite it makes me sick.. i go on and on about how much love means to me.. honesty.. poetry.. beauty.. i make a big deal about emotions and vulnerability and the delicacy of relationships, and meanwhile i am the last person who should talk.. i have turned off every aspect of my heart in my attempt to stop my mom from hurting me.. when i tried turning off the mom parts shed still find her way in, guilting me and poisoning every ounce of happiness i could achieve.. so i turned off entirely.. and i hate it.. i am a hypocrite, and i am weak..
i am falling apart-
and now more than ever i wish i knew a purpose- i cant bury myself in schoolwork lately. i cant even drag myself out of bed for school most days til 3rd or 4th period.. im hurting some good people i know too.. using them for the attention they can give me, when i have no intention to return the sentiment.. im becoming every shallow thing i have ever hated in people i see...
if i can make it through this week i will be happy.. i might take out all the money in my savings account and just go somehwere next weekend... unless im given a good reason to stay.. i've given up on that already, because im stubborn. when i say "a good reason" theres very few scenarios that will make me happy .. and i know they are impossible. the things im feeling are completly wrong to express NOW. i wasted all the time i should have spoken and now i have to suffer the unhappiness of regret... regretting being a coward.. and regretting submission to second-best once more..
i envy anyone who can show initiative, anyone who can get up and dance at a party without being selfconscious.. anyone who can just open their mouth and express exactly how they feel.. to who they are feeling it towards. i'm a moron for thinking ive grown to a better place - a place of maturity...
im restless with the lack of experiences in my life. everything piles into a folder that i cannot discuss. a life i lived which is extremely past tense. a life i lived but shouldnt remember, a life i will never regret but... i consider the sum of all the beauty ive ever known... so thats why this hurts so much...
this is such a ridiculosuly long entry. =(
<3