TEAL DEER SEXUAL NEUROTICISM ladypolitikAugust 14 2013, 15:48:20 UTC
I was the Mother of All late-bloomers as far as sexual activity is concerned (late 20s) and my parents nevertheless lost their shit in a somewhat similar fashion.
The worst part was that they were needling me and needling me for information and acted as though I should be comfy being honest. Silly me for being honest and actually trusting them. Boy, were they ever two-faced about it and made me feel like I should be ashamed.
But then, that's always been the pattern.
I still recall them getting furious at *ME* because they discovered a "love letter" in my knapsack, from a kid in the 4th grade who had a crush on me. They made it seem like I was hiding it and like, idek, having secret sex with him, or something? Yes, they pulled a rather terrifying "DONT EVER LET US CATCH YOU WITH THAT BOY" threat, too. Meanwhile, I was just mortified that a boy who I always considered just my playground guy-friend was professing his 4th grade love for me. So sharing the news with the folks wasnt exactly my first inclination. LOL. I was simply trying to process being embarrassed and mortified by the first-time experience of having a secret admirer (for whom I had no feelings, to boot).
But instead of processing it healthily, and feeling comfy asking my folks for advice, I avoided the boy like the plague for the rest of our time in elementary school, and would passive aggressively snap/yell at him every time he tried to approach me. The poor guy thought I was harshly rejecting him when really, I was convinced my parents would kill me if we ever breathed the same air.
I basically harboured deep levels of shame and internalized the whole situation as "you did something inappropriate to tantalize this TEN YEAR OLD BOY". And of course, going into my adolescence, I never went to my parents for advice about confusion over my developing body, my attraction to boys, sex ed -- none of that shit. I did that on my own (camping out in the sex ed section of the public library). Because I was convinced Id be met with some version of slut-shaming, otherwise.
Come to think of it, all this may partly inform why I was a late-bloomer (but it was also partly because my self-sex-ed exposed me to a lot of sex-positive books aimed at young women that combined "dont be ashamed!" with "dont feel pressured" advice).
In any case, today (at 31), Im very guarded about my love and sex life -- which I unabashedly enjoy very much because, I'd like to think, I resolved the internalized shame on my own -- but do not at all wish to share with my folks. I wont even introduce date prospects to my folks and opt to only let them know if and when Im in a serous relationship, or else engaged (if that ever happens). Beyond that, I seek sex/relationship advice from peers their age, or from my own friends. Which is pret-ty sad, but as far as Im concerned, *their* loss.
The worst part was that they were needling me and needling me for information and acted as though I should be comfy being honest. Silly me for being honest and actually trusting them. Boy, were they ever two-faced about it and made me feel like I should be ashamed.
But then, that's always been the pattern.
I still recall them getting furious at *ME* because they discovered a "love letter" in my knapsack, from a kid in the 4th grade who had a crush on me. They made it seem like I was hiding it and like, idek, having secret sex with him, or something? Yes, they pulled a rather terrifying "DONT EVER LET US CATCH YOU WITH THAT BOY" threat, too. Meanwhile, I was just mortified that a boy who I always considered just my playground guy-friend was professing his 4th grade love for me. So sharing the news with the folks wasnt exactly my first inclination. LOL. I was simply trying to process being embarrassed and mortified by the first-time experience of having a secret admirer (for whom I had no feelings, to boot).
But instead of processing it healthily, and feeling comfy asking my folks for advice, I avoided the boy like the plague for the rest of our time in elementary school, and would passive aggressively snap/yell at him every time he tried to approach me. The poor guy thought I was harshly rejecting him when really, I was convinced my parents would kill me if we ever breathed the same air.
I basically harboured deep levels of shame and internalized the whole situation as "you did something inappropriate to tantalize this TEN YEAR OLD BOY". And of course, going into my adolescence, I never went to my parents for advice about confusion over my developing body, my attraction to boys, sex ed -- none of that shit. I did that on my own (camping out in the sex ed section of the public library). Because I was convinced Id be met with some version of slut-shaming, otherwise.
Come to think of it, all this may partly inform why I was a late-bloomer (but it was also partly because my self-sex-ed exposed me to a lot of sex-positive books aimed at young women that combined "dont be ashamed!" with "dont feel pressured" advice).
In any case, today (at 31), Im very guarded about my love and sex life -- which I unabashedly enjoy very much because, I'd like to think, I resolved the internalized shame on my own -- but do not at all wish to share with my folks. I wont even introduce date prospects to my folks and opt to only let them know if and when Im in a serous relationship, or else engaged (if that ever happens). Beyond that, I seek sex/relationship advice from peers their age, or from my own friends. Which is pret-ty sad, but as far as Im concerned, *their* loss.
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