The infighting sucks. That's part of why I've stayed out of lgbtqi community-related stuff, aside from the fact that I still don't feel "bi-enough". I'll support local gay safehouses, like the coffee shop I try to get to, stuff like that, but I'm not really part of any societies or anything. I don't need more people telling me that I'm doing sexuality 'wrong'. heh.
I also hadn't thought about the recognizing abuse part.
My thing was always, okay, we're adults here... and we recognize that we're probably going to love more than one person, often in more than one way, sometimes even at one time. People say you have a soulmate, but there's 7 billion people on the planet! How depressing to think there's just one person out there for you!
I try to explain it to people: I like mango sherbet. I also like fudge ripple ice cream. Mango sherbet and fudge ripple are nothing alike, outside of being icy and delicious. BUT I LOVE BOTH! Equally! Just for different reasons! And the delicious fruityness of mango does not in any way diminish the delicious decadence of fudge! One is not better than the other. Why can't I just be honest with both mango and fudge ripple and tell them both that I like and want them both without a fight over which is better and "pick mango or fudge, you can't have both or you're a BAD PERSON". x.x
Oh. 'Polyamory'. Ok. That would make sense. There's a word for that? yaaaay! No need to be locked into a relationship with mango while longing for fudge ripple (or vice-versa)! So long as they both know about it and consent, I can have both in my life! Woohoo! There's no reason for people to cheat if they just admit that loving or just wanting to have sex with more than one person does not make them a bad person. It's the lack of getting informed consent from partners that gives a person shitty character.
But with poly relationships does come insecurity and drama. It isn't all hugs and roses. Everyone involved has to be very secure with themselves and honest with each other. It's a lot of work. Exponential amounts of work with each partner, really. It takes a certain attitude and dedication, and... it can be more exhausting than mono relationships. Rewarding, yes, but also exhausting. Definitely not something for everyone!
Oh lord, the infighting. It's to the point I am very cautious and do a lot of lurking in groups before I participate. Being poly and pansexual and have certainly had more involvement with women than men -- somehow it is all negated because I am married to somebody that they perceive as male (even though my partner IDs as genderqueer, apparently that doesn't matter even to the people who know about it). I mention my girlfriends a lot but somehow they do not matter, only the male-perceived or male-identified ones matter, and I am just as bad as a straight chick making out with a girl to get attention. And don't get me started on the "sleeping with the enemy" thing that I have heard WAY too many times from groups that also have a large feminist contingent. (Just to be clear: I ID as a feminist. I'm in a lot of queer feminist groups where this doesn't happen. I HAVE had it happen enough though that it is really fucking upsetting, especially since some are transphobic and qualify my trans women partners as male.)
Yeeeeah. Ugh. *throws up hands*
Poly certainly isn't perfect. There are advantages, but there are also disadvantages. It certainly is not for everyone. :)
I also hadn't thought about the recognizing abuse part.
My thing was always, okay, we're adults here... and we recognize that we're probably going to love more than one person, often in more than one way, sometimes even at one time. People say you have a soulmate, but there's 7 billion people on the planet! How depressing to think there's just one person out there for you!
I try to explain it to people: I like mango sherbet. I also like fudge ripple ice cream. Mango sherbet and fudge ripple are nothing alike, outside of being icy and delicious. BUT I LOVE BOTH! Equally! Just for different reasons! And the delicious fruityness of mango does not in any way diminish the delicious decadence of fudge! One is not better than the other. Why can't I just be honest with both mango and fudge ripple and tell them both that I like and want them both without a fight over which is better and "pick mango or fudge, you can't have both or you're a BAD PERSON". x.x
Oh. 'Polyamory'. Ok. That would make sense. There's a word for that? yaaaay! No need to be locked into a relationship with mango while longing for fudge ripple (or vice-versa)! So long as they both know about it and consent, I can have both in my life! Woohoo! There's no reason for people to cheat if they just admit that loving or just wanting to have sex with more than one person does not make them a bad person. It's the lack of getting informed consent from partners that gives a person shitty character.
But with poly relationships does come insecurity and drama. It isn't all hugs and roses. Everyone involved has to be very secure with themselves and honest with each other. It's a lot of work. Exponential amounts of work with each partner, really. It takes a certain attitude and dedication, and... it can be more exhausting than mono relationships. Rewarding, yes, but also exhausting. Definitely not something for everyone!
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Yeeeeah. Ugh. *throws up hands*
Poly certainly isn't perfect. There are advantages, but there are also disadvantages. It certainly is not for everyone. :)
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