FLAIL FAIL - OR "KRIS ALLEN MUST HAVE GROWN UP WATCHING OPRAH CAUSE DAMN CAN SHE TEASE"
THE WHOLE STORY FOLLOWS - TEASING STROKES TO MY AROUSAL ARE BOLDED FOR YOUR LOLLING.
So for those of you who don't follow my twatter (@elle_higgins) I was one of the two people chosen to attend the Oprah taping today. In order to do this, I had to complete the following tasks
1)Fill out questionairre
2)Submit prospective questions
3)Take part in a 20 minute phone interview
4)Submit headshot and full body shot
After undergoing this rigourous vetting process, I ended up being selected and YAY, the taping was to take place Today, Friday October 16th. The only problem with this is that I had plans to be in Kristucky all day Thursday. (That story forthcoming. I thought I'd get it this out first since I like Adam more. Suck it, Kris stans.) ((OMG JUST KIDDING. CHILL, COMM, CHILL))
I was forewarned that Adam would only be there via Skype and that I might not get to ask my question (which was, incidentally, a question about advice for young people coming out to their family and friends for my dearling youlackcolor ) Nevertheless, Bamberrific and I woke up at 5 AM eastern time today and drove the 4 hours to Chicago in seperate cars, since she had hers from driving to Kristucky from Maryland. After several GPS -related snaffoos, we arrived.
In a comedy of errors, we finally got checked in and ushered back to the Green Room. On the way to the green room, the producer briefed us on the order of the show, which is.
1) Cake contest
2)Project Runway with that adorabs Christian fellow.
3) Adam "comes out and hopefully you get to ask your question."
4) "Something else..."
Ok, so She had already told me Adam was going to be there via satellite, but she said "COMES OUT" and so I was confused, but didn't ask for clarification cause I didn't want to appear Glamberty. We get escourted to the Green Room where two other people are waiting - one of the writers frtom AdamLambert.org as it turns out, and her daughter. We have a merryish time chatting with them about Adam and Kris (they weren't Kris-hating Adam fans thank god or I might of had to cut them)
THEN HAIR AND MAKE UP PEOPLE CAME IN AND DID OUR HAIR AND MAKE UP LIKE WE WERE GUESTS. OMG IT WAS SO COOL AND WE LOOKED FAB. Sad because they didn't allow cameras or phones in the studio. And since I now know that none of you believe anything I say on faith alone, I guess no one will ever believe I looked fab. :( We also got miked and the whole thing was very srs business.
On the way in, I caught a glimpse of some dancers in BLUE AND BLACK GLITTERY CORSETS WITH CAPES.
Bamberrific and I are seated in the second row, behind an empty seat we understood was reserved for "someone later in the show" The preshow warm up people come out and explain that today's show is about reality shows, and that there was a vote to determine who would appear and that the person who won won overwhelmingly. We knew that Adam had won that vote already, so it was cool to hear the rest of the audience be like "ooo!"
OPRAH COMES OUT AND SHE IS ROCKING BLUE AND BLACK AND IT'S SO OBV TOUR COLORS. LIKE, THE OUTFIT DIDN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE, IT WAS LIKE SHE PUT ON ANYTHING BLUE AND BLACK. ALSO HER HEELS WERE LIKE 6" H AND SHE COULDN'T WALK IN THEM, LOL! OH OPRAH!
She makes her first little statement, and it's as follows
"We had an online contest to decide which Reality competition personality would appear on the show today and HE'S GONNA BE SITTING RIGHT HERE!!!" *she points*
At this point, I am running on 2 hours of sleep and no food for at least 12 hours and high on the Oprahmerican Dream of free cars or college tuition or some shit, I am convinced that "HE'S GONNA BE SITTING RIGHT HERE" means that, oh, idk, he'd be sitting right there. There being the chair right in front of us.
I start shaking. Now, I have interviewed objects of my stanning before. I am normally cool as a cucumber. But the asking the object of my stanfection a question on national televsion thing was new and, let's face it, it's Adam. I haven't slept. The clothes I had packed, figuring that it was a satellite so maybe he wouldn't notice that they are ill fitting and out of style (lol) suddendly look like I got them off the rack at goodwill. OH WAIT, I DID. And I start judging myself and second guessing my confidence and am I really going to look him in the eye from three feet away and say "So, you recently discussed your sexuality in Rolling Stone. I have a few younger friends going through the process of coming out; do you have any advice for teenagers looking to talk to their parents about their sexuality?" Like, am I really going to say the word SEXUALITY at him? Or am i going to open my mouth and be like "ADAM TELL ME ABOUT YOUR GAY!"
As much as I was shaking, I was also flailing. When Oprah said the fateful words "He's Gonna Be Sitting Right There" I know for a fact that my mouth dropped open and I spun my head around like I was in the exorcist or some shit. Bamberrific and I then held hands and tried to clam down for the duration of the taping. I literally had to do breathing exercises. GUYS, DON'T JUDGE. NO SLEEP. IT WAS MESSING WITH ME. I was also exchanging happy flail hands with the other Question Asker, who was seated (i noted with glee) much further away from the Sacred Chair of Someone WIll Be Sitting There Later In The Show
By the time the Adam segment rolled around, I was fairly calm and had decided to stop freaking out. I had accepted the fact that my fly would in all likely hood be down (fuck you pants!! srsly? today of all days you're going to pull this shit?) and I would probably stammer and tell Adam that I loved him and his choice in penile accompniement and also flail in front of the world. I was at peace with it.
