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TAKING UR INNOCENCE
CHAPTER 5 - UM, WUT.
With his newfound zombie Princess strength, Daniel picked up Jack.
"Now let's take you to the Temple," Richard continued. "Zombie doesn't smell good on you."
"I've, um... heard things about that Temple..." said Daniel tentatively.
Claire replied, "You are a scientist, are you not, your highness? Things must be proven empirically. Through sight. Through experience."
"Just like baking a honey glazed ham to perfection," said a mysterious voice. "Sometimes it takes more than one taste to make sure its cooked properly."
Everyone turned to look towards the dark, handsome stranger who had just appeared on the horizon.
His chest was scintillatingly bare and Daniel's eyes roved over the stranger's taut body. His rippling muscles enticed Daniel and he began to walk towards the stranger, as if in a delicious trance.
Ben stared back at Daniel with obvious desire, but decided not to act. He turned and slowly walked into a blazing sunset- his sillouhette being burnt into Daniel's failing memory forever.
But then in order to forget Ben's eternal beauty, Daniel decided to fantasise and imagined himself as the girl in Chris Isaak's 'Wicked Game' video, with Richard Alpert his hump partner. It was hot.
"Who... who was that...?" Daniel asked breathlessly.
"We were once..." Sir Richard trailed off with a wistful sigh. "But -- that was many years ago."
"So... are we going to go to the Temple or what?" Claire asked impatiently, stamping her foot down. "Innocence needs to be taken. By tonight."
"Patience, young Claire." said Richard, his voice as smooth as silk "We will reach the Temple by nightfall."
"Can we go, like, now then?" Claire was maddening and her cheeks glowed pink.
"Of course," Richard gave a slow smile and Claire swooned. After she had recovered herself, they journeyed towards the Temple.
The sun slowly set behind the trees. It grew cold and dark -
"Where's Desmond?" Princess Faraday finally asked. He looked around. "Wasn't he here traveling with us?"
"I'm right here, brotha," a sexy scottish voice purred in his ear. Princess Faraday could feel the strong knight's arms close around his manly zombie chest. "Did you miss me?"
Princess Faraday blushed.
Desmond asked, "So where are we going? Who's that brother with the eyeliner? Oh, hello, Jack and Claire."
Jack could barely hear the rugged tones of his dear Desmond through his tranquilized state. Still, Jack managed to smile.
It was impossible not to smile at Desmond. Jack remembered the passionate clinch that they had shared in the showers in the hatch and sighed in both recollection and pleasure. It was futile though, as Desmond was with the woman he loved and Jack, well, he was alone once again.
"Hello, Desmond, I'm Richard," Richard said, taking a quick glance to inspect the Scotsman's manly frame. "We're heading for the Temple. Jack's innocence needs to be taken."
Desmond smirked. "Are you sure you're not too late for that, brother?"
"What do you mean?" asked Richard, his dark eyes widening in surprise. "If this is true then I may not be able to save him."
"Is he gonna dyee than brutha?" Desmond's pitch raised, giving away the fear in his heart that Jack would not be ok.
Desmond rested his head on Daniel's available shoulder.
"Well, Richard...the man was married before..."
"I-I see." Richard looked at the floor, contemplating his next move.
"Is tha' a problem?" Desmond looked at Richard inquisitively
"Well, it does tend to work best when the person is completely...ah...innocent." Richard glanced at Jack, who was sobbing quietly.
Richard thought for a second.
"I don't think we'll need the Temple for this job," Richard said. "Princess, bring us to the Faraday Cage."
So Faraday did as Richard said and rolled the cage into the clearing. It was adorned in all things fit for a princess: glitter, unicorns and quantam physics equations.
"Whatever do you need the Faraday Cage for?" Asked Claire, who everyone had forgotten about.
Princess Faraday was too embarassed to say anything but, "Some things need the right atmosphere."
"Ah see..." growled Desmond, who then pushed Jack into the cage as Richard unbuttoned his shirt.
"Is that really necessary?" Whined Jack
"Just as I said," Faraday looked meaningfully at Jack, Richard and then back at the cage, "some things need the right atmosphere."
Jack gulped in anticipation as Richard entered the cage.
