My coming out story is pretty simple. All my life I've known, but didn't tell anyone for the longest time. I promised myself that I'd finally come out when I met a guy who was important to me and who I wanted to be a part of my family & vice-versa.
Then I meet my sweetie, and I kind of slipped on that promise to myself. It's so easy to do, to just be "good friends who do lots of stuff together." You know how it is. But my family is not stupid, and eventually (after a year or so) my sister sits me down and asks me, "So, we're all wondering, is there something more between you two?" And that was when I knew it was time. :) I told everyone in my immediate family. Mom cried which was a little bewildering but Dad said it was because she was happy for me, and then she was like, "can I tell my friends? I can't wait to email them!" So yeah, my family was totally cool with it. I even joke that they like my husbear more than they like me.
I did loose some good friends when I came out, but I guess that means they weren't that good of friends after all. IDK, it still hurts.
And over the next few years I learned something very important: Being in the closet, for me, was very toxic but I had no idea that it was toxic at all. It was like...you hide this thing, from everyone, because you're afraid if they knew they might not love you. And that eats away at you, because you start thinking "If only they knew, they wouldn't love me anymore" and from there it's a short trip to thinking you don't deserve the love you're getting. And I had that hanging over my head for so long that I literally got used to it. I got used to the idea that I don't deserve to have people love me because I was such a liar. Because I'm gay. I had internalized all of this and had no idea.
So when I came out it was one of the most affirming things that I did. Everyone still loved me because I do deserve it.
That's why I'm completely open about it now. It's cost me jobs, it's cost me promotions, it's got me spat on and yelled at and once it even got me threatened with a gun in my face. But I'm not going back in the closet because I deserve better. And now my entire family knows, and my co-workers know, and my friends know and it's all good. Really, really good.
Being out isn't for everyone. And that's okay, if you can't be out that's okay. Just don't fall into the same trap I did and start thinking you don't deserve to be loved, because you do.
Your paragraph about the toxicity of being in the closet and thinking/knowing that if you came out to your family then you might not really have them as a family anymore really hits home for me. It's the reason I haven't come out yet to them, even though my friends know.
I think it's okay to not be out to ALL THE PEOPLE, just beware that it has its dangers, and that toxicity is one of them. If I'd known about it I probably could have mitigated it but I didn't even know.
I can relate to all that. I let my family figure it out which worked well for me. Except my mother had to protect my father from the news--when he learned I was with a woman, he was hurt that it had been a secret and truly did not give a fuck about any stigma.
It is a great relief to just be open and immediate. It felt like I took off a time delay filter I had in my brain and no longer had to worry about passing as "normal" all the time. And, yeah, when you're that careful, the emotionally cautious, it's a lot harder to get close to anyone. IME :)
Definitely a lot harder to get close to anyone. For years I didn't socialize with co-workers because when you do that they want to talk about personal stuff and I didn't want to be in the position of having to lie about everything. For me it's been very freeing to be able to talk about my husband in every day conversation with my co-wokers. It's especially a relief because if there's an emergency and I need to go do something with my partner I can go to my manager and just tell the truth.
My coming out story is pretty simple. All my life I've known, but didn't tell anyone for the longest time. I promised myself that I'd finally come out when I met a guy who was important to me and who I wanted to be a part of my family & vice-versa.
Then I meet my sweetie, and I kind of slipped on that promise to myself. It's so easy to do, to just be "good friends who do lots of stuff together." You know how it is. But my family is not stupid, and eventually (after a year or so) my sister sits me down and asks me, "So, we're all wondering, is there something more between you two?" And that was when I knew it was time. :) I told everyone in my immediate family. Mom cried which was a little bewildering but Dad said it was because she was happy for me, and then she was like, "can I tell my friends? I can't wait to email them!" So yeah, my family was totally cool with it. I even joke that they like my husbear more than they like me.
I did loose some good friends when I came out, but I guess that means they weren't that good of friends after all. IDK, it still hurts.
And over the next few years I learned something very important: Being in the closet, for me, was very toxic but I had no idea that it was toxic at all. It was like...you hide this thing, from everyone, because you're afraid if they knew they might not love you. And that eats away at you, because you start thinking "If only they knew, they wouldn't love me anymore" and from there it's a short trip to thinking you don't deserve the love you're getting. And I had that hanging over my head for so long that I literally got used to it. I got used to the idea that I don't deserve to have people love me because I was such a liar. Because I'm gay. I had internalized all of this and had no idea.
So when I came out it was one of the most affirming things that I did. Everyone still loved me because I do deserve it.
That's why I'm completely open about it now. It's cost me jobs, it's cost me promotions, it's got me spat on and yelled at and once it even got me threatened with a gun in my face. But I'm not going back in the closet because I deserve better. And now my entire family knows, and my co-workers know, and my friends know and it's all good. Really, really good.
Being out isn't for everyone. And that's okay, if you can't be out that's okay. Just don't fall into the same trap I did and start thinking you don't deserve to be loved, because you do.
So that's my story.
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It is a great relief to just be open and immediate. It felt like I took off a time delay filter I had in my brain and no longer had to worry about passing as "normal" all the time. And, yeah, when you're that careful, the emotionally cautious, it's a lot harder to get close to anyone. IME :)
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