So when Oprah sits on her chair and says "here he is, ADAM LAMBERT!" Imagine my disappointment when the TV screen turned on. I had been fine with the idea of the satellite feed before; nay, even comforted by it - but now that Oprah had risen my expectations to roughtly the height of Mt. Killamonjaro I was kind of sad. My disappointment melted instantly when his precious fucking face appeared. YOU GUYS HE LOOKED SO CUTE AND THE SCREEN CAPS ARE GOING TO BE ADORABLE. He reminded me a lot of how cute he looked in those later tour-interviews - the one where the guy asked the question about QUEEN again ffs. Also, since he was on his laptop, he kept looking at the screen instead of at the camera, which made his expressions all adorable and kind of odd.
Now, I know it was a super brief interview intended for the mass public so I was prepared for questions like "So what did you do before Idol?" As far as I can remember, the interview went something like this. youlackcolor cause I really, really, really wanted to get this question asked for her. Please, someone ask it in the chat. I even told the producer that I was asking this question in honor of a 15 year old girl and she heart-eyesed all over me. But we had taken up too much time looking at cakes and listening to Christian from Proj Runway say "fierce" and "ferrosh"
SO ADAM INTRODUCES RANDY JACKSON AND RANDY COMES OUT AND WAVES HIS HANDS AT ADAM AND SAYS
"ADAM" AND NGL IT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM PERFORMANCE FEEDBACK, WEIRD!
O: WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT ADAM DIDN'T WIN?
RANDY: I WAS SHOCKED I THINK WE WERE ALL IN SHOCK. ADAM WERE YOU SHOCKED?
ADAM: "YOU KNOW, IT WAS SO OPEN AND I WASN'T SURPRISED IT COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY, KRIS WAS AMAAAZING AND HE'S A BUDDY OF MINE AND I WAS SO HAPPY EITHER WAY AND .... .... USUAL... .... ... EITHER WAY I AM MAKING AN ALBUM SO I GOT WHAT I WANTED!!"
RANDY: YEAH THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE, TO HAVE IT BE NECK AND NECK.
ADAM: YEAH IT WAS CLOSE IT COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY...USUAL
OPRAH: WELL ADAM WE WERE SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU.
ADAM: YEAH BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU ONE MORE THING!
O: GO AHEAD!!!
At this point my heart skips a beat. Something EXCITING? i wait with bated breath but the SKYPE FEED STALLS OUT. I am bummed but Oprah keeps running with it, saying "ADAM? ADAM?" and all of a sudden a wonderful thought occurres to Michelle and I at the same time. THIS IS OBV A FAKE OUT! ADAM'S GOING TO LIKE, APPEAR BEHIND THE PANEL LIKE A GODDAMN MAGIC SHOW WITH THOSE BLUE DANCERS AND SING TIME FOR MIRACLES IN MY FACE AND THEN PUPPIES WILL RAIN FROM THE SKY ON PARACHUTES AND I WILL NAME MINE KRISTOPHER.
Hah and then the feed comes back on.
O: Adam! Sorry about that? What were you going to say.
Adam: I just had to tell you one more thing!
O: What was that?
AGAIN I FREAK OUT INTERNALLY. SOME GREAT NEWS? SOME INDREDIBLE BOON? But my hopes were dashed when Adam began to flail and said
"OPRAH! YOU AND I HAVE THE EXACT SAME BIRTHDAY!!!!!"
O: JANUARY 29TH???? OMG! YAY! FLAIL!
ADAM: FLAIL!
O: WE ARE THE BEST PEOPLE EVER! WE ARE THE BEST HUMANITARIANS
ADAM: AQUARIANS!!!!!!!!!!!
O AND ADAM CONTINUE TO FLAIL OVER THEIR SHARED BIRTHDAY AND AWESOMENESS
THEN THEY SAY GOODBYE AND ADAM THROWS HIMSELF BACKWARDS ON THE COUCH LIKE HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A MELODRAMATIC SILENT FILM AND I WANTED TO CLIMB THROUGH THE SCREEN.
And then he was gone. I got to listen to several oldsters coo about how awesome and cute he was. The show ended (with Randy Jackson talking about Ellen, Paula, and introducing the winners of Amerca's Best Dance Crew" which were the girls in the sparkly blue outfits)
and The producer comes over to me all sad panda.
BUT THEN SHE SAYS THAT WHEN ADAM COMES INTO THE SHOW SHE WILL TRY AND GET ME TICKETS AGAIN SO I SHOULD STAY IN TOUCH! HAPPY PANDA!
I have to note that after Adam came on satellite, the other 2 question askers wouldn't even look at me. They looked so pissed. SOOO PISSED that they didn't get to talk at Adam. I was kind of like...um, i drove 6 hours for this...on two hours of sleep...and I am asking a quesiton on behalf of a 15 year old girl who is trying to come out to her parents. wtf? BUT THEY WERE REALLY NICE AND OBV DISSAPPOINT SO I CUT THEM SOME SLACK.
We did walk off with books by the Ace of Cakes guy and the Project Runway guy. And ALERT whatever day this airs you can go to Oprah.com and download a coupon for 50% off payless shoes courtesy of Christian. (who was really fun to watch, lol)
SO YEAH, PAYLESS COUPONS! ALMOST AS EPIC AS ANY ADAM NEWS, AMIRITE???
In all seriousness, it was a great time, I got to see Adam being adorable and excited and got to have my make up done like I was someone important.
I SO HOPE THE PRODUCER COMES THROUGH!!! BUT I WON'T COUNT GLASS CHICKENS!
BUT SHIT, OPRAH IS THE PROFESSOR EMMERATUS OF COCKTEASE ADACAMY. SHE LOVED ME WITH A FIRE RED AND THEN TURNED MY BALLS BLUE.