Claire sat down outside the cage, picking the perfect place to sit to catch all the action.
She truly was a saucy minx. Supping on her popcorn, she relaxed and watched Richard circle Jack in the cage.
"Are you afraid, Jack?" Richard asked, his smooth voice flling all of Jack's nooks and crannies.
Jack could only manage a pathetic wimper as Richard drew closer and closer. He could feel his presence but didn't know what to expect. What exactly did it mean to lose his innocence?
Faraday started wiping Jack's tears, but soon found that his wiping touches soon became caresses.
Richard ran his hands through Jack's luxuriantly thick hair.
As he ran his hand's through Jack's hair, a fire started to burn in the pit of Richard's stomach. It was a stirring that he had not felt for hundreds of years. The pull of unadulterated lust. He could not believe that it was this man, this pathetic man, that had brought the feeling back. He parted his lips and lent down to kiss Jack, forcing his tongue into the recesses of the other man's mouth. Jack complied and kissed Richard back with vigour and hunger.
Daniel and Desmond withdrew and held each other, trembling before the sight of the master at work.
As Richard deftly plunged his tongue in and out of Jack's mouth, Desmond watched in awe. He turned to Daniel and asked "Well, what d'ya think brutha? Can we beat them?"
Daniel searched Desmond's eyes and found only desire with a hint of remorse. Daniel was uncertain. He had never kissed a man before. It would be a strange, new experience for him. Nevertheless, he gave into his burning desire and succumbed to Desmond's undeniable charm. Their lips met and danced like butterflies, Desmond was surprisingly gentle with Daniel, who soon eased into a comfortable rhythm with the Scot.
Richard, in the midst of his passion noticed this turn of events and beckoned them over to where he was straddling Jack.
Richard, having become an expert at seduction in his many years had no trouble in convincing Daniel and Desmond to join him. They meekly walked over and entered the cage. Once inside they felt that the rules of the outside world did not apply, they felt totally free...and totally horny.
Once Daniel and Desmond had sauntered over, it was down to business. No more Mr nice Richard. He gruffly grabbed Desmond by the collar and kissed him with such a fervent passion that Desmond was caught off guard. He soon caught on to what was happening and gave as good as he got, sliding his hand up Richard's inner thigh, eliciting a gasp from his sensuous mouth.
Daniel watched this, his eyes hungry with curiosity. He leant in closer and kissed Desmond when Richard pulled back to catch his breath. The kiss was cool and tender, much unlike Richard's subsequent kiss which was fiery and consuming. Daniel felt himself inexplicably pulled into this man's consciousness, he needed to be one with him.
Just as things were heating up between the two men, who were now proudly naked, they remembered that Jack was still in the cage. The sound of his crying was a bit of a mood killer so they tossed him out of the cage and pounced hungrily on eachother, sliding about in a muddle of sweat and desire.
Claire looked at Jack, who was lying pathetically on the floor and felt sorry for him. She decided to cover his eyes as she enjoyed her very own peep show.
Daniel was the first to emerge from the tangled mass of testosterone. He panted and stared blankly at the sky, muttering endless nothings. Although he was exhausted, Desmond wasn't about to allow Faraday to miss out on the fun and decided to pull him back with one long kiss.
MEANWHILE, OVER IN AWKWARD SEXUAL ADVANCES-VILLE...
But somehow, Sawyer only managed to cuff himself to Miles. "Well at least you can't escape now"
Miles sobbed softly as Sawyer began doing suggestive pelvic thrusts in his direction.
Then Juliet walked in.
"I could hear you guys," Juliet said. "You forgot the rope."
"Thanks, Blondie" purred Sawyer as he took the rope and began to suggestively stroke it.
Miles was none too pleased with the cowboy's suggestive behaviour and searched desperately for a way out. However, Sawyer, noticing Miles' roving eyes decided to try to entice him into staying...
Sawyer snaked his hand around Miles' waist, pulling him closer.
"Jim, I don't think this-"
"Stop being so skittish," Sawyer whispered, his tongue grazing the cone of Miles' ear. " - and take off your clothes."
