Info Post: The Post Cosmo Wishes It Could Be

[lickety_split]

WOMEN'S HEALTH POST: SEX ED FOR WOMEN (aka TMI Post)

Info posts may contain triggering elements, so please be mindful of the topic and read at your own discretion. Specific triggers and warnings are listed below, but if any additional warnings are needed please don't be shy about making the suggestion. Thanks!

SPECIFIC TRIGGER WARNINGS: Sexual

Comments

[aiffe]

It took me ages to develop "tastes" in people. I remember being in my early teens or so, and honestly being unable to tell the difference between "attractive" and "fugly." (I mean, some people were obviously fugly, but then some young popular musicians and actors were "attractive" for some and "fugly" for others, and I had no idea where I stood on it.) I mostly just borrowed my mom's tastes, because it was embarrassing to not have anyone to point to and say, "I find this person attractive." My mom is suuuper straight, and likes a fairly manly man, so I thought I liked men and muscles and masculinity, until a few years later when I was like, "....you know, I don't like any of those things. Even a little."

My tastes eventually turned out to be...a sort of striking, intense look, very much on the feminine/pretty side, but fierce rather than cute. It goes for men, women, and any other gender variety, but it's always leaning towards feminine gender expression, so I describe it as a "gay" attraction even though it sometimes includes men. (TBH I don't think I lose any gay cred by liking Andrej Pejic.) Though sometimes I just crush on a personality, and appearance doesn't even matter. The problem I have is answering the question: is this an aesthetic, or is it "attraction"?

If I had to have sex with someone, I would definitely want to pick someone in my "type." But it doesn't follow that with someone in my type, I want to get into their pants IRL. Nor do I generally think of pretty people when I masturbate. And I've heard some asexuals say that they find some people beautiful the way, say, a sunset or a mountain is beautiful. I am not sure it's really true that way with me. I do feel....drawn to them, a sort of charisma, which can be physical or mental or both, and there is definitely a DO LIKE or DO WANT response, it's just not at all specific about how I want them.

And I can get infatuated with people. I remember crushing pretty hard on this guy (and his girlfriend) and toying for like a year with the idea of making a move, saying something, as I felt fairly sure there was interest but he was very respectful of my boundaries, but at the idea of kissing it was just sort of badwrongno. I tried kissing with someone else years later, forced myself past the badwrongno until I got to "Okay, we're doing this, we're pretty good at it, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" but it was more like a skill I'd learned than something I did for its own sake, if that makes sense? Sex was kind of the same way. There was an elation, a "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO, THAT WASN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT" but eventually I realized I was only doing it because the social script told me doing it would be good.

And I've spent so much of my life trying to follow that social script, and trying to shoehorn my feelings into it, that I don't know if my feelings follow it or don't, half the time. Hell, once I thought about a boy when I was like, IDK, twelve, and then I wondered why I was thinking of him (he just randomly came into my mind) so I just tried to NOT think of him, but then it's like, think of a pink elephant, and then I wondered if this meant I was ~in love~, and I was horrified, because I didn't even particularly like this boy, he was just kind of there, and a bit annoying, but somehow I convinced myself I had a crush, because Girls My Age Have Crushes On Boys. I don't think I'd ever actually had a single positive feeling about him.

As for celebrities, they are even more removed from real life. If you're crushing on celebrities or fictional characters, I wouldn't even count that, because unless you know the celebrity personally, they're essentially just fantasy stock characters, and fantasy != real life.

My only advice to you is to just sincerely listen to yourself, instead of trying to find clues of this or that thing that you expect or have heard is normal. Don't go trying to prove or disprove them, just forget they exist and...listen.

[umi_mikazuki]

My parents are so confused by my whole... not caring at all to get into a relationship, or to even date, even if they don't really bother me about it. I honestly do not give a fuck about being single because I do not need an SO in my life to be happy, and my needs are well taken care of by myself. If it happens one day, that I do want to do physical stuff with somebody? Cool. But otherwise I am perfectly content with my (lack of a) sex life.

I'm just hesitant to actually label myself as asexual when I haven't even experienced anything physical yet with another person beyond hugs and cuddling on the couch. Right now it is a very strong possibility, and I don't really care, if that makes sense, what I am? It doesn't define me or negatively impact my life in any way, so why bother?

[aiffe]

*nod* And I think that's fine. That's how I felt for a while, and to an extent, how I still feel. I'm not driven at all to find a sexual partner, and I think it's entirely possible that I might never have another one, and I'm fine with that, but I don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibility that life could swing that way. I don't rule it out.

I think a lot of people are afraid of the asexual label because they think it's similar to celibate, and that calling yourself asexual is like taking a vow of celibacy, closing yourself off to any possible physical intimacy in the future, whether you later find any desire or not. I don't think it's like that at all. Sexuality is always fluid. Calling yourself straight doesn't mean you'll never be in a gay relationship, or vice versa. Asexuals do have relationships, some have sex, some end up later redefining themselves as gray-a or demisexual or even just sexual as they discover new parts of themselves. I don't think any sexual orientation is set in stone.

And labels aren't necessary unless you yourself feel they're useful. Sometimes it's nice to have a shorthand, or to try on labels to better understand yourself. Other times you need to just be, and not worry about trying to fit into any boxes.

Also, while sexual and romantic attraction are fine and lovely things, I do think that our society's fixation with not being single at any cost, and externalizing our self-worth is seriously unhealthy. Nobody needs to be in a relationship, okay? I'm sorry your parents are pressuring you. Not wanting to fling yourself into the arms of every passing stranger doesn't even make you asexual, it just makes you reasonable.

[umi_mikazuki]

Oh, no, it's not because of viewing it as a vow of celibacy or anything. I know that sexuality is fluid, and even though I identify as straight right now, I might one day find myself attracted to another woman, and I would be perfectly okay with that, just like I'd be perfectly okay with a physically intimate relationship in the future if I ever do want one. IDK, I just... don't really care about having strict definitions of what I am?

My parents don't pressure me either, which I am immensely grateful for. They just... shrug and say they don't get it when it happens to come up in conversation. I've heard my mom tell relatives over the phone about how she doesn't understand my not wanting to date, but she's okay with it and she's actually proud of the fact that I don't force myself to be in a relationship because society says it's bad for a 25 year old woman to be single/unmarried/childless.

Hahaha I hope I'm making sense!

[temperance_k]

This is an amazing comment, thank you! I still hesitate to say that I'm asexual, because I know once I say that, if I ever decide to enter into a relationship (sexual or not) later, people are going to tell me that I was Wrong and Misguided back then. And it's just... NO. I might not always identify as asexual, but right now, that's the label that makes me the most comfortable because I am SQUICKED when people try to push me to have sexual feelings about other people, and it's easiest for me to just say, "No, sorry, asexual."

So, thank you for saying that in such an eloquent way!

[alryssa]

I just want to thank you so very much for these comments. I've been tormented mentally for a LONG time, and been going through the whole 'there must be something wrong with me' headspace for so long because I really don't have a libido, but my partner is SO VERY easily turned on by just about anything, so it's been really rough for me. I've spent so much time in despair because I felt like I was broken, or abnormal, and I'm starting to come to the realisation that maybe I'm really not; it's just that hey, I may really not be into sex at all, and *that's okay*, not a sign that I need fixing.