Randommiss90 Productions Presents: The Barclays Premier League 2010/2011
SCENE: It is the afternoon on the last day of the January transfer window and so far the only big news was DARREN BENT's £18m move from SUNDERLAND to ASTON VILLA. Somewhere in Liverpool, STEVEN GERRARD is watching Sky Sports News' transfer deadline day when he hears a knock on the door.
GERRARD: Darren Bent for £18m?!
(knock on the door again)
GERRARD: Yeah, yeah, heard you the first time. Hang on.
(GERRARD walks to the door and sees FERNANDO TORRES)
FERNANDO: Hello Schtevie.
(FERNANDO peeks around the door, he sees the TV on Sky Sports News)
FERNANDO: I schee you have been following the transfers, no. Good, I wanted to ask you something for sure, no?
GERRARD: (sighs) I know what you're going to say, lad. You want to leave Liverpool for a better life somewhere else.
FERNANDO: Correct. I wish to move to Chelsea.
GERRARD: ...Well, good luck. I suppose you've got no other choice.
FERNANDO: (deep in thought) I could get a job breeding turtles but it wouldn't pay for another Ashton Martin no.
GERRARD: That's that then. Bye, Nando.
FERNANDO: Adios, Schtevie.
(GERRARD shuts the door and walks back to the sofa, looks at the TV then switches it off. )
GERRARD: I can't say I wasn't expecting it. First Xabi now Nando. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Xabi was a bit of a surprise but I knew Nando would go at some point.
Click to view(1:42-2:00)
MUSICAL INTERLUDE DUET: DIMITAR BERBATOV is on the bench again at OLD TRAFFORD whilst a hundred miles South, FERNANDO TORRES is on the bench at STAMFORD BRIDGE. Both strikers are annoyed with their lack of first team football. DIMITAR is the league's top scorer whilst FERNANDO can't get into the first XI despite costing £3m less than the sale of Waterstones.
(basically the whole song)
SCENE: COBHAM and ASHLEY COLE has brought a little present with him to training. He's showing off the AIR RIFLE to the rest of the team and a few reserves.
ASHLEY: Oh yeah man, I can stand here, yeah and shoot that bin in the corridor.
JOHN TERRY: (impressed) Brilliant. Let me have a go?
ASHLEY: Not the first time you've said that is it? Remember what happened with Bridgey. (laughs)
JOHN: Yeah well, that's in the past now innit. And anyway I think I started something with this superinjection thing.
(FRANK LAMPARD looks over his newspaper at JOHN TERRY)
FRANK: Super-injunction
JOHN: Yeah, that's what I said.
(FRANK tuts, folds his paper and leaves)
JOHN: Oh come on Ash, let me have a go.
ASHLEY: No, it's mine. Get your own.
(Both JOHN and ASHLEY get into a bit of a fight over the air rifle when an INTERN walks around the corner)
(A loud bang is heard and an intern starts screaming. ASHLEY shot INTERN.)
ASHLEY: Oh shit, oh shit. No way man, if this gets out. Shit, I'm more hated than Joey Barton and...(looks at JOHN) You.
JOHN: What...What did I do? You're the one with the gun.
(JOHN TERRY attempts to dial 999 while ASHLEY looks at the INTERN on the floor bleeding.)
ASHLEY: I didn't mean it, man. I didn't.
(1:30-1:55)
JOHN: Ash, they said they'll be here in 10 minutes and I asked if they'd keep a secret. You know how much money you'd get for a story about Ashley Cole shooting an intern with a rifle he shouldn't even have, yeah?
SCENE: OLD TRAFFORD dressing rooms and MANCHESTER UNITED have just sealed a place in the semi finals of the Champions League. The team are about to leave when SIR ALEX calls WAYNE over to talk.
SIR ALEX: Well now...semi finals of the Champions League, still in the FA Cup and an a definate chance at winning the Premier League for a 19th time.
WAYNE: (beaming) Ah, it's brilliant like.
SIR ALEX: Aye it is. It's ambition, Wayne.
WAYNE: (gulps, he remembers what he said about the club) It...it is.
SIR ALEX: Now, I think you owe everybody an apology.
WAYNE: I was wrong about everything, like. I know it now. I know how I feel about this club now.
SCENE: ANFIELD and KENNY DALGLISH has guided LIVERPOOL to yet another win. He is giving a press conference. VINNY raises his hand.
KENNY: Yes, Vinny.
VINNY: Er, so you've just signed Andy Carroll but rumours are that you are about to buy Joey Barton too.
KENNY: Aye, so I've heard, Vinny.