Miles could feel Sawyer's heavy breathing in his ear and succumbed to his desire. He slowly began to unbutton his shirt and slid it off his shoulders with casual ease.
Sawyer's eyes drunk in all the intoxications of Miles' body and his pulse raced in communion with Miles' as the younger man removed his trousers.
“Now that’s more like it,” Sawyer said. He ripped his clothes off dramatically, scattering the buttons of his shirt around-”
“OW!” Miles said, rubbing his eye and fighting back mears. “One of your buttons hit my eye!”
"Son of a bitch, any time I'm about to get some - somethin' goes wrong. Fuck this island," Sawyer said, snatching his shirt and walking away with the rope, leaving Miles naked and sniffling.
Just then Juliet re-entered the room. She took note of Miles' erection and said, "Well... I can help you with that."
Miles smirked. "Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?" Juliet smirked. "Oh you know how." Miles smirked back. Then Juliet. Miles. Smirk. Smirk. Smirk.
Smirk smirk smirk smirk sm--
"DUDE".
Hurley cut into the smirking, having left his mom to take on Miles' miles. "It's Miley!"
"Hello, Hurley." Juliet said. "I guess you want to find out what we did those three years."
"Only if it's sexy," Hurley answered. "Oh, and involves ranch dressing or garlic mayo."
"Well, Hurley...some people find cooking sexy so we're going to have a BAKE OFF!"
"BRING IT ON" Hurley cried, throwing his all into creating a delectable array of Dharma Sandwiches. Juliet responded by...burning the muffins.
Jacob appeared and declared Hurley the winner
"Dude." said Hurley, gobsmacked as Jacob handed him his prize...
"You're very special, Hurley," Jacob said.
"Wow, thanks man." Hurley grinned through a mouthful of sandwiches.
"That's quite alright, Hurley. Now, come with me to the beach where I can show you just how special you really are." Jacob implored Hurley to follow him and Hurley was complicit- there was just something magnetic about that man.
Juliet, Sawyer, and Miles watched Jacob take Hurley away. They wondered, who was that man?
Sawyer remembered being touched by him. The other two didn't and felt vaguely left out.
"Don't worry, I'll make up for lost time." Purred Sawyer as he shook his mane of golden hair suggestively
"Not again." Shouted Miles exasperatedly
Juliet and Sawyer each took one of Miles' arms.
And dragged him to the "rape caves" as Shannon had so expertly dubbed them. It was time for a bit of fun of their own.
Except Sawyer had a change of heart on the way there as he realised that sex should be between two consenting adults and not forcibly done in a murky cave. So they stopped for a rest.
Then they got to the business of nudging Miles towards consenting thoughts.
"Hey, Miles. What's your ultimate fantasy?" Sawyer implored him to give an answer, using his hand to gently stroke Miles' upper thigh.
"Uh...uh...isn't that a little personal?" Miles stuttered in a way reminiscient of Daniel Faraday (RIP)
"Well, do you want me to let you in on what ours is?" asked Juliet, kneeling down on Miles' other side. She took Miles' stunned silence as an order to continue. "It's having a threesome out here in the hot, steamy jungle. What do you think, hm?" She whispered in his ear, her hot breath tickling his neck and he felt a stirring down below.
Then Juliet took off her shirt.
Miles was dumbfounded. He had never seen such beauty, such perfection in a woman. Sawyer caught him staring and instead of being jealous, relished Miles' lust. He was comfortable enough in their relationship to know that this strip tease was just for him.
The two men eagerly ripped off their shirts and basked in their communal nudity in the humidity.
Juliet, sat in her bra, turned to the two men, cocked an eyebrow and asked "Well, aren't you going to reciprocate?"
"So it begins." Sawyer lent in to kiss Juliet in their very familiar way. That's what living with someone for three years does to you, you get to know everything about them, exactly how to please them, and Sawyer aimed to please. Miles was astounded at the incredible sexual energy that flew between the two of them. He felt like he could not possibly emulate that. Sawyer told him not be such a baby and dragged him towards them.
MEANWHILE, AS I CURL UP IN A FETAL POSITION AND WEEP SOFTLY...
