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TAKING UR INNOCENCE
CHAPTER 2 - NO ONE EXPECTS AN OILY BEN
AT THE PARKING GARAGE...
Locke smiled slyly, as Juliet and Horace attempted to quietly back out of the garage.
"Oh, you're not going anywhere," said Locke to the two, as Ben poured engine grease all over himself.
"I'll show you who's the work man around here," Ben growled through the greasy curtain of sexyness dripping down his chest.
Juliet uneasily walked back into the parking garage. "Um... what exactly am I supposed to do?"
Locke shrugged. "I dunno. Go make muffins or something."
"And take your top off!" yelled Ben frantically, slipping a little on all the engine grease.
Juliet paused. "Oh. Like this?" she said as she put on a modest sweater she had tied around her waist.
Ben facepalmed, splattering oil everywhere, as Locke made Horace uncomfortable with his ~bedroom eyes~. Horace sighed, rolled his eyes, and pulled the emergency alarms.
This startled Ben, who gave a loud, girlish shriek and ran naked from the parking garage - only to run smack-dab into Richard.
Richard, his thick eyelashes startlingly beautiful, shocked Ben into putting his clothes back on.
Suddenly, OMG WTF A POLAR BEAR.
"Down, Harold," Richard said to the polar bear, his eyes never leaving Ben's form. Harold stood still as Richard gracefully hopped on its back, before holding his delicate hand out to a bewildered, greasy, clothed, horny Ben.
"Join me, Benjamin, as I forge a new destiny for myself atop this majestic beast." Ben pondered the offer a moment.
Ben was just about to join Richard and prance off into the sunset as he heard a voice from behind him shout, "BENJAMIN, WAIT, NOOO!"
Ben spun around on his heel. "Vincent?!?!"
"YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOU DO, BENJAMIN!" barked Vincent. "COME WITH ME AND I CAN SHOW YOU THE SECRET OF BEING."
Ben looked from Vincent, to Richard, to the polar bear, and finally at his hands. He didn't know what to do.
"You know what to do, Benjamin," whispered Vincent; and Ben DID know.
He once again looked from Vincent, to Richard, and to the polar bear, and sighed deeply. It was time.
Or was it?
Suddenly, who should gallop in riding a polar bear but Zombie!Paulo, screaming and brandishing a jousting pole.
Paulo brandished a soccer ball from his messenger bag. Then Paulo and Eko commenced playing ~futbol~.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL" shouted an unseen Hispanic football announcer.
Miles smiled, "Oh, look! It's one of those unecessary characters, Caeser!" Ceasar, a ghost, rolled his eyes at Miles. "I'm not Hispanic, you twat."
BACK IN THE JUNGLE, AND BECAUSE MILES APPARENTLY CAN EXIST IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE...
"How did you get over here so fast, weren't you just at the beach?" moaned Miles, rubbing his sore face. "Screw it, I think I need a doctor!" moaned Miles.
A telephone rang.
Miles wondered how exactly a telephone came to be in a jungle, but he didn't have time to wonder too long. The horse from before barreled towards the group, eyes red, nose puffing.
"NEEEIIIGHHHHHHH!"
"AUGH!" screamed Miles, who jumped out of the way, grabbed the phone, and landed on top of a randomly appearing Claire all the the same sexy time.
"Don't bring him back, Kate!!" Claire screamed, leaving Miles wondering just who this blonde woman was, and also why she was screaming about a 'him' and Kate.
"I'm not Kate, Kate's a girl," said Miles; Claire furrowed her brow, before murmuring, "Prove it."
Miles lowered his voice another register and repeated: "I'm not Kate, Kate's a girl."
"Oh. Teehee!" giggled Claire, before prancing back off into the jungle, nearly tripping over and unconscious Hurley as she left.
Hurley groaned. "Urgghhh...."
Hurley's groan mixed with another one, as Zombie!Eko came lumbering out of the jungle, with Zombie!Kate being dragged behind him as she clung to his ankles.
Miles looked up at the zombies, then down at the phone in his hand, then over to Hurley. He knew what he had to do.
He ran.
He ran and he ran and he ran, away from the groaning, away from Hurley's terrified screams.
As he ran he flailed his arms and sobbed openly, "PAPA! WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME, PAPA?!"
Suddenly, he ran into a familiar figure.
"Miles," the figure said, "I need you."
There stood Desmond, blue shirt unbuttoned and hair blowing in the breeze. Desmond smirked.
Miles was stunned. "What are you doing here?"
"Walt? Is it really you?" Hurley sputtered in disbelief.
Walt and Desmond stood there, looking very Batman and Robin - mostly because they were both wearing capes.
The island had had enough.
"Okay, okay. Seriously, you guys. Seriously. Show's over. Quit the shenanigans."
"WE DON'T GET TO HAVE ANY FUN AROUND HERE," screamed Walt. Suddenly, every bird in the vicinity dropped dead.
"You're not listening!" Walt chided.
Jack collapsed out of the jungle, very much alive. "Help... Me..." A fountain of Jears slid down Jack's stupid face.
Except it wasn't a stupid face; far from stupid; the furthest from stupid. "Kate.. She found me.. I hate that bitch.."
AND IN SOME NIGHTMARE INDUCING CROSSOVER...
Gatekeeper Willy and Desmond made sweet, sweet Scottish love.
...and then Des motorboated him. Gatekeeper and Groundskeeper Willy grabbed Desmond's buttocks and moaned.
Groundskeeper Willy awoke from his dream.
WILL MILES EVER FIGURE OUT CESAR'S ETHNICITY? WILL ZOMBIE-KATE DRIVE JACK TO FURTHER INSANITY? WILL WE EVER FIGURE OUT HOW VINCENT IS TALKING?
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, THURSDAY, AT 9, FOR:
TAKING UR INNOCENCE
(That's right... we have a set time now. BE THERE OR BE JACK.)