Possession -- Chapter 10
For the week following their emotional confrontation in Adam’s room, Adam and Kris barely spoke.
Of course - Adam barely spoke to anyone, so it didn’t seem that strange.
Though he respectfully kept his distance, allowing Adam all the space he needed, Kris kept a close eye on him, constantly worrying and wondering how he was doing, if he was dealing well with the trauma he’d endured, if he needed someone to talk to.
Not that he’d ever choose you if he did…
If Adam wanted a confidante, there was certainly no shortage of willing volunteers. As the days passed in a sort of self-imposed isolation that seemed to have overcome all the occupants of the bus, the other guys seemed to be giving some thought to the entire arrangement that had existed between them, and what its effects might have been. One by one, they made their way to Adam at various times when no one else seemed to be around, offering their awkward but fully sincere apologies.
“I’m sorry, man,” Matt offered in a halting, embarrassed tone, scuffing his foot against the carpet of the hotel hallway like a child caught in a lie. “I guess… I guess I wasn’t… none of us were… were thinking about what it… must have been like, but… I didn’t mean to… well… I’m just sorry, okay? It was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
Kris was making his way down the hallway as this exchange occurred, and he continued through the doorway to his room, but didn’t quite close it all the way, lingering near the door to hear Adam’s response. His voice was quiet, but clear and strong enough to carry easily to Kris’s ears.
“You’re right. It was very wrong. And… thank you for apologizing.”
In spite of his own role in Adam’s ordeal, Kris felt a swelling sense of relief and pride for Adam at the strength and quiet dignity he heard in his voice. He seemed to be regaining the confidence that Kris and the others had unknowingly stolen from him.
How could I not have seen it? How did I not see what we were doing to him all that time? No. What I was doing to him. He did it all for me. If it wasn’t for me, the others couldn’t have touched him.
At least he’s doing better now. He really is better off without me.
Kris didn’t want to do anything to damage the progress Adam was making, and knew that he had no right to ask for anything more from Adam than he had already given; so he kept his distance, giving Adam all the space he needed to heal and come to terms with all that had happened.
Still, despite his knowledge that it was the right thing - he missed Adam desperately.
He spent a great deal of his free time on his laptop, looking up Adam’s old pictures and performances, reading every article and review he could find. It was embarrassing and pathetic, when Adam was basically living a matter of a few yards away from him at all times; but somehow, it made him feel closer to him, when he couldn’t so much as speak to him anymore - as if their connection was not so completely severed as it actually was.
Those brief video clips, articles, and pictures were all he had left of Adam.
As he read through the articles and looked at old snapshots of Adam with his friends and more-than-friends, however, Kris began to notice a few patterns that he had never considered during their time together in the mansion, or at any point in their relationship.
In every picture and video clip he found, Adam’s awe-inspiring confidence showed through. He was larger than life. He clearly didn’t need anyone else to validate his sense of self-worth or define him in any way. He was perfectly at ease with who he was, and unwilling to allow anyone to make him change, bend, or bow. Kris couldn’t imagine the Adam he saw on the videos ever agreeing to submit to an arrangement such as the one he’d entered into for Kris’s sake.
Kris also began to notice a trend in the pictures of Adam with the guys he’d dated in the past. They were all smaller than him, all younger, all clearly utterly enamored of him and clearly aware of the treasure they had found in him. Kris’s thoughts returned to the now famous Rolling Stone article that had been released just before the start of the tour, where Adam had described his “type”. He thought of the interviews - some of which he’d been a part of - in which Adam had made it clear that he liked to be in control, and was not comfortable with being pressed into someone else’s mold, or told who he was supposed to be.
I like the top.
The offhand comment no longer sounded like a joke to Kris.
Each piece of evidence before him, though seemingly insignificant on its own, seemed to point in the same direction: Although in the beginning, Adam might have enjoyed allowing Kris to dominate him once in a while, the situation had quickly become something very different from what he’d intended. In the end, Adam had sacrificed a very large part of his values, his world view, his very personality, in order to submit to the way Kris wanted things to be between them.
Why would he go along with it? Why would he let me do that to him? Just because he thought it was what I wanted? Just because… he wanted that badly to make me happy?
Why? Why would it be worth giving up so much of himself?
A hard knot formed in Kris’s throat, and he tried to swallow it down, blinking back tears as the realization of the truth struck him.
Because… because he loved me. He loved me that much - enough to give up what he wanted, enough to give up himself, just to… just to be with me. Just to make me happy.
And… I made him believe that in order to be with me… he had to give up that part of himself. Why did I make him do that? Why did I think that I needed that much from him? Why did I feel the need to crush that confidence and bring him into subjection to me?
A whispering voice in the back of Kris’s mind answered the question with ugly words that made Kris feel small and dirty and disgusting - as he knew that he should feel for what he’d done to Adam.
Because you were afraid if you didn’t crush it, you’d never be able to hold onto him.
Because you having him was more important than him having himself.
Because you’re a selfish, heartless piece of shit, Kris Allen.
Through his tears and painfully self-accusing thoughts, something else occurred to Kris - something that filled him simultaneously with an overwhelming sense of guilt - and a slim sliver of hope that somehow, what they’d had might yet be repaired.
He could have backed out when Danny… did what he did. He could have refused, said to hell with this, you, and Kris, and just walked out of that room. He’s bigger and stronger than Danny, and he didn’t have to go through with it - but he did.
He went through with it - after I forced him into it. He knew I’d forced him into it, threatened to leave him if he didn’t do it… and yet he still loved me enough that he’d rather suffer Danny’s sick, twisted violation… than to lose me. I’d already broken his trust, thoughtlessly pushed past his limits… and he still wanted to be with me.
Which means even then, he still loved me… even knowing what I’d done to him.
Kris’s mouth was dry, his eyes wide, his heart racing with mingled hope and apprehension.
Is it possible that, even now… he still does?
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Despite his new found cause for hope, his resolution that no matter what happened, he would never so violate Adam’s trust again, Kris continued to keep his distance from Adam. He reminded himself when he was tempted to try to apologize again - which was more than once each day - that if Adam decided he was ready to talk to Kris again, he knew where to find him.
Kris would do no good to the situation by forcing an issue that Adam did not want to deal with.
If he’d just give me the chance… I’d prove to him that I will never hurt him again, never ask him to be any less than the amazing, incredible person that he is.
But each concert came and went, the days of the tour slipping by with increasing speed as they neared the end, and Kris felt the last vestiges of his hope fading away. He was depressed and disappointed, though he knew he had no right to be, as they prepared for the last show in their hotel rooms.
Kris had two hours before they would load onto the buses and head to the arena.
Two hours left before they would give their last performance, and then go their separate ways.
Two hours before Adam essentially walked out of his life forever.
Kris’s stomach clenched at the unexpected knock on the door to his room. He looked up, eyes wide and wary, even as he mentally chided himself for his foolish hopes.
It could be anyone. The chances that it’s actually…
The thought trailed off as he opened the door, and saw the person standing there - tall and poised and confident, no trace of the insecurities that Kris himself had instilled there - and only one word, his name, echoed over and over again in Kris’s mind, racing ahead to try to understand what was about to take place, though he couldn’t quite fathom the fact that he was here at all.
… Adam.
TBC...