And so Hurley followed Jacob to the beach, where they encountered the 4-toed statue. Hurley was amazed by its gravitas but Jacob strolled nonchalantly towards its base- eyes coaxing Hurley into following him.
Hurley wanted to say, "You live in a foot?" But he knew he had to keep quiet.
As absurd as the statue was, he swallowed his questions and followed Jacob into his chamber. He was stunned by the simplicity of the room, the intricacy of the tapestry and the ominous shadows that the fire was throwing across it.
"That must've taken a while to make, dude." Hurley turned to look at Jacob, who had mysteriously disappeared.
"Hey man, where'd you go?" Hurley was scared
"Right over here, Hugo." Echoed an ominous voice. With dread, Hurley turned aorund to come face to face with...
MR FRIENDLY IN A MR CLUCK'S CHICKEN SHACK COSTUME!
Hurley could not resist.
Jacob watched from the shadows. This was all supposed to happen.
"So...err...d'you come here often?" Hurley tentatively asked.
"I'll be coming often enough...if you catch my drift." Mr Friendly winked as he spoke and licked his lips.
Jacob shivered with anticipation.
Hurley let Mr. Friendly kiss him on the hand.
The feathers of the costume felt so smooth.
Hurley was used to the much rougher hands of Charlie. The callouses that he had aquired from playing the guitar had sometimes been too rough for Hurley's skin but Tom's hands were so skilful and so deft.
The feathers only added to Hurley's heightened enticement. He felt completely satsified in the moment that Mr Friendly began to lower his trousers and his breath quickened as Mr Friendly lost his costume to reveal an enviable figure. Hurley sighed in ectasy.
Jacob pulled out his loom, sitting in a position where it was best to watch. He was always most productive at times like these.
Things were getting hot and heavy between Hurley and Mr Friendly. They were both stripped to their underwear, heaving and visibly excited. Hurley didn't know where to look. Mr Friendly smiled at Hurley and gently laid him on the floor. Hurley looked into Tom's eyes and trusted him. He knew that he would never hurt him. With that, they shared a lingering kiss. Mr Friendly was very playful and Hurley groaned for more.
Jacob wished he could relieve his tensions with his former rival in a similar fashion.. Alas, it was not meant to be.
As Jacob sat and wove as Hurley and Mr Friendly made sweet, sweet love, he remembered a time when he once loved somebody that much. It had been a long time since he had been fully satisfied in the way that only a penis can satisfy you. He decided to get in on the action.
But he stopped himself just before he intruded on their private show of affection. He watched their glistening bodies writhe and arch and felt satisfied that he was here to witness this glorious vision. He needed nothing else and left his chamber, and the two men, to their own devices.
As Jacob exited the statue, the fresh sea breeze hit him and left a tangy taste in his mouth. He sighed and looked out to sea, remembering the day that he had first seen the Black Rock off shore and how it had brought with it his faithful sex slave Richard Alpert.
As he was consumed with his memories, his rival mysteriously appeared behind him and put a hand over his mouth.
"Don't speak." He whispered as he turned to face Jacob and they fell into a passionate clinch.
When Jacob awoke to the sunrise and sand in places he didn't know existed he noticed that his lover was gone. He sighed, resignedly and began to pick up his clothes. He noticed that a piece of paper fell out of the folds of his shirt and decided to read it.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN... TIME? I THINK?
The Hurley bird screamed.
Hurley shook with fear at the crazyness that is the Hurley bird.
The Hurley bird grew three times its size.
"You may know me as the Smoke Monster," boomed the bird. "But my real name is this..."
"RON JEREMY."
Hurley passed out. Something was tugging at his pants.
"Hurley, I really don't wanna finagle your wangle-dangle. If you know what I'm sayin'."
Hurley woke up just as the Hurley Bird known as Ron Jeremy had cut through to his boxer shorts with its razor sharp beak.
"Ah!!" Hurley screamed, gathering his tattered garments and shuffling into the jungle.
Hurley shuffled for a while until he came across the ashes of Jacob's cabin. Annoyed that he could no longer use it for any semblance of shelter, Hurley carried on walking. However, unbenownst to him, he was being watched from behind a tree...
"Why do I get a feeling I'm being watched?" Hurley asked himself aloud. He shuddered. "And why am I talking to myself?"
