My experience with a prostitute -- not the kind you're thinking of
Sometimes, feminist perspectives can be acquired at some of the most unlikely places and in some of the most unlikely situations. For me, a rich perspective on the sex work industry was acquired at a casino in Atlantic City a few days ago, with an escort with whom I spoke regarding her life, choices and challenges.
I was on vacation in Atlantic City - a two-week break from my year-long deployment in Iraq. At about 3 a.m., I ran into and eventually had drinks with a woman who I eventually brought up to my room, thinking this was going to be a mere casual hook-up, things that people do on vacation and in bars. Come to find out, before I initiated sex, and we were flirting, she told me that she is an escort and spends time with men for money. In short, it was the beginning of a business for pleasure transaction.
Though my mind was fogged with alcohol, red flags went up - firstly because I'd felt horrible that I'd taken an hour of this woman's time already, just talking to her, with the full intentions of having sex had she not been a sex worker. Secondly, I had never been in a situation like this before, and didn't know exactly what to do to tell her I had to intentions of buying her body for my own pleasure.
Having already wasted an hour of her time, with her assuming I knew she was an escort (a term she says she prefers), I made a deal: while I was most certainly sexually attracted to her, my values wouldn't allow me to actually pay to have sex with her. I would, however, pay for her time to listen to her story and learn something from a group of people I've spent to much learning about, yet never had never actually sat down and spoken with.
So there we sat, in my hotel room, and over Jack Daniels, talked about her life, choices and perspectives. She is new to the escort industry, she said - and became an escort after much careful consideration - mostly for the stigma that comes with sex work, but also consideration for the dangers she faced, and the way society and the government look upon her.
The series of events that propelled her into the escort industry started at 19, when she got pregnant with an abusive boyfriend - one who constantly physically and emotionally abusived her. Like many, she'd thought the birth of their child would change that, it did not. At 21, she made the decision to leave him, not only physically and emotionally, but to protect herself and their child, changed her address and became anonymous, thereby also not being able to claim child support.
She'd been going to school at the time for nursing, with the dreams of one day providing comfort for the sick, healing the wounded, and making the world better by taking care of others. But a sour economy, along with having to support a child, drove her to drop out of school. After having explored other options, she thought long and hard over entering the sex work industry and eventually did so.
"Men shouldn't feel bad about buying my time," she said. "They're helping me out, and it's my body, so it's my choice." But however much customers are helping her out financially, there is still stigma that comes with prostitution, she said.
"You're the first man to ever actually sit down and listen to me. My customers see me for my body - and what they can get out of it," she said, adding that she finds it problematic when society expects women to provide men pleasure, yet automatically write women off as "whores" when they actually make money and benefit from providing such pleasure.
But it isn't just society in general that looks down upon sex workers, she said. While most customers will either jump at the chance of paying her for sex, or chastising her for her profession, governments are also a part of the challenge she faces.
"One of the reasons I think the government have a problem with prostitutes is that no one dares advocating for legal prostitution, and if it's illlegal, they can't tax us, so they make criminals out of us," she said. "What we need is a movement to change people's minds, not of just prostitution but everything in general. People don't think enough for themselves."
Although the money provides her with the financial stability to support her son, she said she'd eventually like to go back to school, and continue to pursuit her dream of being a nurse. As for now, her nights are spent with strangers - mostly married men, in hotel rooms, providing them with pleasure.
At the end of our conversation, I gave her a hug and asked permission to write about her. She agreed and we exchanged contact information, so that when my vacation is over, I can do a more in depth interview and write about her.
Through this all, the one thing I've learned is that it is easy for the privileged to assume many things we don't know about sex workers. When we bring up the term, there are many images and stereotypes we tend to think of - but in reality, each sex worker is a human being, each different, and each with a different story. The woman with whom I spoke, at 22, is first off an intelligent and charming human being. Her profession comes second.
Yet, time and time again, we categorize sex workers - putting them all in the same group - and worst, many of us, feminists to be sure, write off prostitutes as contributing to patriarchy and the objectification of women. This, while true in our world of theories, does not reflect a reality of women's lives and the paths that took them from being human beings with thoughts and dreams, to being sex workers. By no means am I advocating that each sex worker is a victim of abuse, but I am saying that our conversations about the legality of sex work, and the security and benefits we need to provide sex workers, need to include women who are in the profession.
Instead, the voices in the sex work debate are of the Christian-right, who automatically write off any woman with her own sexuality as dirty, governments who speak of prostitution as a moral and health issue, yet do little to provide sex workers with the health benefits they need, and those of us who are against the objectification of women, and while claiming to be feminists, are so loud and bold with slut slamming these women that we never stop to hear their voices and stories.
In the end, the sex work debate is immaterial because unless we take care of other problems and challenges - violence against women, healthcare for all people, and providing young women and men with the access to education they need, we are failing to provide women with the variety of choices they deserve in enhancing their own lives, and as a result, we have no rights to make a stand on the sex work industry, other than supporting them with the choices they make.
