Zlatan kick victims get together and make voodoo doll, stick him in the hip during PSG vs Bastia
It's your favourite French billionaire news (injury) round-up! Brought to you by one of two fans on ONTD-FB :D
(Sorry in advance if my cuts are fucked up, first time posting to LJ and I don't know what the hell I'm doing)
#DaretoZlatan was forced to leave the pitch just 15 minutes into the match against known headbutting sympathisers SC Bastia after his body gave into old age and his hips tragically collapsed. Just kidding! Grampa Ibra suffered a partial tear of the left oblique muscle of the 12th rib after he tried to Ryu Hayabusa the ball away from a defender. Did anyone else think an oblique was some sort of vase? Or some clay-based furniture? Well, tearing anything that isn't paper or a Taco Bell sauce packet sounds terrible so let's all #PrayforZlatan's quick recovery.
"Does he smell like moth balls?"
Fellow PSG teammates Marco 2Short Verratti and Edinson UruBAEy Cavani look on awkwardly as Old Man Ibra breaks down in tears.
You can have a picture of him on his back and in some tights.
Gregory van der Biel has suffered a fracture of the second lumbar vertebra after being kneed in the back by notorious headbutt-and-run enthusiast/criminal Marlon Brandão. PSG have asked fans worldwide to be on the lookout and to stay alert as Brandão has been known to lurk in areas where he knows his victims frequent, both on and off the pitch.
"We fear for the safety of our supporters," PSG president Nasser Al-Khelaifi said in a statement exclusive to ONTD-FB TV. "He is wild and dangerous. Before it was Thiago Silva's ankle and Cabaye's throat, today it was Gregory's back and Motta's nose. What next? Who is next? Paris is not safe we need to evacuate. Someone warn Kanye."
In a friendly against Napoli, in which PSG secured a 2-1 win, Thiago Silva's uglycute ass flopped and fucked up his hamstring. Now he's out for several weeks and this means I won't get to see him play against Colombia in September. I'm pissed and rethinking our whole relationship. I got into Ligue 1 for you and this is how you repay me? I stood by you even after you pulled that dumbass stunt and got a red card which meant the world got to see what a mess my Perfect Bae™ David Luiz is without you there to back him up. You can go sleep on the couch with Iker, tbh.
Oh, the press also slandered the good sis Blanc because they thought it was too soon for Silva to make his return. Blanc got tired and was just like, "Look, y'all are not gone let this shit be, so blame me. I did it, bitch. I put him back on the pitch and now he's hurt. Shut up. End story. Next question."
In more Thiago news, following the vicious!! assault on his teammate and name thief, Thiago Motta, the PSG captain took to instagram to spill some Truth Teas™ and call out Bobble-head Brandão:
“I want to know how many will match ban this guy … an unfair guy all the time !! Who wants to talk all the time instead of playing !! If I took 3 three games there 2 years for touching the referee … Imagine aggression like that !!! The fourth official has seen it all, I was at his side when the guy attacked our player. “
Expose ha, Thiago.
Everybody knows about Motta and his nose that got blooped so let's skip right on over to the highlight of this post - PSG's 50mil Wandering Defender/Actual Sunshine, David Luiz!
David Luiz successfully completed his confusing as hell 50mil transfer from Chelsea to Paris Saint-Germain! And because I'm almost at the end of the post and I'm running out of quality journalism juice, here's some photos from the press conference they held.
Embed code won't work so links after:
https://twitter.com/PSG_inside/statuses/497330221721612290
He has inherited the no. 32 jersey, last held by David Beckham who ended his career with the Parisian giants in the 2012/13 season.
https://twitter.com/PSG_inside/status/497331517480534016/photo/1
Nasser introduced David as the "best defender in the world" and everyone laughed. Including me. Sis, I know you're a stan like me but I'm gonna need you to stop. How could you say that when Thiago Silva plays for you? Lmao I know you want to feel good about this purchase but I need you to chill. I think he was joking... Anyway! David commented on Mou's libel and slander (Mou pls :-(), his performance at the World Cup, how excited he is to be at PSG, the fact that his jersey is 23 when backwards, looking forward to the future, signed some shit, made me wish I wasn't a flop Brasilian and could speak/understand Portuguese, etc.
David made his debut for Paris in their friendly against Napoli (which I streamed on my phone at work, got me out here using up my 10GB of data), and his Ligue 1 debut against SC Bastia. His performance wasn't anything special in both matches, but he held it together so I'm proud of him. #Bless. Sunshine McGee also came for Brandão's wig.
"We have a great job in the world to show a good example inside and outside the pitch. I think many kids in the world want to be us so they know about everything. That is not part of football. I don't agree with this. Sometimes on the pitch you are more vulnerable with something and they speak bad things but that's normal in football. But when you wait for someone outside the pitch to do a bad thing, I think that's not [acceptable]. That's not part of football. So I'm not happy with this because, after that, everyone in the world knows about this and, like I told you, that's so important when you give a nice example for the kids."
Get ha together, sis!!
Also, there's a HQ video with a different angle of the aftermath here where there's a shirtless Cavani and Lavezzi. /shrugs
Not a great way to start the season as you all can see.
Anyway, that's all I can manage for now. I don't see as much about Paris Saint-Germain (which is understandable, I know L1 can be boring as fuck) on here, so I figured I'd try to do something for these butts! Sorry if this post is OTT, I didn't want to copy and paste stuff from other sites and thought it'd be best to throw in humour.
source for david's statement
source for the pictures of ibra
source for the other video even though it's not even in the post
also unrelated to the post, I'm going to see Brasil vs Colombia in Miami on 5 Sep and I'm scared I'll be sat in a section with mostly Colombians. ride or die for Brasil but I'm not trying to get punched for the NT. I know way too many people who are still pissed about the WC match.
mods, let me know if I need to fix anything!! I hope I didn't fuck things up too badly.