He glanced around in the jungle, suddenly feeling frightened and alone. "Umm... is there anyone there?"
Carmen Reyes emerged from behind the tree. "Hugo - you should have told me you were on vacation."
"Mom? What are you doing here?" Hurley was bemused.
"I used your lottery money to go on a luxury holiday and this is where I ended up! I've already been attacked by a polar bear, met a man who wanted to 'take my innocence' and been chased through the jungle by a wisp of smoke. I will not have it 'ugo!"
"Well... I guess you're stuck here now."
"What do you mean?"
"We... haven't really been able to find a way off the island yet."
Mama Hurley blinked rapidly, trying to register what she had just heard, and then broke into tears.
"Sorry mom, I'd help you out, but dude, I've got something to do." Hurley tromped off through the jungle in search of his man-love.
Carmen was left all alone in the jungle. Well, unless you count the apparitions of dead people.
"So..'sup?" Boone asked Carmen, munching on some psychadelic paste. Next to him, Ana Lucia and Libby were poking fingers in each others stomach wounds, giggling.
Carmen stumbled back.
"You're...too young for me. You're all too young for me!"
Boone licked his zombie lips and advanced on the older, experienced woman "But..." he smirked "I heard you have needs?"
"Boone!" a voice cried out.
Zombie Locke ran into view.
"I lost Ben, now you too?"
"I'm sorry John but you sent me to my death. How could I possibly love you after that?" Boone looked downcast and Locke felt a pang of guilt.
"That didn't stop Ben from loving me!" Locke cried out, causing birds in the clearing to fly from the trees in fright.
Carmen felt compelled to stay and watch. She had her telenovela needs too.
"Well if Ben loves you unconditionally then where is he now?" Boone fumed, his lips pursed in an angry snarl. He was furious with the older man, after all he had done for him, after all he had done with him... It disgusted him that John had moved on so quickly. He turned to walk away
"Boone, wait!" Locke called out in desperation.
"No, John. I'm following my own path." Boone disappeared into the jungle and a frenzied Locke followed him, calling for his lost love.
Carmen was not happy about being left without a spectacle to watch, so she got up. However, she found an arm on her shoulder, pushing her back down. It was Shannon.
"Don't even bother going after him. He always throws these fits. He loves the attention. Frickin' drama queen." She rolled her eyes.
But noone ever really listened to Shannon so Hurley's Mami raced after Locke and Boone. But she ran into Mr Eko on the way, who had something very interesting to tell her.
"Woman," Mr. Eko said. "You should not be exerting yourself so much. Your baby is soon to arrive."
Carmen was shocked. "What baby?"
She felt her stomach. So that wasn't just all extra pounds.
"But how?" Carmen said. "My husband hasn't been taking his medication for mucho, mucho tiempo. Why do you think I took a vacation by myself?"
Mr. Eko replied, "It happened...when you looked at that Iraqi lyind unconscious, on your couch."
The contractions began.
"Ah mi dios!" Cried Carmen. She could not believe that she was giving birth in the jungle to another man's baby. She felt a bit like Mary. This gave her solace during her labour.
Mr Eko was an excellent nurse and tended to her needs and even christened the baby when it was finally born.
Mr. Eko asked, "What will you name the child?"
“I will call him... Horace. Horace Goodspeed. Due to the fact that I wish him goodspeed in life and I just like the name Horace. It sounds a bit like Horus...”
Then Bernard popped up "What??! So does that mean that Carmen is Horace's mother? And Hurley is his brother???!?"
"That would also make Sayid the father!" Rose interjected
Sayid was not pleased about this and refused to see the baby. He insisted that he was too busy solving island mysteries, but really he was just solving a sudoku.
But he messed up the sudoku, in the same way that he messes up all his relationships, by accidentally witnessing its death. He mourned the sudoku for a while but then soon moved on to an alluring crossword.
WILL SAYID EVER FINISH HIS PUZZLE? WILL THE FARADAY CAGE BE ABLE TO CONTAIN THOSE LEVELS OF SEXY? WILL MADELINE MAY EVER FIND ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR:
TAKING UR INNOCENCE