VINNY: Is there any truth in this? Are you going to become the father figure to the misguided?
KENNY: Misguided? The lad likes a drink, how's that misguided?
VINNY: Well, it's been widely reported--
KENNY: Widely reported? You know what else is wildly reported, Vinny? The weather. Doesn't mean it's right.
(ANDY CARROLL is hiding behind a door, listening to the press conference.)
ANDY: Ah'd love it if Joey could be here. It's like ah've been in rehab but they've not taken no money from us for it. Ah was a drunk mess like and King Kenny saved me. Boyzone's not bad sober. Joey could be saved as well, man.
(ANDY gets out a crumpled photo of Joey Barton with his moustache.)
(take your pick)
SCENE: EMIRATES where ARSENE WENGER has just watched his ARSENAL team throw away their season in the space of 2 weeks. A disbelieving WENGER addresses his downtrodden team.
WENGER: We have not failed. We have done well. At one point in this season, we were the only team who could win the quadruple. It's improvements. We are not failing.
(WENGER looks around the room at his team)
WENGER: We can do this. We must not lose faith. Next year we will be stronger, next year we will win. Six years is a long time but I promise you all, we will win. We must carry on improving and who knows. But I can assure you we will win something, even if it is a Carling Cup.
(KOSCIELNY shudders at the mention of the Carling Cup, WENGER notices)
WENGER: It's okay. We all make mistakes. We all do stupid things. I kick waterbottles, you mess up simple back passes. It's okay. You are amongst friends. But like I say, we must carry on. These little upsets in our season must not affect us, you see. We must be strong and carry on.
WENGER: We must keep going.
SCENE: Final whistle at BLOOMFIELD ROAD and BLACKPOOL have lost again. They're in the relegation zone much to the chagrin of IAN HOLLOWAY who is giving a post match interview.
INTERVIEWER: Well, it's not going great for Blackpool is it?
HOLLOWAY: Mr Obvious, no it's not. We just lost again. But I'm not complaining, we'll just have to work harder and win our next match. The lads played great but I know...I know we can do better. I know we can survive in the Premier League.
INTERVIEWER: Charlie Adam is an influential player for this team. Is he going to stay at Blackpool? Are you going to stay?
HOLLOWAY: What kind of question is that? Charlie will stay, he loves this club and the fans. He's a good lad, Charlie. He'll do the right thing.
INTERVIEWER: And what about you?
HOLLOWAY: As far as I know, I'm staying. Look, if we get relegated, I'll get relegated as manager of Blackpool Football Club. Charlie will get relegated as captain of Blackpool Football Club. Right now what matters is that we win our remaining matches and survive.
INTERVIEWER: Thankyou, Mr Holloway.
(HOLLOWAY stands outside the dressing room listening to his team talking.)
(0.50-0.58)
SCENE:
SCENE: The STAMFORD BRIDGE boardroom on the day CHELSEA lost to EVERTON and sealed yet another trophyless season. CARLO ANCELOTTI is about to be part of the CHELSEA scrap heap.
ROMAN: Carlo, I give you money, I give you Torres, why you no give me trophy? I like trophies. Trophies help me not to take my roubles and go back to Moscow. I want to see Chelsea at the top of English...no...European football and I don't think you are the man to take Chelsea forward.
(CARLO is halfway between indifference and elation, after months of speculation about his employment status, he's finally getting an answer)
CARLO: Oh.
ROMAN: (smiles) Yes. I am sorry but you are sacked for not bringing me trophies.
CARLO: (sighs and stands up) Well, I'd like to say it was a pleasure (eyebrow raise) but it wasn't. I'd be lying. My friend, I am Carlo Ancelotti an Italian football legend, I won everything worth winning with AC Milan. I know I'm not a bad manager. It's your club.
(The smile disappears from ROMAN's face)
CARLO: This stinking club, I never had this (points at his raised eyebrow) before I came here. It's stress. I lose weight, I put on weight and you, you bring me £50m paperweight. I didn't want him that's why I didn't play him. But noooooo, Roman wants, Roman gets. I have had it with you and this club.
(CARLO swings his Italian coat over his shoulder and walks out of the door leaving ROMAN shocked.)
ROMAN: Phone Hiddink. Get me Guus NOW.
Finale: THE CHAMPIONSHIP teams welcome BLACKPOOL, WEST HAM and BIRMINGHAM into their ranks.
Written by: Randommiss90 with help from Noodlecookie. :D
I missed a few moments out but it's a lot even then only some of it is chronological. This season has been a bit mad by all accounts but we all miss it right now. :(