(Sorry in advance if my cuts are fucked up, first time posting to LJ and I don't know what the hell I'm doing)
#DaretoZlatan was forced to leave the pitch just 15 minutes into the match against known headbutting sympathisers SC Bastia after his body gave into old age and his hips tragically collapsed. Just kidding! Grampa Ibra suffered a partial tear of the left oblique muscle of the 12th rib after he tried to Ryu Hayabusa the ball away from a defender. Did anyone else think an oblique was some sort of vase? Or some clay-based furniture? Well, tearing anything that isn't paper or a Taco Bell sauce packet sounds terrible so let's all #PrayforZlatan's quick recovery.
"Does he smell like moth balls?"
Fellow PSG teammates Marco 2Short Verratti and Edinson UruBAEy Cavani look on awkwardly as Old Man Ibra breaks down in tears.
You can have a picture of him on his back and in some tights.
Gregory van der Biel has suffered a fracture of the second lumbar vertebra after being kneed in the back by notorious headbutt-and-run enthusiast/criminal Marlon Brandão. PSG have asked fans worldwide to be on the lookout and to stay alert as Brandão has been known to lurk in areas where he knows his victims frequent, both on and off the pitch.
"We fear for the safety of our supporters," PSG president Nasser Al-Khelaifi said in a statement exclusive to ONTD-FB TV. "He is wild and dangerous. Before it was Thiago Silva's ankle and Cabaye's throat, today it was Gregory's back and Motta's nose. What next? Who is next? Paris is not safe we need to evacuate. Someone warn Kanye."
In a friendly against Napoli, in which PSG secured a 2-1 win, Thiago Silva's uglycute ass flopped and fucked up his hamstring. Now he's out for several weeks and this means I won't get to see him play against Colombia in September. I'm pissed and rethinking our whole relationship. I got into Ligue 1 for you and this is how you repay me? I stood by you even after you pulled that dumbass stunt and got a red card which meant the world got to see what a mess my Perfect Bae™ David Luiz is without you there to back him up. You can go sleep on the couch with Iker, tbh.
Oh, the press also slandered the good sis Blanc because they thought it was too soon for Silva to make his return. Blanc got tired and was just like, "Look, y'all are not gone let this shit be, so blame me. I did it, bitch. I put him back on the pitch and now he's hurt. Shut up. End story. Next question."
In more Thiago news, following the vicious!! assault on his teammate and name thief, Thiago Motta, the PSG captain took to instagram to spill some Truth Teas™ and call out Bobble-head Brandão:
“I want to know how many will match ban this guy … an unfair guy all the time !! Who wants to talk all the time instead of playing !! If I took 3 three games there 2 years for touching the referee … Imagine aggression like that !!! The fourth official has seen it all, I was at his side when the guy attacked our player. “
Expose ha, Thiago.
Everybody knows about Motta and his nose that got blooped so let's skip right on over to the highlight of this post - PSG's 50mil Wandering Defender/Actual Sunshine, David Luiz!
David Luiz successfully completed his confusing as hell 50mil transfer from Chelsea to Paris Saint-Germain! And because I'm almost at the end of the post and I'm running out of quality journalism juice, here's some photos from the press conference they held.
Embed code won't work so links after:
https://twitter.com/PSG_inside/statuses/497330221721612290
He has inherited the no. 32 jersey, last held by David Beckham who ended his career with the Parisian giants in the 2012/13 season.
https://twitter.com/PSG_inside/status/497331517480534016/photo/1
Nasser introduced David as the "best defender in the world" and everyone laughed. Including me. Sis, I know you're a stan like me but I'm gonna need you to stop. How could you say that when Thiago Silva plays for you? Lmao I know you want to feel good about this purchase but I need you to chill. I think he was joking... Anyway! David commented on Mou's libel and slander (Mou pls :-(), his performance at the World Cup, how excited he is to be at PSG, the fact that his jersey is 23 when backwards, looking forward to the future, signed some shit, made me wish I wasn't a flop Brasilian and could speak/understand Portuguese, etc.
David made his debut for Paris in their friendly against Napoli (which I streamed on my phone at work, got me out here using up my 10GB of data), and his Ligue 1 debut against SC Bastia. His performance wasn't anything special in both matches, but he held it together so I'm proud of him. #Bless. Sunshine McGee also came for Brandão's wig.
"We have a great job in the world to show a good example inside and outside the pitch. I think many kids in the world want to be us so they know about everything. That is not part of football. I don't agree with this. Sometimes on the pitch you are more vulnerable with something and they speak bad things but that's normal in football. But when you wait for someone outside the pitch to do a bad thing, I think that's not [acceptable]. That's not part of football. So I'm not happy with this because, after that, everyone in the world knows about this and, like I told you, that's so important when you give a nice example for the kids."
Get ha together, sis!!
Also, there's a HQ video with a different angle of the aftermath here where there's a shirtless Cavani and Lavezzi. /shrugs
Not a great way to start the season as you all can see.
Anyway, that's all I can manage for now. I don't see as much about Paris Saint-Germain (which is understandable, I know L1 can be boring as fuck) on here, so I figured I'd try to do something for these butts! Sorry if this post is OTT, I didn't want to copy and paste stuff from other sites and thought it'd be best to throw in humour.
source for david's statement
source for the pictures of ibra
source for the other video even though it's not even in the post
also unrelated to the post, I'm going to see Brasil vs Colombia in Miami on 5 Sep and I'm scared I'll be sat in a section with mostly Colombians. ride or die for Brasil but I'm not trying to get punched for the NT. I know way too many people who are still pissed about the WC match.
mods, let me know if I need to fix anything!! I hope I didn't fuck things up too badly.