Source.
I was on vacation in Atlantic City - a two-week break from my year-long deployment in Iraq. At about 3 a.m., I ran into and eventually had drinks with a woman who I eventually brought up to my room, thinking this was going to be a mere casual hook-up, things that people do on vacation and in bars. Come to find out, before I initiated sex, and we were flirting, she told me that she is an escort and spends time with men for money. In short, it was the beginning of a business for pleasure transaction.
Though my mind was fogged with alcohol, red flags went up - firstly because I'd felt horrible that I'd taken an hour of this woman's time already, just talking to her, with the full intentions of having sex had she not been a sex worker. Secondly, I had never been in a situation like this before, and didn't know exactly what to do to tell her I had to intentions of buying her body for my own pleasure.
Having already wasted an hour of her time, with her assuming I knew she was an escort (a term she says she prefers), I made a deal: while I was most certainly sexually attracted to her, my values wouldn't allow me to actually pay to have sex with her. I would, however, pay for her time to listen to her story and learn something from a group of people I've spent to much learning about, yet never had never actually sat down and spoken with.
So there we sat, in my hotel room, and over Jack Daniels, talked about her life, choices and perspectives. She is new to the escort industry, she said - and became an escort after much careful consideration - mostly for the stigma that comes with sex work, but also consideration for the dangers she faced, and the way society and the government look upon her.
The series of events that propelled her into the escort industry started at 19, when she got pregnant with an abusive boyfriend - one who constantly physically and emotionally abusived her. Like many, she'd thought the birth of their child would change that, it did not. At 21, she made the decision to leave him, not only physically and emotionally, but to protect herself and their child, changed her address and became anonymous, thereby also not being able to claim child support.
She'd been going to school at the time for nursing, with the dreams of one day providing comfort for the sick, healing the wounded, and making the world better by taking care of others. But a sour economy, along with having to support a child, drove her to drop out of school. After having explored other options, she thought long and hard over entering the sex work industry and eventually did so.
"Men shouldn't feel bad about buying my time," she said. "They're helping me out, and it's my body, so it's my choice." But however much customers are helping her out financially, there is still stigma that comes with prostitution, she said.
"You're the first man to ever actually sit down and listen to me. My customers see me for my body - and what they can get out of it," she said, adding that she finds it problematic when society expects women to provide men pleasure, yet automatically write women off as "whores" when they actually make money and benefit from providing such pleasure.
But it isn't just society in general that looks down upon sex workers, she said. While most customers will either jump at the chance of paying her for sex, or chastising her for her profession, governments are also a part of the challenge she faces.
"One of the reasons I think the government have a problem with prostitutes is that no one dares advocating for legal prostitution, and if it's illlegal, they can't tax us, so they make criminals out of us," she said. "What we need is a movement to change people's minds, not of just prostitution but everything in general. People don't think enough for themselves."
Although the money provides her with the financial stability to support her son, she said she'd eventually like to go back to school, and continue to pursuit her dream of being a nurse. As for now, her nights are spent with strangers - mostly married men, in hotel rooms, providing them with pleasure.
At the end of our conversation, I gave her a hug and asked permission to write about her. She agreed and we exchanged contact information, so that when my vacation is over, I can do a more in depth interview and write about her.
Through this all, the one thing I've learned is that it is easy for the privileged to assume many things we don't know about sex workers. When we bring up the term, there are many images and stereotypes we tend to think of - but in reality, each sex worker is a human being, each different, and each with a different story. The woman with whom I spoke, at 22, is first off an intelligent and charming human being. Her profession comes second.
Yet, time and time again, we categorize sex workers - putting them all in the same group - and worst, many of us, feminists to be sure, write off prostitutes as contributing to patriarchy and the objectification of women. This, while true in our world of theories, does not reflect a reality of women's lives and the paths that took them from being human beings with thoughts and dreams, to being sex workers. By no means am I advocating that each sex worker is a victim of abuse, but I am saying that our conversations about the legality of sex work, and the security and benefits we need to provide sex workers, need to include women who are in the profession.
Instead, the voices in the sex work debate are of the Christian-right, who automatically write off any woman with her own sexuality as dirty, governments who speak of prostitution as a moral and health issue, yet do little to provide sex workers with the health benefits they need, and those of us who are against the objectification of women, and while claiming to be feminists, are so loud and bold with slut slamming these women that we never stop to hear their voices and stories.
In the end, the sex work debate is immaterial because unless we take care of other problems and challenges - violence against women, healthcare for all people, and providing young women and men with the access to education they need, we are failing to provide women with the variety of choices they deserve in enhancing their own lives, and as a result, we have no rights to make a stand on the sex work industry, other than supporting them with the choices they make.
Source.